Donna Kauffman dishes on last night's 'Dancing With the Stars'

I love that I get to come back to the ballroom for the two-part finale! Thank you, USA TODAY, for the invite. I've got my spray tan on, my sequins pasted in uncomfortable places, and, most important, a fruity umbrella drink close at hand.

First, so, let's get this out of the way, shall we? Since I didn't get to comment on last week's show… about Charlie? Yeah, he was so robbed. Come on! And, yes, yes, I love all the finalists, I do. But, for me, the dancers who bring the most entertainment joy for viewing buck are Charlie, Meryl and Amy. So I sort of thought it would be James or Candace going home last week. Now, I will say that Candace's journey through this season has been the true essence of this show, and I can understand why, even though she's not the best dancer, that she has a devout following. James has been delivering, too … so, what can you do? (Other than have all five in the finals, and I would have been a fan of that!) Nonetheless, I will miss Charlie's sparkle on this, the most sparkling of sequined nights and mirror-ball dreams.

But here we are! We've got Amy, Meryl, James and Candace all fighting for that beloved and so necessarily tacky mirror-ball trophy. For my entertainment money, I think it should come down to Amy and Meryl, with Meryl having delivered the best, most intricate dances of the season, and Amy making us all feel like the absolute slackers we are with her mind-boggling, inspiring and just plain ridiculous dedication and perseverance, overcoming obstacles that most of us will never really be able to wrap our heads around, much less our feet.

But first? We dance!

So, apparently it's lingerie-prom night on DWTS as our finalists are dressed either in provocative see-through bits of nothing or in something that would look lovely with a tasteful tiara. Our celebs and pros enter the ballroom by weaving through a crowd of excited viewers waving … uh, rolled-up tubes of …? Yeah, I have no idea what that's all about. But it's finale night! Who cares? Wave whatever you have in the air! But wait! Ruh roh! Is that a sling I see on Mark Ballas' arm? Indeed, our fabulous Host Tom assures us it is. The drama has already begun, and we're not even dancing yet. Then Uncle Lenny informs us that the finale twist is that each of the final four celebrities will have to dance their Switch Week dance with their original partner. And I don't know about you, but about this twist, I am very happy indeed. Mostly admittedly for the Maks & Meryl Argentine Tango they're about to unleash on us. Pass me the fan now, will you?

SO! Are you ready to rumba?

Our pairs will be doing two dances tonight. First up, Round 1: The Switch Dance.

Peta & James/Tango. Originally performed, and quite well, with Cheryl, I think the off-stage relationship between these two will help bring their version to another level. (Oh, come on, they do too have a thing going. That one-night stand they had before this season? Has now become a three-month-night stand. Let's not be coy.) And, right off Stoner Music Dude has once again clearly been left in charge of the music, because while the song has a strong back beat, it's fast, manic and wrong-headed because it's all pop tuney. So, while I think they performed it well technically, and yes, that was some intimate kiss there, it all flew by so fast, it was hard to connect to on any real level. Judges: Bruno a big yes, Len approves, and Carrie Ann is eternally picky. Also? No guest judge. Thank you, ABC! Scores: 9, 10, 10 = 29

Maks & Meryl/Argentine Tango. In what promises to be the most delicious tango ever. Please, please, don't screw the music up on this one, Show. I beg of you. Give us tango music. So, OK. Normally I get right to the dance, but given the rehearsal package and this being the finale and all, it's making me feel a bit reflective. I've watched Maks over all the seasons in which he's participated and have loved the guy, been disgusted with the guy, hopeful for the guy, disappointed in the guy, and a big bundle of ultimately lacking respect for the guy … which has all led us to this season. And, as important, to this partner. If anyone doesn't believe that who you are with can make you a better person, make you reflect on yourself, dig a little deeper, think things through more clearly, and work a little harder to be the best you can be? Needs to watch this season and this pair. I think his growth has, in many ways, been the more enjoyable thing to watch, even above and beyond that of the celebrities' journeys. And so we're here and he is so vulnerable and bluntly open about it, and she's so perfectly that blend of "I completely see through you and will always support you" and "I know you won't ever let me down," that it's hard not to root for them. Hard for me, anyway. SO! Like I said, Show: Give them the music to see this through to its rightful conclusion, m'kay? Thanks.

