The Double Standards of Single Moms vs. Single Dads

Raising a child in a two-parent household is tough, but raising a child as a single mom or single dad is a whole different ballgame. And it's one that more and more parents are taking on.

Single-parent families have become increasingly common worldwide. In 2019, the Pew Research Center reported that almost a quarter of US children under 18 live with one parent and no other adults.

Indeed, there were 10.9 million one-parent families with at least one child under 18 in 2022, based on data from America's Families and Living Arrangements, which comes from the US Census Bureau. According to the data, about 80% of these one-parent families were led by a single mother, while 20% were maintained by a single father.

While many studies on single parenthood focus on the health and well-being of single mothers, there isn't much data out there on single fathers. As the number of single parents continues to grow in the US, there are numerous battles to level the playing field for moms and dads. Advocates are pushing for policy and societal change that can support solo-parent households.

Read on to learn how single mothers and single fathers continue to be held to different standards and face different expectations and pressures.

Perceptions of Single Mothers vs. Single Fathers

"We consider childrearing to be largely women's domain in the US," says Caitlyn Collins, PhD, assistant professor of sociology at Washington University in St. Louis, and author of Making Motherhood Work. "This is problematic for a host of reasons, but it means that society perceives single mothers and fathers differently."

This idealized view of motherhood has roots as old as time. Still, it bears looking at the concept of "intensive mothering," originally defined by Sharon Hays in her 1998 book The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood.

Intensive mothering is the "underlying assumption that the child absolutely requires consistent nurture by a single primary caretaker and that the mother is the best person for the job," wrote Hays. Additionally, intensive mothering defines a "good" mother as one who devotes all of her time, energy, and attention to her children, summarizes Dr. Collins.

Dr. Collins says that this expectation causes single moms to be judged more harshly than single dads when things fall through the cracks, like a forgotten homework assignment or tardiness in picking kids up from child care. "Because, again, women are supposed to be 'naturally' capable caregivers in a way we don't assume for men."

Jeffrey Gardere, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City and professor at Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine, adds that women are expected to be perfect mothers no matter their circumstances. On the other hand, single dads are seen as less capable of parenting and, therefore, called "courageous" or celebrated for taking on the primary parent role. "Single fathers are given much more sympathy, and they are cut more breaks when it comes to making parenting mistakes," he says.

While more mothers used to be awarded sole custody after a divorce, that trend is changing as more and more states consider shared parenting the norm. For example, a 2014 study using Wisconsin court records found that the proportion of mothers granted sole custody has dwindled over the decades. The rate fell from 80% in 1986 to 42% in 2008.

What Some Single Mothers Say

Single mothers confirm they face these pressures and high expectations every day, and they're even shamed when their abilities don't match the ideal.

We're expected to do it all

Sabrina Rickenbach, 40, a widowed mom of an 8-year-old daughter in Malvern, Pennsylvania, says she has seen firsthand that single moms are expected to do it all—and then some. "Everything is up to me," says Rickenbach.

"In terms of school, I am expected to be involved, but it is really hard to participate in any activities since I don't get a lot of help from anyone. It actually seems like everyone just expects me to be able to handle everything. I try my best to keep up, but there are days that I am just tired."

We're constantly being judged

Then there's the fear that if single moms don't prove they can do it all and have it all together, they will be judged for it. "I feel that people assume I'm a hot mess all the time trying to go it alone," says Carolynne Harvey, 42, a New Jersey-based mom of a 7-year-old daughter.

"I was at a school event, and I rushed in late, and one of the moms said, 'Wow, look who's making it all happen—surprised you even remembered!' Another time, I kindly shared a school picture reminder with another mom, and a bystander at school pickup said, 'Look at you reminding us! What are the odds?'"

We deal with stereotypes

Christine Michel Carter, 33, mom of two (ages 8 and 4) and author of Mom AF, says the pressure to present as a perfect mom is even harder for her as a single Black mom. She explains the stereotype makes her out to be "struggling, angry, unkempt, and depressed."

Some single moms feel that society is just waiting for them to fail. Carter says that if she doesn't make it to the after-school activity because of work, she will likely be perceived as more negligent or less involved than other mothers, even other single mothers.

"I have to prioritize my time with work and my two kids since I am the only person handling, for example, emergency visits to the doctors followed by visits to the pharmacy," says Carter. "I'm definitely not staying for a Girl Scouts meeting when there are other mom leaders there or volunteering during my lunch hour."

What Some Single Fathers Say

Single dads say they notice the double standard, and it's awkward. They also face pressures and social stigma.

We notice the double standard

Daniel Ortega, a 34-year-old dad in Boston, has sole custody of his three kids, aged 6, 5, and 3. He says that when he's out with his kids, it's not unusual for strangers to act surprised and say things like, "Mom have the day off?" or "Looks like you have your hands full!"

