In August 2014, the Ninewells Hospital in Dundee, on Scotland’s east coast, made national headlines after someone found out its very own hospital canteen was selling patients a very special, very Scottish, very Dundonian type of pie.
It was the size of perhaps an average tortoise.
And within its pastry shell the recovering cardiac patient would find all manner of delights: fried bacon, for example. Baked beans. Thick-cut sausages and a slab of black pudding. And all of it laden with salt and not one vegetable this side of the River Tay.
Oh, and with a fried egg on top, because otherwise what’s the point?
It was a £1.50 ‘Fry-Up Pie’, containing nearly 800 calories, and it was swiftly dubbed - by a man from the National Obesity Forum with the unfortunate name of Tam Fry - a ‘heart attack on a plate’.
It would probably have been a good idea for ambulances to rush people out of Ninewells, not into it.
I was born in that hospital in late 1976, though I didn’t try the pie. I remember a lot of chips growing up, though. A lot of trips to the sweet shop. I remember Irn-Bru and aniseed balls in thin paper bags and playing down on Magdalen Green, down by the bandstand where it always seemed sunny (though the photos tell a different story). I remember watching stunt planes do loop-the-loops over a shimmering River Tay. I remember friendly people more than anything. People willing to lean into your day just to make a joke or say something funny and make it slightly better. You might not see the sun for months on end in Dundee, but the warmth was always there. I remember the seals on the sandbanks you felt you could almost touch when the tide was out. The city’s two football teams, at once giving people something to bicker about yet uniting them in the same act.
And I remember a city that, years later, I would be absolutely astounded to realise was the butt of jokes. The only punchline Scottish stand-up comics needed to end a lazy joke. And I couldn’t quite believe it.
My Dundee? My Dundee was a joke?
My Dundee, home of the greatest comic in the world, the Beano?
My Dundee, home of Captain Scott’s towering RSS Discovery?
My Dundee, with its big skies and grand Tay Bridge and laughter and people and fry-up pies?
The Dundee they described would less likely have featured in the Rough Guide to Britain than it would the Guide to Rough Britain. They were wrong then, but my goodness, they’d be wrong now.
Because Dundee is not a punchline any more.
Hardy, witty Dundee took all that on the chin. Looked the other way, like a grown-up. And Dundee did grow up, to become one of the coolest, smartest most cultured and confident cities Britain has. A city whose ambition grew with Scotland’s. A place that consistently punches above its weight for creativity, smarts and sheer inventiveness. One not content just to rely on his its rich history of Jam, Jute and Journalism, but keen to build on it with a raft of new skills that give it the best CV in Scotland.
Because the city whose people brought you – for example – the adhesive postage stamp and the electric light bulb, also brought you Grand Theft Auto and Lemmings and took Minecraft to games consoles in bedrooms all over the globe (Dundee’s University of Abertay, with typical Dundonian forward-thinking, was the first university in the world to offer a videogames engineering course as a degree; the University of Dundee itself was recently ranked one of the 25 most innovative universities in the world – and also offers a course in Comics Studies).
Dennis the Menace would be delighted to see Dundee is on a roll. It’s kind of unstoppable. Fashion, food, music. Bars, art, design. Research. Science. Creativity. Its critics might once have said it was something you drove through on your way somewhere else. Now it’s a destination. A weekend getaway. The city the Wall Street Journal called 'Scotland’s coolest city' and stuck on a list with Shanghai and Montenegro.
Those same comics who would have used Dundee as a punchline would now kill to play there. And Dundonians – self-deprecating, proud, but welcoming - will let them. One billion pounds poured into the city’s waterfront means soon you’ll be able to take your fry-up pie and eat it while wandering around the V&A Museum of Design, or as you take in the views from the heights of Dundee’s very own extinct volcano, the Law.
- Inspiration15 of the best things to do in Istanbul
- DestinationsThe best restaurants in Puglia, Italy
There’s the McManus Art Gallery. The observatory. The Botanic Garden. The Dundee Rep Theatre. Hang around outside the DC Thompson office in the city centre and see if you can spot the legendary (and octogenarian) David Sutherland as he hand-delivers a roll of A3 paper, on which he’s hand-drawn next week’s Bash Street Kids, just as he’s done every week since 1962. Or take a boat across the Tay, and see if you can spot the dolphins.
The thing about cool cities is, they don’t need to shout.
They bide their time the way Dundee has, waiting, ready to be discovered.
They’re big and bold and confident enough to take a joke.
But human enough to know also that sometimes – in a world of avocado toast and kale smoothies - what we really crave is a Fry-Up Pie the size of a tortoise, bought from a hospital canteen, with change from two quid.
Recommended
Because you can’t just survive on culture and dolphins alone. You also need chips.
THE SECRET BAR – DRAFFENS
Somewhere down an alleyway just off Nethergate in the centre of the city you’ll find – or maybe you won’t – Dundee’s secret speakeasy. A non-descript door leads you to a world of cocktails you didn’t see coming… all I’ll say is, keep your eyes open around number 36 or so…
DUNDEE DIM SUM – MANCHURIAN
Dim Sum has come to Gellatly Street, Dundee, with my first-ever best friend from school Christopher Guirron even proclaiming it “the best Chinese in Dundee”. This is the guy that introduced me to the A-Team when we were about six, so seriously: he can be trusted.
THE PUB – THE TINSMITH
“Slow down – stay awhile” is what they’ll tell you at the Tinsmith, up Old Hawkill. Dogs are welcome and coffee’s a sensibly Dundonian one pound, so if you don’t mind dogs, and you’d rather not spend fifteen quid on a ginger soy latte, you’ve found your stop.
THE CHIPPIE – THE TAILEND
Four generations of fish-fans have brought their experience to this high-end boutique chippie, which cooks fresh, local fish to order in what was once a modest basement on Nethergate.
THE HOTEL – THE APEX HOTEL AND SPA
Sure, you could stay at the Malmaison or somewhere boutique-like, but why do that when the Apex stands proudly on the quayside, a mere stroll away from the V&A and the Discovery. They serve a fantastic Scottish breakfast, complete with haggis, too.
GETTING THERE – THE TRAIN
There are regular flights to Dundee Airport, but it’s the train you should roll in on, just for the calming views you get as you cross the Tay Bridge. On a good day the Tay will sparkle for you, the greens of the trees and hills contrasting beautifully with the grey-blacks of the buildings. Oh, and if you can arrive at sunset? You’ll see Dundee in a whole new light…