Three Dangerous Myths About Women Negotiators

Who is the better negotiator? Image: Thinkstock by Getty Images

Last month a participant in an executive workshop started to ask, “Isn’t it true that women negotiators...” Before he even finished his question, people’s eyebrows went up. Was he about to say something politically incorrect? And if he did, how would I respond?

Actually I was glad he raised the issue. Others in the room, I’m sure, shared his curiosity but were reluctant to ask about a sensitive topic. And the good news is that there’s been a lot of serious research about gender and negotiation. But some findings contradict familiar stereotypes. Those widespread myths continue to trip up men and women alike.

Myth #1: “Women negotiators are less effective than men.” In essence that’s what the guy in my workshop went on to say. When some people challenged him, he waffled a bit. “There was a whole book about that, by some woman professor, I’m pretty sure.”

As it happened, I had recently talked about gender with my Kennedy School of Government colleague Hannah Riley Bowles, who’s expert in this area. She says that decades of studies, taken together, fail to show a consistent negotiation advantage for men (or one for women, for that matter).The sole exception is when people are advocating for themselves—when they seek a raise or promotion, for example. Men may have an edge in those situations. But Hannah notes that “even then, it’s only true in special cases where salary ranges or guidelines for advancement are ambiguous.“

If market standards are clear, gender differences in performance disappear entirely. “People need to recognize,” Hannah adds, “that when women negotiate on behalf of their colleagues or organizations, they are just as effective as men are.”

Myth #2: “Women are better at relational negotiation because they are more cooperative.” If you want to argue in favor of this, you can select certain studies that seem to support your point. But over the years lots of other research has found no real difference. “What gets overlooked,” says Hannah, “is that the really big differences are within each group. Some men are fierce when it comes to negotiation. Others are sweethearts. The same is true for women.” Whatever the style gap is between an average man and an average woman pales in comparison to in-group differences.

Myth #3: “I treat men and women negotiators the same.” When I hear people say this, I believe they’re sincere. But the truth is that many of us unwittingly discriminate when we negotiate.

Hannah did a study in which she asked MBA students preparing for a simulation exercise to tell her their intended first offer. Earlier they’d been given the name of the person they’d be paired with, so in the back of their heads they were aware of whether their counterpart was male or female. When matched with a woman, people were more demanding. (Sellers planned to ask a higher price; buyers, in turn, would offer less.) Men weren’t the only ones to apply this double standard: women likewise made more aggressive asks of their sisters than they did of men!

What explains this behavior? Maybe it’s connected to Myth #1, the belief that women are less capable negotiators, hence are easier to exploit. Or it could be that people are more intimidated by supposedly competitive men. Whatever the motivation, the end result is that women negotiators may have to cover more ground to arrive at satisfactory price. And yet, as Hannah notes, judging from ultimate outcomes, they often succeed.

Taken together the three myths point us in the wrong direction. What samples of men and women do generally is interesting from a sociological viewpoint, but is of no help prepping for specific negotiations. So resist the temptation to pigeonhole individuals, for their sake and your own.

Say you have an important deal coming up with Chris Smith. Knowing whether Chris is male or female shouldn’t drive your strategy or influence how you conduct the process. If you presume that someone will conform to a particular stereotype, you risk distrusting an openhearted man, or getting out-maneuvered by a skillful and determined woman.

Also, look beyond your own gender for negotiation role models. When Lean In author Sheryl Sandberg was first recruited by Facebook, she insisted on lucrative compensation package, but did so in a way that wouldn’t turn off her new employer. “Of course you realize that you’re hiring me to run your deal team,” Sandberg said after layout her terms, “so you want me to be a good negotiator.” Then with a smile she reminded them, “This the only time you and I will ever be on opposite sides of the table."

That deft coupling of strong self-advocacy and a declaration long-term mutual interest would serve any negotiator well, male or female.

Harvard Business School Professor Michael Wheeler is the author of The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World (Simon & Schuster).

He has been a key figure at the renowned Program on Negotiation (PON) at Harvard Law School since its founding 30 years ago. During the 2013-14 academic year, he continues to teach in executive programs at HBS and PON, and is also a visiting professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government.

Image: Thinkstock by Getty Images.