And? Oh, deep sigh. Do they ever. Argentine Tango is Val's dance, and that is who she originally performed it with, and very, very well, too, I might add. But these two are linked by so much more than the music, well beyond something as basic as their matched skill set. So this dance, which is so evocative and beautiful in its courtship and delivery, is like watching the essence of who these two are to each other. The dance could not have been performed any better, and I wish it would go on and on. He's never looked so handsome and she never so enticing. Judges: Bruno, for once, has a very insightful comment. He says that their dancing has been developing over the past few weeks in tandem with their relationship as partners and it's been like watching a concept show, if you take the dances as a whole, watching an entirely different story being told, their personal story. And he's shockingly, brilliantly correct in that. Carrie Ann and Len: ditto, ditto, and oh, we so ditto. Scores: 10, 10, 10 = 30.

Mark & Candace/Quick Step. Now we get to find out about The Injury. I'm surprised we haven't had clips pimping it all night already, so thank you, Show, for the uncustomary restraint. However, we're going to get it all now. So, they're tired, it's been cranky time during rehearsal, which isn't the norm with these two. He has a strained rotator cuff, she's having a hard time with the steps, then during rehearsal, it all goes horribly wrong and he's on the floor writhing then off to the hospital for the MRI. The plan was she'd perform the dance with Artem (who is part of the troupe and who I hope becomes a pro next season because, let's face it … hubba and then hubba some more. Am I right?). But the doctors give the dramatic last-second clearance and off comes the sling and it's on with the show. What, you didn't think Mark was going to pass up a chance to wear spats, did you? He should have his own patented spats line, he owns so many. He probably has spats on his slippers. Given they made it all the way to dress rehearsal, she knows the dance with him, and it's going very beautifully, flowing quite effortlessly, but he's coaching her the entire time and that detracts from it and I think throws her a bit. She did miss a step and I appreciate that he's all, "On with the show," but he's also quite clearly hurting by the end. And this routine had no lifts in it, though he did have to hold that shoulder in a stiff upright hold the entire time, so not fun either. Still … is it really wise for him to continue? Judges: Carrie Ann can see he's not good, but he smiles through it and urges her to get on with it, probably so he can go get a shot, or whatever relief they can give him, so get on with it she does. She says pretty much what I do, that Candace's draw this season has been her emotional journey and opening herself up to the dance, but where I would have said that technically, this is not on par with the other remaining pairs. (Charlie … I so miss you! How much fun would you have been tonight!) CA praises her for the light and ease in her steps. And … true enough. But so is my comment. Len praises her for holding up under the pressure, as does Bruno. All love. Scores: 9, 9, 9 = 27. Fair enough.

Derek & Amy/Salsa. She originally did this with Mark and quite well, but we all knew that with Derek this would be downright amazing, and it is. And that is despite her having her back go into spasm again this week. I'm glad for her sake she's almost done so she can heal. But her Olympic training, as well as her perseverance in general, is clearly holding her in good stead. Because that? Was fabulous! Judges: So much gushy gushy love love. All deserved. Scores: 10, 10, 10 = 30. Earned.

Round 1 Scoreboard:

30: Meryl, Amy

29: James

27: Candace

Now we're on to the round everybody waits for all season long. Yes, it's time for the Freestyle Routines! Of course, Mark's situation makes their routine a bit more uncomfortable to anticipate, but, of the four, it was admittedly my least anticipated, so … you know, in the sad but true column, there's that. I wish Mark was a little less bull-headed about "I can do this, I will do anything for my partner" and not take foolish risks when she could still compete, just not with him.

