One night when Kennady was in the hospital, Kennady’s home health nurse came up and sat with her so I (Erica) could go out get some dinner and feel the sun on my skin. On my way out, I decided to step in to the gift shop because they had these big shiny red balloons that said “SALE”, which is an instant magnet for most women.
I proceeded to call my husband and tell him that this store had a very cute necklace and that it was thirty percent off, which made it only a mere thirteen dollars, and that seeing as we are in such a stressful time I should really do some sympathy shopping and buy this for myself.
Alas, this ploy did not work and I made myself leave the store empty-handed, content that I could use my money to buy myself food to put in my belly instead.
On my way out the door, there stood sweet Jesse. Jesse gave birth to her precious baby boy Wyatt, and her second child with Cystic Fibrosis, just a little over two weeks ago. She was on her way in to see Wyatt in the NICU and I was on my way out to get something to eat.
We stopped and chatted for a while and began to discuss our children and their special needs and how living a life with a special needs child shapes you in so many ways you never realized it would or could.
One of the ways that this life is shaping us, is through us shaping our children and the next generation.
Robin and I feel strongly that the challenges we and our children face in this life will build our character and make us stronger, if we allow it.
Character: 1 one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish the individual 2 the detectable expression of the action of a gene or group of genes 3 the complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation
Wheew! That is a lot of things to cover, but we will focus on just one point this time around. Character: One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish the individual.
Character traits can be good or bad, strong or weak, life-giving for life-taking.
Our boys both have a sister with multiple special needs, food allergies and last but not least, they are preacher kids (holla back atcha if you know what I mean).
Talk about opportunities to build your character.
Our society is so comfort driven that these things seem like huge boulders and walls to overcome.
This type of stuff grieves people, makes them want to stomp their feet, yell and say “this isn’t fair!!”
Things in the special needs world are complicated. Life in general is complicated and not “fair”.
Life isn’t “fair”.
Did you read that??
It’s not. No two ways about it.
Part of our problem though is that the America we live in today is a fountain overflowing with “Fairness”….or is it really?
We have abused the word fair until it is a worn out rag doll that had all it’s hair cut off and no eyes and looks like something totally different from what it was intended to be. The version of fair that we see is something along the lines of “if they have that, I should too”. Merriam-Webster defines this type of “fair” as specious: having a deceptive attraction.
Because something looks more attractive and like something we think we should have, we seem to think this is the “fair” option.
It seems like it is ingrained in us from birth. So when we have a problem in our lives, we naturally compare our life to someone elses and point the proverbial finger and shout “Hey! That’s not fair! My car doesn’t have shiny sparkly paint!”
So how do we go about re-training our brain, flesh and every other thing in us to honor and respect these scenarios in our lives?
First.
Faith. Faith in God. Faith that, whatever comes, good or bad, He is in control. Period.
2 Corinthians 4:17 ~ For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison
This is where the brakes are put on, on “fairness”.
Each of us has been blessed with an opportunity to live this life. To take each moment, each good time, each bad time, each hardship in and make a choice.
Are we making it match what the word of God says or are we making it match what the world says?
If we choose to make things match up with what the world says, we have chosen to fail. Life will never be “fair” and we will always get the short end of the stick.
With our boys, we remind them daily that “life isn’t fair”. They cry because they want to be like the other kids and eat whatever they want without fear of anaphylaxis, they want to go places without people staring at their sister, they want to watch movies that other kids watch, listen to music that other kids listen to. For Jesse and her children, this means not going to parties, not being around other kids with CF, not eating certain foods and many other issues.
During these times we give them space to share their feelings and validify the hurt they feel. After hearing them and letting them process through these things, we gently remind them, that this life isn’t fair. They are different.
Whether the situation is by choice or something they are born into, they are processing what “fair” looks like in this world. They are learning to throw out the beat up rag doll that doesn’t represent any part of the true nature of “fair”.
You can’t divide life “fairly”. You can divide a cookie in half and make it “fair” to two people. However, making this beautifully complex walk of life “fair” is robbing ourselves of an amazing opportunity to develop character. Character, that reflects mature humans able to live a life that is beautiful, even when life seems to be falling apart at the seams.
So, I hope that when my boys grow up (and me too), that we are able to not become blithering whiny babies at every turn, crying out that “life” (this beautiful, amazing and crazy hard at times, life) isn’t fair.
The bottom line…
This life is about living for God and to Him be the glory in everything.
Cry, give yourself some space, then pull up your boot straps and get on with it.
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