Castle wedding finale recap by Donna Kauffman: Noooooo!!!!

We made it! All the way to the end. We started the season here in my neck of the woods, in D.C., with Lisa Freaking Edelstein … and after a lot of ups, a few downs, and far too much Pi, we end up getting rewarded for our patience with … a wedding! OK, OK, so maybe not right off the bat. There will be complications. Because, well, it's Castle. Getting married. But have heart. And maybe a bowl of popcorn. We'll get there!

We begin with numbers. Mom Martha gleefully announces they got the final guest list down under 300, Castle signs the last of 500 copies of his latest tome so he can duck a handful of signings and get married instead, and we learn their wedding venue is a rooftop location that provides a 360-degree view of Manhattan. That, and Castle is still a little bummed he couldn't convince his bride-to-be that their walk back down the aisle should conclude with a leap off the roof. Oh, Beckett, you do have your hands full.

Then it's on to the precinct where Beckett is handing off her remaining case files to Espo and Ryan as she'll be honeymooning on a private island in the Maldives for the next three weeks. So, OK … maybe putting up with her husband-to-be's shenanigans has an upside.

Now they're off to the courthouse to get the marriage license, all adorably googly-eyed, while I'm wondering, um … we aren't going to have some grisly murder pop up in all this, right? Then we get to the whole license part and the court clerk asks for their previous divorce papers. Castle, of course, has a stack, and then she looks expectantly at Beckett, who's all … "Me? I've never been married." And Clerk is all, "Uh, not according to this."

Ruh roh.

Back at Casa de Castle, Mom Martha and Best Man Daughter Alexis are asking Beckett just who the mystery hubby is. Turns out her freshman year in college she and a boyfriend had too much to drink, ended up in Vegas and went through a drive-through wedding chapel, never imagining it was legal. She dumped the guy several weeks later when she found out his character was far more tarnished than sterling, and, well, yeah … Mom Martha wants to know if Beckett ever told her father about it. Gulp. "I think I'm going to be sick." I want to know why the local county clerk found her previous marriage, but Lisa Freaking Edelstein and the entire FBI missed it when they did that background check on her back when this season started. But why quibble over plot holes so big you could trip, fall in, and end up in Wonderland? We've got a wedding to get to!

See? Like I said. Pop some corn. Saddle up. We're in for a wild ride to the altar!

Castle gets his lawyer over who explains that he could push through the marriage dissolution in time for them to have their wedding, three days hence, but she'll have to get Mr. Degenerate to sign the papers. Given she hasn't seen the guy in 15 years (more numbers) that might be a problem. How will they find him?

Cue Espo and Ryan, doing the detective thing. "Your husband is a real piece of work," Ryan wants her to know as he scrolls through many a rap sheet attached to the guy for fraud and the like. Snort. The last known address was from five years earlier, in a small town in Upstate New York. Beckett repeatedly tries the phone number they dig up as being associated to that address, but it goes to voice mail, which is full. She slumps down next to Castle. "What are we going to do?" Castle wants to know what she wants to do. She wants to get married. So does Castle. Well, then … let's get married! She pops up and tells Castle that he'll need to stay in NYC to keep the marriage plans on track and corral guests and the like. And Beckett? "We've got less than three days till the wedding, that gives me three days to track down Mr. Rogan O'Leary and get a divorce."

Cue plunging pen! Cue theme music! Cue me thinking this popcorn would be even tastier with some chocolate to go with it! (I blame the thought of wedding cake with the sudden demands my sweet tooth is making …)

We come back from commercial to find Beckett staring up at a quaint and tidy little boarding house of an apartment complex. She heads up the stairs, looks pensively at the door, then bangs on it. Hard. An older woman comes out from the room across the hall and says, "Honey, he's not worth it." When Beckett asks what she means, she says, "He has a smile that will make a woman's pants fall off, but trust me, he's trouble." HA! I want to cast her in my next book. Beckett asks if she knows where the guy is and with an eye roll and a look of pity, she tells her.