Peta & James/Freestyle. We get the childhood package clips to tug the heartstrings, starting with the ridiculously genetically gifted Maslow brothers and big bro's near-death experience launching James into his career as a singer and performer. The routine begins and it's very Step Up 3: The Remix, and while Peta is attacking this with enough ferocity to make me want to lean back from the TV screen and be thankful there were no 3-D glasses involved, James trying to be all hard-core and street is just … not the thing. Don't get me wrong, he threw all the attitude he had at it, but the content was kind of all over the place, the extra dancers got in the way a lot, and … I don't know. Don't boo me, but while I normally love this kind of attitude and dance style, these were not the two to be bringing it. Judges: Len gives a grudging, eh, it was OK. Bruno got a lot of manflesh, so he's happy. Carrie Ann has been wanting her some James candy all season long, so did you really think she was going to not love him being all Hunger Games Meets Thunderdome? Right. Me, either. Scores: 10, 9, 10 = 29 for a 58 total. For me, a 27 tops.

Maks & Meryl/Freestyle. Before the childhood clip starts, we see that Maks will be shirtless for this round and wouldn't it be nice if we could just fast-forward right now? But we sit through the package, and just like Meryl herself, find something to delight in it. We find out she started skating at 3, that she is dyslexic and worked into the night as a school kid to overcome the restrictions it placed on her. I actually am enjoying seeing the long line of professional skaters, who know her and clearly love her, commenting on how much they're enjoying, given she and Charlie grew up together so theirs has been a sibling partnership, seeing her with "this big Russian" who is coaxing all of the passion she has out of her and into the dance. And it just enhances my enjoyment of them. I have always respected Meryl, her talent and dedication, but I happen to like her a whole lot, too, so this has been as much fun from her perspective, her journey, as it has been for me with Maks' path. Maks said earlier in the program after their first dance that this performance would be his tribute to her. I know it will be simply and utterly stunning. And … it surpasses that. It's watching the most beautiful of love stories unfold, and her committing fully, to trust, to the dance, to him. I loved every lift, every leap, every lean, every single breathless second of it. But most of all, I loved the end when they move into an almost kiss … then simply smile against each other's lips instead, thrilled in their private triumph. He nudges her face and kisses her cheek, grinning like we've never seen him, as she holds on and hugs him with all of her might. And if that didn't move you? Well … then I'm glad you're not sitting next to me. Pass the Kleenex, will ya? Judges: Carrie Ann … you just got real. And, yes, indeed they did. "Divinity in motion." Bruno: "Flawless work of art." Len: "There's good, there's great, then there's Meryl." Amen. Scores: 10, 10, 10 (Len says 11 and Bruno adds a plus-one paddle) = 30. Deserved. Squared. Times infinity.

Mark & Candace/Freestyle. We're pretty familiar with her child-star background, so during the clip package I'm pretty much just wondering how Mark will do with this more physical challenge and hope he doesn't drop her or anything. It's a disco-themed opening, lots of gold lame and boogie-night moves. We get completely gold dancing extras, skin included, which I guess would make them the Solid Gold Dancers, eh? Bada bing, I'm here all week, folks. (What do you mean you don't get it? Oh, go look it up, it was a show back in … never mind. ) They make it through the legs-around-the-neck disco spin, and his arm didn't end up at an awkward angle so my default cringe posture loosens up just slightly, but there are more lifts and spins and … oh, thank God, it's finally over. It was all very girls-just-want-to-have-fun-at-the-disco vibe, but ultimately, in terms of a championship routine, more on par with James' freestyle offering. Fun … but ultimately finale filler. Judges: Gushy gushy not outstanding but good on you girl love. Scores: 8, 8, 8 = 24. Her kids are shocked and that's hard, but you know … truth. Comparatively speaking? Accurate.

