The Art of Difficult Conversations

My husband says I have an "HR voice". It is the tone I use when I'm about to have a difficult conversation or am providing feedback that may be hard to hear. That tone becomes very even, my words are carefully thought out and I enunciate more clearly to make sure there is no confusion in what I'm saying.

Human resources isn't the only ones having difficult conversations however. Or at least, they shouldn't be. Difficult conversations should be happening at all levels and between all types of employees. CEOs should be able to have tough conversations with their executive teams about missed opportunities or goals. Leaders should be able to have tough conversations with those who report to them about performance issues. Employees should be able to have conversations with their leaders about things that are hindering their performance, including the leaders own behavior.

None of these conversations would be comfortable or easy, but they need to happen.

During supervisory training, tough conversations is the topic brought up most by new leaders as an area they are uncomfortable with. In my experience, it isn't just new leaders though who struggle with this. I have worked with individuals who have been in leadership positions for many years and still shy away from difficult conversations.

Throughout all of these discussions I have picked up a few tricks for making tough conversations easier. Here are my top four.

Prepare:

The best way to ensure a tough conversation goes really bad is to just jump right in with no forethought into what you might say. Worse, jumping in to these tough conversations while angry could really derail the discussion from producing any effective results. The minute you realize a tough conversation has to happen, start to think about how you are going to approach it. Think about your words, be deliberate in your speech.

Practice:

Run through the conversation out loud. This way you can hear the words you are using. I am convinced that any conversation is only as good as how the other person hears it. That is, the one providing information has to share that information in a way the other can hear it. The choice of words, tone and body language have an immense effect on this.

This may seem silly but it really is important. Thinking about how the other person hears your words and what can make it easier for them to hear can change their reaction or at least diminish a negative one. Practicing out loud lets you hear it first and catch anything that could be said differently.

Precision:

The most difficult of conversations become even more difficult when the person providing feedback is beating around the bush. If the person you are talking to has to try to figure out what you are saying, the conversation will not work. While you should choose your words wisely, you also need to be clear. The person should walk away with no doubt about the message you were trying to convey. Don't hesitate, don't delay, be precise so confusion does not make the conversation even harder than it already is.

During the conversation pay attention to their body language. Realizing they are getting angry or shutting down and continuing to talk will only aggravate the situation further. When you realize they are probably not hearing you anymore and their emotions have escalated, stop, take a step back and think about how you can diffuse. I'm not suggesting you stop the conversation or try to diminish what you are saying. I'm suggesting you allow both of you time to take a deep breath before continuing. Allowing them a chance to respond in the middle of your speech rather than waiting to the end will give you an idea of where to take the rest of the conversation. Pay attention to their cues and respond appropriately.

Difficult conversations may never be comfortable for either party, but because they are often necessary it behooves leaders to learn the art of having them. They may be uncomfortable, but they do not have to turn into all out war or create more confusion than already existed. The most important thing is to have them and doing so in a controlled thought out manner will make achievable results much easier to reach.

Sabrina Baker, PHR is the founder of Acacia HR Solutions, a human resource management firm located outside of Chicago. You can connect with her here on LinkedIn or follow @sabrinalbaker on Twitter.

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