And … naturally, this leads us to a bar. In the middle of the day. Turns out he's a bartender there. Beckett asks the woman currently behind the bar where he might be, just as a brawl breaks out in the back. Only, maybe not so much a brawl, as a woman scorned taking out the full extent of her fury and wrath on the one who scorned her with flying bottles, swinging doors, shoving into tables, throwing more stuff, and maybe venting a little verbally while she's at it. Oh, and the one who scorned her? Yeah, that would be Beckett's not-so-devoted spouse, O'Leary.

Woman Scorned tells him they're done in no uncertain terms, turns and stalks away, past a silently observing Beckett, only to have him go after her, take her arm, "You don't mean that," he tells her as he turns her around. "You love me too much." Which is right when she lands a sharp uppercut to his jaw. Me and Beckett both form the "Ooooh" face at the same time as Hubby O'Leary hits the ground. He opens his eyes to see the bleary shape of Beckett's face in his line of vision. The smile comes slowly. "Kit Kat, is that you?"

Oh, she can never let anyone know about that one.

Cut to his small, uberquaint Mayberry-esque place, and she's all, "You haven't changed," and he's all, "That? A little lovers' quarrel." He wants to know if she's exploring her past loves to find herself, and she's all, "Um, no. Remember that little drive-through in Vegas? Yeah, turns out we've been married for 15 years." Castle. By the numbers. He's all, "For realsies?" which pretty much sums him up entirely. She shows him the papers and asks him to sign and she'll get out of his hair and he's more than happy to comply, only … he stalls. Then stalls some more, and the hamster is on the wheel inside his head, running to … where …? He tells her he'll sign, but she has to do something for him first. Lovely, lovely man, huh?

We're whisked back to NYC and Alexis walking Ryan and Espo through their groomsmen tux fittings. Castle says he heard from Beckett that she found the guy a few hours before, but nothing since. Espo tells him not to worry, that she's just making it all work out. Castle is all, "Yes, they can talk about all the things they have in common, like how many people she's put in prison and how many people he's met in prison." He jokes, but you can see he's not overly amused by the whole situation. His tension is abated when Beckett calls to tell him that he'll sign, but that there's a little glitch. O'Leary wants her to break into his ex-gf's truck to get the garage door opener. Which opens her mom's garage, which is where she stashed things of his that she took after they broke up. Golly. That sounds … not at all like it might cause bigger problems. Castle wonders why a guy with his madd rap sheet skillz doesn't just steal the thing himself. Turns out the truck is parked outside her bar and everyone knows him, so would see him breaking into it and tell her.

Castle thinks it's all crazy, but she knows it's grab the door opener and get married, or the guy drags everything out and the wedding is off. She calmly walks over to the truck, the street is deserted, uses a police-issue jimmy to pull the lock up, reaches in, gets the opener … just as the Mayberry cops pull around the corner. She pulls the roll-under-the-car trick, it works, and next thing we're back at the O'Leary's place and Beckett is pretty much all done with the games. She assures Castle she's not taking no for an answer as she stalks back inside with the opener. Just as she reaches for the door, it bangs open and out tumbles O'Leary and some masked thug intent on beating the crap out of him. They spill out into the street just as a pickup truck pulls up. Masked Thug slams O'Leary onto the hood of the truck as Beckett runs after them, but before she can intervene, Thug jerks O'Leary into the cab of the truck, which then squeals directly at Beckett who leaps away at the last second … and watches them drive off into the night, her still-husband in tow. She stares down the now empty street with a "Really?" Yeah. So it's like that. I'd say this sounds too far-fetched, and yet you know there are people out there who have crazier stories than this. Truth. (And, no, if that person is you, I do not want to hear said story in a long rambling e-mail to me, that ends with a request for bail money.)