Derek & Amy/Freestyle. Last dance of the night. I think we already know where this clip package is going. It's a hard thing to watch, but makes you that much more a fan of her amazing mental strength, in addition to what she's accomplished physically. I've enjoyed watching her figure herself out in all of this and am thankful she was paired with Derek, as I don't think any of the other pros would have been able to do for her what he's done. The best of all possible worlds, and I'm glad we got to be a part of it. She's good stuff, she is. It was thrilling to see her with the running feet last week and truly watch her trip the light fantastic up and down the ballroom floor like we know she has wanted to all season. In this dance, Derek wants her to defy limitations again. I'm really looking forward to this. This time she's on her tiptoe feet and it's a symphony of lifts followed by a Cirque du Soleil rope swing moment that was really just the perfect, epitome, gravity-defying ending for her, and we can see how overcome she is by getting to do that. Makes it all that much more ballroom-dancing goodness. Good finale, Show! Good finale. Judges: Len is, of course, a buzz kill on the rope, but it was what it did for her that mattered in that instance. She flew, Len. She flew. Bruno gives gushy love. Carrie Ann doesn't get it, then she does. And just give us the scores already while I still have some glow left. Upstairs, Derek gets the chance to talk a little about what working with her this season has done for him and what it has meant, and you really have to feel that, of the final four, the true finalists here, the ones who have made the connection all the way to the soul, are Maks & Meryl and Derek & Amy, for very different but equally powerful reasons. I'd be happy with a win for either of them. Scores: 10, 9, 10 = 29. I agree with the crowd. Dang, Uncle Lenny. Harshing our finale buzz.

Final Scoreboard:

60: Meryl

59: Amy

58: James

51: Candace

It's been such a lovely, enjoyable evening, strong competitors, a wide range of fabulous dances that have evoked a full range of emotions. One of the better finales of the long-standing series (along with last year's season-ender, which, yes, was also strong). However, our lovely warm feelings are about to get a little douse of the cold water of reality as we must send one couple home before the credits roll. Despite the fact that I've clearly stated my favorites, it doesn't make sending any of the remaining four home any easier. They've all given equal commitment and equal heart to the process. But … here we are. And here we go:

Moving into the Final Finale Round are … Maks & Meryl (yay!) and Derek & Amy (yay, squared!). So, now my finale is set, who joins them? It's a toss-up, really, but … it's Candace & Mark rounding out the finale field! So Peta & James' journey has come to an end. Sad, but not entirely surprising. I think he should be proud of his time on the show and how well they did. A show of hands. Who thinks the relationship will continue post-show? Really? I didn't put my hand up. Time, and a phalanx of TMZ reporters, will tell us the tale, I'm sure. Stay tuned …

Tomorrow is the Big Finish, but let's keep the good times rolling right here, right now, shall we? Last week at the end of my recap for a very different, and infuriatingly unsatisfying finale (yes, Castle show, I'm talking to you!), I set up a big ol' giveaway to go along with what I knew would be a far, far more entertaining season finish. So far, oh, Dancing With the Stars, you've proved me so right! What's up for grabs in this Giveaway of Finale Goodness? A copy of my recent release, Half Moon Harbor, tucked inside its very own happening Half Moon Harbor canvas tote bag, that's what! One lucky winner will pick up a set tonight, and I'm giving away a second set after tomorrow's show. Everyone who entered last week is in for both drawings, so no need to enter again for tomorrow's prize, but if you were smart and ran far far away from the Finale That Need Not Be Discussed Ever Again, then please send in your entries now! It's simple: e-mail me at donna@donnakauffman.com with "I want my happy ending!" (See: Last week's Castle recap, but it applies to this show, too! Only in a much, much better way.) Then tune in here tomorrow morning for the Final Finale recap to see if you are the happy tote bag n' book prize winner!

Who scores the Finale Part 1 swag? Come on down, Lynne Brandon!! Just e-mail me at the address above with details on where to ship your prize and it will be winging its way to you!

OK then … whew! That was fun. But now we have a few hours to kill before spraying on our tans, gluing on numerous sequins and mixing up a fresh batch of fruity umbrella drinks. Why not join me over on my Facebook Reader Page where all the day-to-day fun and frivolity happen? Curious about my books? Well, there's a bunch of them to peruse and explore, too, so check out the website and find something to tuck into your beach bag this summer!