If you’ve watched any romantic comedy lately, you know the stereotype—when you meet the person you’re supposed to be with, it’s attraction and fireworks and lust at first sight. But if that Hollywood story doesn’t quite match up with your dating experience, you’re not alone.
For many people, it takes a bit longer to feel ready for the physical side of a relationship—and that's not just okay, but romantic in its own way. Sound like you? You may find yourself relating to the sexual identity of "demisexuality."
If you identify as demisexual, you need to have a deep emotional attraction to someone before you feel any physical attraction, explains Michelle Herzog, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist. That deep emotional connection will "supersede any kind of sexual relationship," she says, adding, "Each individual will have their own version of what a 'deep emotional connection' looks like and feels like for them."
Basically, demisexuals prioritize emotional intimacy as a must-do prior to physical intimacy. How long it takes someone who identifies as demisexual to make the jump from emotional to physical intimacy differs from person to person. It’s also worth pointing out that wanting to establish a strong emotional connection with a partner isn’t something that just demisexuals desire; a lot of people look for that in relationships, too.
Whether you’re looking to start a relationship with a demisexual or feel like you may fall on the demisexuality spectrum yourself, here’s everything you need to know about dating a demisexual.
What is demisexuality?
The term first appeared on the internet in 2006 on an Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) forum, according to Wired, but just because there wasn’t a discussion of the identity happening on the internet doesn’t mean it didn’t exist before then.
What's interesting to note about demisexuality is that this sexual identity has no bearing on the genders or orientations of the people you are attracted to, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. You can be a heterosexual demisexual, a bisexual demisexual, a polyamorous demisexual, and so on.
How do you know if you are demisexual?
There’s no right or wrong way to be any sexual identity, so there are certainly a range of characteristics that might make you consider whether identifying as a demisexual feels appropriate for you. As examples, Herzog says, that you might find yourself avoiding physical intimacy before you get to know someone deeply, or you might even feel an aversion to sex entirely.
Demisexuality is often placed on the asexuality spectrum, Herzog explains, meaning, "someone who identifies as demisexual might never want to be sexual with someone, or it might take them a very long time before they would consider being sexual with someone."
What does it mean to date as a demisexual?
Often, when people date, they look to the physical first, especially whether or not they feel (or could see themselves feeling) sexually attracted to someone. Demisexuals approach dating a little differently.
"The typical person is going to meet someone and there is usually some degree of physical attraction we form within seconds," says Richmond. "[With demisexuality], there’s no physical pull at all. It’s really about romantic feelings, love, and friendship, that really come first. The sexual attraction and desire would come second and is certainly not the driving force."
As someone who’s really looking to build an emotional foundation first, a demisexual might struggle with flirting because you just don’t understand its purpose, Herzog adds. It’s might not come naturally to you, and you might prefer to skip the sexy small talk in favor of diving headfirst into a potential partner’s deeper feelings and emotions.
What does a relationship with a demisexual potentially look like?
If all this is making you think it’s impossible to have a relationship with a demisexual if you don't identify the same way, don’t give up hope. Herzog believes that it’s entirely feasible for couples where both partners aren’t on the demisexuality spectrum to go the distance—as long as there’s plenty of open communication (which is true for any relationship, TBH).
Some questions that Herzog suggest you use to start a conversation with a demisexual partner are:
- Can you tell me about what that looks like and what that means for you?
- Is there anything specific you need from me as we continue forward with our relationship?
- Is there anything particular you feel I should know about you?
Making sure you're both on the same page about expectations for your relationship and what you need from a relationship, especially when it comes to the physical side of things, is going to help prevent heartbreak in the future.
"You’ve got to be really patient," Herzog says. "Someone who identifies as a demisexual is not going to be interested in rushing things."
Are demisexuals sexually active?
Short answer: Probably. Richmond stresses that demisexuals can and do enjoy sex, but only with people they've formed an emotional attraction to beforehand. And that takes time.
If you’re in a relationship with a demisexual, enjoy getting to know them. Enjoy being around them. And enjoy the connection you’re building—even if sex isn’t part of the picture.
"With anything, you never want to push anyone into what they don’t want to do sexually," Herzog says. "It’s super critical not to push your own agenda if you really want to have sex. If you’re not in a space where you can accept that the person you’re dating is just not there, then maybe this isn’t the relationship with you."
What is the difference between pansexual and demisexual?
A demisexual considers an emotional connection the bedrock of their relationship, while someone who identifies as pansexual is attracted to people of all genders. That also means it’s totally possible for a person to identity as both pansexual and demisexual.
"A pansexual may or may not want to build an emotional connection prior to sexual intimacy, while a demisexual must have emotional intimacy or connection before sex is on the table," Herzog says.
Watch this to learn more about what it means to identify as pansexual:
What is an example of a demisexual?
How one person understands their demisexuality is different than how another person understands their demisexuality. But overall, a demisexual is someone for whom establishing an emotional connection and continuing to deepen that connection in a relationship is critical before they feel comfortable exploring things on a physical level.
What a demisexual should not be labeled? A "prude," says Herzog. "They might not feel attracted or aroused right away, that doesn’t mean that they’re not sexual people," she adds.
With demisexuality, as with all sexual identities, having a term to describe how you experience intimacy and relationships is often just a starting point for further conversations and exploration.
"I think it’s super affirming to be able to say, 'This is who I am. This is how I align. This is who and what I’m looking for based on who I am,'" says Herzog. "It really spreads awareness and supports the idea and the reality that sexuality is on a spectrum and will continue to be on a spectrum."
Nina is a health and culture reporter who has written for SELF, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, the New York Times, and more. She loves vegetable gardening, crossword puzzles, and her beloved mystery mutt.