Back after the break, Beckett is giving a full report, street side, to the local cop, but as soon as she gets to who was abducted, the cop — a woman — simply rolls her eyes and closes her notepad and turns back to her cruiser. Beckett is all, "Wait, why are you leaving?" The cop calmly explains that the town doesn't have the resources to track down every crime involving O'Leary and that he'll show up in a few days, "Drunk, bruised, and sorry as hell." Beckett explains she doesn't have a few days, and the woman gives her the same look of pity the older woman did earlier. "From one woman to another? Let him go." And she taps out of the match.

Beckett goes inside O'Leary's place and is explaining all to Castle, who thinks they should postpone, but she's determined. He's worried she's doing this on her own, no backup, so he assures her all the wedding plans are on track and he's coming up there to help her. She's all, "You sure?" But she's smiling. They make a good team, after all. Aww. So, he's off to get on the road north … only his phone rings and, um, yeah, about that rooftop wedding venue? Seems they had this circus-themed thing with fire breathers and, um … there is no roof on the top of the building anymore. Sadly, this sounds exactly like something that would happen to me. Castle is bemoaning the fact that he has no place to get married and no one to get married to, but Mom Martha is certain they can find another location. "In Manhattan? For 300 people? In less than two days?" Alexis thinks they should move the wedding to their house in the Hamptons, which is a special place for Castle and Beckett anyway, as that's where they were when their relationship took the turn for the romantic.

Cut to Castle in Willow Creek to help Beckett while Mom Martha and Alexis start working on the Big Wedding Move. Castle and Beckett head to O'Leary's ex's mom's house, hoping the ex can tell them what else O'Leary might have been mixed up in. Turns out he used her bar as collateral for some scheme he had and lost it all. She claims that despite everything, she still loves him, but wishes he hadn't put her business in jeopardy. Then lets the bomb drop about how she feels bad for the guy given he has a wife who's been in a coma for 15 years … a wife who, it seems, would be … Beckett. "So tragic." Yeah, Castle opines dryly. Tragic. They ask what it was he wanted from her garage so badly. Turns out it was her laptop, which they borrow.

We're on the highway, Beckett behind the wheel, Castle scrolling through the laptop. Beckett is heated that the guy used her all those years as an excuse not to commit. "Coma wife," Castle says. "Kind of brilliant, actually." Then Beckett mentions she won't make her spa bachelorette party with Lanie, and Castle is all, "You were going to have naked ladies, too?" Seriously, hands full, Beckett. Just sayin'. She worries they will never get this sorted out, and he's all, "We'll get it done. We have to. It can't really get any crazier." They head back to O'Leary's place, walk in, only to find the place filled with — yay! — more thugs! Thugs with shotguns! "Yeah," says Castle. "I spoke too soon."

They want money for a job they did for O'Leary and seems they found the divorce papers on the table, so they know Beckett is married to the guy. Seems he owes them 5K for stealing a stripper's phone, so they'll take payment in full, please, from her instead. Castle wants to know what could be on a stripper's phone worth $5,000. He gives Head Thug 500 cash — all he has on him — to buy them some time. They have 12 hours.

Off to see the stripper … who won't tell them anything. Then a call from Lanie that the horrifying couture wedding dress was the victim of a busted water pipe. This makes me sad not at all. Beckett is losing faith and Castle gives her the best pep talk ever. "Ours is a great love story. What's a great love story without obstacles to overcome? Every fairy tale has them. You can't give up. That's the deal. We want the happy ending? We can't give up." Aww. I'd marry that guy.

Phone rings and the tech guru from back at the precinct has found something on the ex-gf's laptop. She forwards some images she thinks Beckett should see. Castle sees them first and chortles. "Ooh, now I know why O'Leary wanted the phone." Turns out the photos are of the local pastor and a stripper. Seems O'Leary was blackmailing the good reverend. They confront the pastor and he says the stripper was the one blackmailing him at first, but then O'Leary found out about the photos and tried to shake him down for five large. Turns out he didn't kidnap O'Leary. He has the satchel of money to pay O'Leary off, but he never showed. So Beckett thinks it's the stripper who took him, peeved that he stole her revenue stream out from under her. Back to the strip joint, only she's gone. Another helpful stripper directs them to her boyfriend's farm, and off we go. And? Bingo! Yep, there's the pickup truck.

