July 11, 2013

Oh Mona

Photo credit: Michael Lipsey

Is it not the most beautiful feeling to come home from a busy day at work in your own car, to pull up in a parking spot in front of your own apartment, to walk into your very own studio, and clean it up a bit. Is it not the most beautiful feeling, to lovingly carry down your dirty laundry, fit the little coins into the washer slots and listen to the water rush over your very own clothes.

Last night I sweat over a Swiffer sweeper, pushing it forward and back, compulsively sweeping and swiffing every inch of my studio. I felt little beads of sweat trickle down the back of my neck and down my chest, and lovingly wiped the dust from my counter tops, the tiles in my bathroom, and the dust from my window sills. They were indicators of my absence.

When I see my little microwave atop my fridge, sometimes I want to cry. My coffee maker, my sugar, my too-large dish rack fitting lopsided in my little sink. How can life be this neat, this tidy, this perfect? I always want to remember this time in my life, when I had a decently paying full-time job, a loving boyfriend, a functioning car, and a tidy little studio to come home to and light a candle, turn on the box fan, and listen to it whirr and whirr. When I take a look around at my life, when I really stop and just listen to it, it is absolutely perfect.

I realized last night that all along, life has foolishly led me to believe in the phrase “I will be happy when…” Everything is always “I will be happy when…” and “I can’t wait until…”

But when I think about that ‘one day’ when I will be ‘happy’, when I really think about it, it doesn’t seem real. When I think about me in the future and what I’ll be doing, and how anxious I am about getting to that place, wherever it is….in that place I am always happy. I am always happy. And in the present, when I’m thinking of my future, I am always unhappy.

But how can that be? How can I be unhappy? I’ve been given the privilege of life, of existence, and I’m constantly thinking about some fantasy place in the future that doesn’t exist? What’s happening right now, all around me? How often did I dream about finding the perfect boyfriend at 18? How often did I dream about finding a full-time job that wasn’t in a huge corporate office building? And for how long did I sit in that old apartment with my roommate, dreaming of the day when I would find the perfect studio apartment to call my own?

I’ve got it. I’ve got it all. Do you realize what is happening right now? I’m freaking the fuck out. All my life I wanted to do something cool, something great. All my life I was imagining and imagining the hell out of my future when I was in college, wondering where I would be and how I would end up and this is it. I’m here. I fucking made it. That fantasy place in the future is here. And tonight I’ve just realized it, in the tiny microwave, in the whirr of the fan, in the perfect, perfect dust.

And if I can make it here, (and sit in beautiful contemplation of it all), this of course begs the question, where else can I go?

Don’t mistake me though, because I am in love with right now. I don’t want to get lost in that fantasy future place of plans and what ifs and “I will be happy when”….but I feel so grateful for the life that I have had up until this very moment, that I’m just excited about what’s to come of it all.

So in this perfect night, I say it’s time we sat back and thought about our fucking accomplishments ladies and gents, and remembered that no one got you to where you are today except yourself. If you ever have a doubt on this earth about your capa-fucking-bilities, take a look around. You’re certainly not the same person you once were. What in the hell does that say about where you’re going?

 

Monique Muro

Monique is an exceedingly happy human from LA. She runs the blog A Novel Quest, and writes. A lot.

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  • Lynne Muro

    As they say, you’re only as happy as your least happy child (stepchild) and I’m teary happy this morning reading your blog. Also, hearing from Julia yesterday that she got the job she’d been working so hard to land was fantastic news. Monique, thank you for being loving, grounded and grateful and for pausing to reflect on your accomplishments – it brightened my morning so much you just might hear me whistling while I work :)

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique

      Aw Lynne that makes me so happy to hear, and makes me smile as well! And I know how you feel about Julia getting the job–I even got teary eyed at that because I was so happy for her! :)

  • http://www.cultureweekend.com Shana Manuel

    Thanks! This was helpful! Some days are tougher than others and there are times when you want to give up on your dreams. Happiness is about being in the moment, being thankful for what you have and have accomplished, not so anxious about tomorrow.

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique

      Thanks Shana! I read in a book somewhere that there are two days we never have to worry about: yesterday and tomorrow. That is one thing that really hit home when I wrote this post :)

  • http://www.sprinklesofcuriosity.com Mom

    You got it Momo! You have articulated what so many sad souls take for granted and don’t take a moment to appreciate or be thankful for. It’s being in the moment and patting ‘ourselves’ on the back for where we are now instead of beating ourselves up for what we dont’t have or haven’t accomplished yet! When worry and anxiety hits me I take a moment to take a very deep breath and thank God for my health because so many people don’t have it, a well paying job, because there are so many people struggling to make ends meet and my precious, precious family because I have been so blessed! Love you!

  • DomSharee

    This was so fucking awesome (I got inspired with the f-bomb through reading lol)!!! All jokes aside though this was exactly what I needed to read at this moment and what I wanted to read. I feel as though I am always rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off never accomplishing anything while planning for the future you were talking about above. I needed to take the time to read this and to learn that I need to learn to slow down and learn to fall in love with the here and now instead of the future. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in planning for the future and my foes of the present that I tend to not appreciate or even value how far I’ve come in my journey.Thank you for giving this gift to your readers because every reminder we all get the more we learn to live in the moment and love, never allowing a second to go to waste.

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting on this post! It made me re-visit this and brought clarity to my life again as well. What a sweet thing to reflect upon, and how wonderful it is to be in the present. I’m so happy you enjoyed this post, it totally warms my heart! :) xo

      • DomSharee

        I’m glad I could be of service! 😉