Finally, on the very last episode of Rob & Chyna, Kris Jenner asked Rob the question all of us have been wondering about throughout these six special weeks. "I just have one question. Where did you get that Southern accent?!" THANK YOU. I’ve spent this entire time wondering whether anyone would bother mentioning the fact that this is not how Rob used to sound. He doesn’t have much of an answer, though — just an awkward, mumbly laugh. And that’s typical of the entire series, really. Let’s get into it.
Kim Kardashian, Voice of Reason: If this entire television program was a long con with the sole purpose of rebranding Kim as calm and rational, it has been A HUGE SUCCESS. She’s been the only one to really succeed at talking to both Rob and Chyna in a way that generates healthy results. Kim shows up to Chyna’s Paper magazine photo shoot, at which the editor pulls out a 2011 issue of the magazine and shows off a picture of young, happy Rob in it. It’s super dark. And it’s also super hilarious that what’s managed to mend whatever rift previously existed between Chyna and Kim is their shared enthusiasm for not babying Rob.
Kim talks both Rob and Chyna into coming over for a peacemaking summit at her house, giving each of them one tiny Chuck Taylor sneaker and saying the baby can wear them as a pair if they’re ever together. Rob is in such crushing denial throughout the entire conversation that it’s honestly hard to watch; when Kim says she prays that when the second the baby comes he’ll be happy, he says he absolutely will be, like some sort of switch is going to get flipped or something, and that he’ll be energetic and responsible and engaged the second the cord gets cut.
Stray Observation From My Notes: Chyna seems to read the internet too frequently.
"I Don’t Really Agree With That": Throughout this season, I’ve tried really hard to balance my compassion for Rob’s mental health struggles against my frustration that he has every available medical resource and doesn’t seem interested in taking advantage of that. It legitimately pisses me off to hear Rob say about therapy: "I’m not into that whole situation" and then "I personally don’t agree with that whole thing." Therapy isn’t the Easter Bunny. It’s not a quack medical treatment. It’s not something to be believed in or not. And saying so on national television is damaging. Rob can really be a jerk, and while his mental struggles are an explanation for that behavior, they’re not an excuse.
Rob does finally relent and agree to see a therapist, though it’s not clear whether he’s doing so to appease Chyna or to appease the producers of the reality show on which he’s currently appearing. Or possibly Kris! The therapist who shows up is the same woman Kourtney and Scott saw, which is a little frustrating, since typically therapy is about finding someone who’s the best fit for you, not finding someone with whom your reality TV franchise is already acquainted. In what’s apparently his first session, Rob skips over pretty much everything (including his father’s death and that thing where he hibernated for four straight years) and goes right into stuff with Chyna. It’s his therapy! Do you! But it seemed … odd. Here’s the thing — Rob is actually pretty good at figuring out what’s wrong about a given situation. "I’m insecure!" "Sometimes my family comes at me and I just want to be left alone!" "People need to focus on their own problems, and let me focus on mine!" "Chyna’s hard to talk to and we’re both so firey!" He also seems to think that identifying those problems and then, like, waiting for them to go away is enough. And his therapist doesn’t give him many practical tools beyond "be open and honest." I’m glad he went to therapy once. I hope he’ll go again. And I really, really hope he’ll stop talking about it in a way that’s legitimately harmful.
Who’s Your Daddy?: So, Chyna, for literally no reason other than shutting up internet critics, decides that she wants to take a paternity test, but that she doesn’t want to tell Rob about it because … I don’t know. Because reasons. So she confides in Kim, who offers up next-of-kin genetic material, but Chyna wants the real deal, and so they arrange to break into Rob’s house, but when they show up, he’s home! So stealth mode it is — until Rob’s stolen toothbrush essentially falls out of Chyna’s vagina and she has to tell Rob what they’re up to. It doesn’t help that Rob is randomly swinging an aluminum baseball bat around for all of this, but he’s cool with it, and nurses come to Chyna’s house to get an oral swab from him and to draw Chyna’s blood. (Rob is on his phone while Chyna gets her draw done, but whatever.) Spoiler: ROB IS THE FATHER. Take as much time as you need to absorb the shock. I’ll wait.
We Good?: The big question is: How are Rob and Chyna doing now? And the answer is I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA. Rob is still hurt he missed out on a lot of the aspects of the pregnancy (this is said really vaguely, which makes me think it’s in reference to stuff that happened off camera). They have one semi-healthy conversation. They still don’t appear to be living together. And yet Rob says he sees him and Chyna together in a new house with lots more kids five years from now. Cool. Let me know how that works out for you.
Who Kept Up?: The series gets wrapped up with a family dinner at Kris’s house that Rob "arranged," and everyone keeps talking about the fact that it’s the first dinner they’ve had as a family in years, even though Kendall, Kylie, Kanye, and Caitlyn are all missing. (Let’s be honest: It’s weird to talk about how great it is to all be together without a cursory mention of the absent family members.)
Last Words: "I know in my heart and I know in my vagina that this is his baby." —Chyna
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