Only, it's Beckett and Castle up against armed men. When they drive off, the two head to the barn to see if they can find O'Leary. "Looks like something from an Amish horror flick." Beckett shushes him, then spies what looks like a hunched-over body. They approach it from the back, and she reaches out to touch the arm … and the head falls off! The scarecrow head. But not before Castle screams kind of like a girl. Ish. Cue howling laughter from the other corner … where the actual O'Leary is bound and gagged, quite amused with the little scene. Yeah, I want to punch him, too, right now. What a d— um, family-newspaper-appropriate name. She yanks off the gag, and he's all, "You should have seen your face! Who is this guy, Kit Kat?" Ruh roh. Yeah, so that happened.

Beckett is all, "Sign the papers and I'll cut you loose," and he's all, "Get me out of here first, they're going to kill me." Castle is all, "Well, that would solve our problem." Yeah. What he said. Beckett assures him they're not going to kill him over pastor blackmail, only turns out he had more than that. He had photos of the stripper with her boyfriend, who, it turns out, is a Mafia hit man who is on the run and has left a trail of dead bodies in his wake in order to stay hidden. Suddenly they aren't worried about getting papers signed.

And what, up to now has been good times and wacky hijinks, just got real. Damn it.

They swing open the barn doors, only to find themselves staring down the barrel of two shotguns. "Is it me," O'Leary wants to know, "or are we screwed?" He's gone from trying-too-hard-to-be-charming to seriously annoying to I'd shove the guy in front of me as a human shield and make a run for it and never look back.

But first, we get a glimpse of the Hamptons house, all decked out for the wedding, the water in the background, while Mom Martha frantically tries to get her son on the phone. Lanie and Espo have a nice moment, looking out over the water, holding hands, then it's back to kidnapped central. "Tell me this is still part of the fairy tale," Beckett says. "Only if it's a Grimm one," Castle shoots back. All three of them are tied up in the barn now, back to back to back as O'Leary explains that it was the pastor who got him into the investment scheme that lost him his gf's bar money, so he was just trying to get that back. The Mafia part was just kinda sorta an accident. Then in walks the fugitive Mafia guy. He wants to know where the photos are and O'Leary lies that he doesn't know, given if they turn over the photos, they're dead anyway. Fugitive Mafia Guy holds a gun on Mrs. O'Leary/Beckett to incentivize him to talk, only he continues to equivocate while Beckett and Castle exchange gradually more panicked glances.

Castle spins his chair around at the last second and says he knows where the photos are and offers to take Fugitive Mafia Guy to where the laptop is. Cut to all three of them being escorted out at gunpoint as Castle explains to O'Leary that all three are going so they can leave their dead bodies at O'Leary's and have it look like first husband and wannabe second husband jealous brawl ends in a pile of bloody bodies. Back at O'Leary's … they walk in and BINGO! Hello, shotgun-toting thugs waiting for the rest of their 5K. Guns and shotguns all swing toward each other as Beckett assures Team Thug that Fugitive Mafia Guy is worth $100K reward. And there's more thugs than there are tough guys, so off they go … leaving us back at gf's bar and O'Leary saying, "Gee, I guess I should be thanking you both for saving my … backside." Uh, for starters, yeah. He stalls and I want Beckett to hurt him. I want to hurt him. He does, finally, sign.