Ortega adds that he feels for the single mothers he knows. "If single moms have multiple children, they are asked if it's the same dad," says Ortega. "If the kids are misbehaving, it's because they are a terrible mom. If they look at their phone at the playground to take a break, they are a terrible mom."

We face stereotypes

"I always feel compelled to tell them I am a single father, that I am doing it on my own," says Ortega. "My insecurity about it all made me feel like I had to explain myself. When they learn I was a single dad, that's when all the praise comes. 'Good for you!' 'I don't know any man who would do what you are doing.' 'Those kids are lucky.' I've never encountered a mom who received the same praise."

He agrees with Dr. Gardere that remarks like these stem from the "inept dad" stereotype. "Men are assumed to be buffoons who can't even dress a kid, while women are supposed to be the ones who can do it all for the kids," he says. That's likely why dads are praised when things go right and moms are shamed when they don't.

We'll want to prove ourselves

Damon D'Arienzo, a 43-year-old Boston-based dad of a 9-year-old girl and author of the Singe Dad Magic blog, says that dads are generally perceived as subordinate parents. This has caused him to feel like he has to constantly prove himself to be taken seriously.

"I see it in action," he says. "A parent hesitates when I ask if their daughter can come over to play. A teacher defaults to the mother when sharing school information. I typically just shrug it off, as letting it get to me does no good. Instead, I can use this energy to be a better father for my daughter. I've accepted that these preconceived notions are still very present."

How To Better Support All Single Parents

Understanding the disparities between single mothers versus single fathers helps people better support all solo parents. These tactics can help.

Support research on and resources for single dads

Most of the existing research on single parenthood has been centered on moms, says Michelle Janning, PhD, a professor of sociology at Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington, and board member of the Council on Contemporary Families.

A 2018 report in The Lancet Public Health confirms this fact. It cites known findings about single mothers having greater mortality risks, poorer physical and mental health, higher levels of psychological distress, and lower socio-economic status. However, despite the growing population, the authors say single fathers are largely understudied.

"Scholars are good at comparing single moms to married moms, and married people to single people and moms to dads," says Dr. Janning. "But we're not so good at comparing single moms to single dads." Yet, the more we include single fathers in the research and make them a part of the conversation, the better our chances become to understand disparities between single fathers and single mothers and, ultimately, leveling the playing field.

Research might also help inform more resources that single dads say are sorely lacking—such as support groups and forums.

"There are many non-profit and educational programs designed to support single moms," says Carter. "But we still have far to go as a society in accepting that a single dad can be a primary caregiver, from the stereotypes they encounter to basic needs, such as changing tables in men's bathrooms. It's as if we demand their support but neglect to provide them with the tools to set themselves and their children up for success."

Consider the challenges single mothers and single fathers face

Ortega wishes society could better understand what it's like not to be a single mom or single dad, necessarily, but to be a single parent.

"It's as though you work a job, and your colleague quits or gets fired, and now you have to do both of your jobs for the same amount of pay in the same amount of time," he explains. "It's as though you go through life every day with a weighted vest on. You are still doing everything everyone else is doing; it's just more difficult and more exhausting."

Christine Coppa, author of Rattled! and a single mom of a 12-year-old boy in Riverdale, New Jersey, agrees that gender shouldn't matter—if you're a parent, you show up.

For Coppa, showing up means devoting "150%" of herself to her son's well-being, academics, and athletics. "I'm the only parent," she says. "I'm the good cop and bad cop. I'm the cheerleader on the soccer sidelines; I'm checking his grades online every day; I'm driving him everywhere, fielding homework and life questions." And the weight of that responsibility is carried by anyone parenting solo.

Undeniably, the disparity continues to exist between single fathers and single mothers. "Men tend to receive praise in the public sphere when caring for their children—in the grocery store, at the park—because it's seen as going 'above and beyond' typical expectations for fathers," says Dr. Collins. "Women in the same scenario are just seen as doing their job as mothers."

Destigmatize caregiving for boys

Dr. Janning believes promoting equality among single mothers and single fathers starts with how we socialize kids. In addition to encouraging girls to have careers and children if they want, she would like to see us socialize boys to see themselves as caregivers and nurturers.

"For a young man to say, 'I want to be a dad' when asked, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' shouldn't be a weird answer," notes Dr. Janning. "The only way that we can have that happen, I would argue, is if we have some policy and structural changes that make it incentivized for fathers to participate in a more pronounced way."

Kick antiquated perceptions to the curb

Dr. Collins says that as a country, we can look to other developed nations like Sweden that offer much more support for single parents. For example, researchers have cited Swedish parental leave as one of the most generous in the world. In Sweden, parents receive 480 days of parental leave until their child turns 12.

Without similar benefits and given the added social pressures, it's hard to be a single parent in the US. For that to change, single parents must be seen and supported equally.