He says he wants what Castle and Beckett have … and they tell him maybe he already does. He says his gf will never take him back now, especially as he never got the money back. Castle swings around the money-packed satchel from the good pastor, who says if the photos of him and the stripper disappear, then it's even between them. In comes the ex, spitting fire, only to have O'Leary tell her the painful news. Gee, seems his coma wife died and gf is all, "Oh, I'm so sorry," to which Beckett assures her not to be. "She's in a better place." Heh. O'Leary shows her the duffle full of money, that his now dead coma wife purportedly left him, and he just wants to give it to her to make it up to her. He loves her and she loves him and there is nothing remotely awww about that moment. As they saunter off, deserving each other, Beckett can't believe Castle gave him the money. "I'm a sucker for happy endings."

Speaking of which …

Cue the Hamptons, blue skies, violins playing … Finally, NOW can we have our wedding? I'm all queasy from the popcorn and chocolate and that really (really) cheesy storyline. You owe me, Show. You so owe me. I mean, didn't you learn anything from our reaction to Pi? Because O'Leary? Very Pi-like. Just sayin'. But let's let bygones be bygones and get ourselves hitched, OK?

And we're rewarded with guests strolling in, then finally seeing our bride-to-be in a much, much lovelier gown, which turns out to have been her mother's, so even sweeter. In comes Mom Martha, who wants a private moment with her almost-daughter-in-law. Beckett thanks her for putting everything together and she thanks Beckett for making her son happy. She wanted to give her something blue … turns out they are stunning sapphire earrings that were her mother's, to be handed down. Now, we know Castle has been married before, but Martha assures Beckett that she is the first to wear them. "They've been waiting, for you." OK, now you've made me misty!

Her phone rings, it's her tux-clad husband-to-be, assuring her she is officially a free woman and he is minutes away, speeding his way to the house so the nuptials can commence. Only … Castle isn't the only one speeding to his wedding. So is the big, black SUV that is racing up behind him. It pulls alongside as we shift scenes to the wedding venue … where it's been an hour and Castle is a no-show. Then Beckett gets a call and races to the scene of … the crash. Castle's car, off the cliff, in flames, his bride heartbroken as she looks down at what is surely the demise of her beloved, even if we know it can't possibly be, because the show has already been renewed for another season and even the voiceover guy assures us they'll be back in the fall. Yeah? Well, I can't promise the same.

Because really show! Really?? You couldn't just end the season on the note we've all waited for? The one we earned and trusted you to give us after a very uneven season? You had to go for the cliffhanger? Were you that afraid we wouldn't tune back in this fall to see what happens next? You made us suffer through Pi Squared so we could be put on hold. For three more months? THAT is what would make me not want to tune back in. That and this cheap stunt. Wow.

Just. Wow. And so not in the way you hoped I'd be all, "Wow, didn't see that coming!"

Are you all upset with me? Or do you think this is the Best Unforeseen Finale Ever? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I realize this is way too little and way too late, but at least I'm not pulling any ridiculous stunts. I promise, I deliver. Last week, I promised one lucky viewer their pick of any book from my website bookshelf, including my most recent release, Half Moon Harbor. (And my books actually have happy endings. Just sayin'.) So, come on down, Dale Ames!! And end this night on a good note. You can check out all my titles here then e-mail me at donna@donnakauffman.com with your choice and where to send it and it will be on its way!

Let's keep the happy going, shall we? Paste a brave front over our seething souls right now. Next week I'll be recapping the Dancing With the Stars two-part finale. Not only do I like all the remaining contestants, but I'm pretty sure none of them will end up in a burning car off the side of a cliff. SO! Join me in the ballroom, won't you? You have not one but two chances to win free stuff! How about a copy of my new release, Half Moon Harbor, tucked inside an awesome Half Moon Harbor canvas tote? I'll give one set away with each recap, but you only have to enter once to be in the running for both. Simply drop me an e-mail to donna@donnakauffman.com with "I want my happy ending!" in the subject line. Winners announced at the end of Finale Part 1 recap and Finale Part 2. So get your spray tans and sequins ready, and let's blow this pop stand! Who's with me?