Our favorite February holiday evokes flowers, candlelight and gazing into the eyes of our special someone. But now that the festivities are over, we should be asking ourselves an important question — whether or not that person we’re dating is a financial match. (If you’re already happily committed and looking for tips on handling money together, check out this advice.)
You’ve probably heard the sobering statistic that money is the most common cause of fights among married and cohabiting couples. A study also found that, of all the kinds of fights couples have, those about money are the leading predictor of divorce.
So, it’s important, when looking for a mate, to find someone compatible financially. But, take note: That does not mean you have to find your financial twin. In fact, that is highly unlikely to happen.
“There is research that supports this: You are more likely to find someone who is your financial opposite. You just tend to attract that person,” says Jacquette Timmons, a financial behaviorist and the author of "Financial Intimacy: How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Money and Your Mate." “If you’re a saver, you’re more likely to be attracted to a spender and vice versa, and if you end up with someone with the same archetype, one of you will scale back. If both of you are penny-pinchers and savers, then one will become less so and vice versa. So … don’t try to have the goal to be with somebody who approaches money the same way you do.”
That said, you can still take steps to help ensure that you end up with a good financial match, no matter what your differences are.
1. Understand your own money habits and behaviors.
“The first place everybody needs to start and that they tend to overlook the most is yourself. Understand what you do with money and why you do it. What has shaped your perspective on money, the habits you have, the discipline you have? Deepen your own self-awareness so you know how that influences your expectation of what someone else does or doesn’t do,” says Timmons.
2. Observe your partner’s money patterns.
Through conversation and everyday activities, you’ll probably begin to see how the person you’re dating makes financial decisions around spending, debt, goals, etc. You probably don’t even need to actively observe, because most likely some things will naturally catch your attention. If anything triggers concern, file a mental note, but don’t start right in on questions or judgments, especially if you’re still getting to know the person.
3. Include money in the topics you cover as you get to know each other.
Just as you’re learning more about the person’s family, friends, hobbies, etc., you’ll probably start to naturally cover financial topics, whether through talking about travel, a friend’s destination wedding or holiday gifts. Timmons also says that pop culture — Two Broke Girls? Wolf of Wall Street? — often gives opportunities to discuss money.
4. Ask questions with an open mind.
After noticing your partner’s money habits, you may have some questions. But, cautions Timmons, “never ask a question you yourself are not comfortable answering … Engage in such a way where it is more out of curiosity and not because you’re making a judgment about what someone does or doesn’t do.”
If you find it awkward to initiate a conversation, admit it. “You can say, ‘This feels really awkward for me, but I want to understand — you always pick up the tab, where did you learn your money management skills?’” says Timmons.
Don’t shy away from asking questions, she says, citing a case in which a woman had grown up hand to mouth and, as an adult, was determined never to have debt. She married an Ivy League MBA with his own consulting practice and upon marriage discovered he had a lot of debt. The relationship ended in divorce.
“Part of the problem is that we’re so afraid to talk about money — actually, I don’t think we don’t talk about money. We talk about it all the time — we just don’t have the right conversations. If she had asked him the right questions, she would have realized his consulting wasn’t as successful as she was led to believe. There were things she was uncomfortable with but didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask him. You’re comfortable enough to have intimate moments with someone but not to ask them about money. Or if, when you do, they get really defensive. That’s a red flag,” says Timmons.
5. If you hear something you don’t like …
“It becomes a deeper inquiry, it becomes an invitation to have a deeper conversation. If someone says, ‘I have $10,000 in credit card debt, and I’m only paying the minimum.’ ‘Oh, that’s interesting — tell me a little bit more about that. Why is that the case?’ Or ‘what’s the reason’ because sometimes ‘why’ can be experienced as judgmental,” says Timmons. If you ask “What’s the reason you’re only paying the minimum?” you may find out that they can only afford that much at the moment but plan, once they get a raise, to increase their payments and get rid of that debt as soon as possible.
She recommends engaging in a business exercise called the Five Whys, in which you ask why to each answer to find out the real reason behind a behavior that can then help you find a solution, rather than ending in a place of judgment. That said, of course you may also come to a point where you realize that you will never be comfortable with that person’s stance on a particular money issue. (More on that in a second.)
6. Cover these topics.
If things start to get serious, you’ll want to know what your potential mate earns, their debt and credit profiles, and if they are saving for retirement, have other financial goals and emergency savings, and have investments. You’ll also want to cover spending, saving and budgeting in general, their financial past, their plan for the future, and their philosophy on other related issues ranging from philanthropy to gambling.
“You shouldn’t be engaged and moving toward marriage without having found out something about your partner’s financial situation,” says Bethy Hardeman, consumer advocate for Credit Karma. “Imagine marrying someone and finding out they have debt, and it becomes your debt too. It’s important not only to know what skeletons they have in the closet, but what philosophy they have for the future, if they agree saving for retirement is important, and to use credit cards to smartly get rewards but not as borrowed money.”
If you’re getting married later in life, after you’ve both amassed some wealth or perhaps after divorce or when you already have children, you may want to explore a prenup, not with the intention of divorce, but because, for instance, “The prenup helps to be clear about who gets what, because as a surviving spouse, you could potentially get everything and how does that leave the children?” says Timmons.
7. Beware of red flags.
Despite your best efforts to understand where the other person comes from, you may reach an impasse over a particular issue. “What is a red flag for one person is not a red flag for someone else,” says Timmons. “You have to know your own triggers.”
And be aware that certain behaviors, such as lying or keeping secrets about money, and financial bullying, are unacceptable, period. In a recent study, Credit Karma found that one in ten people in a committed relationship considered their partner a financial bully, with behaviors including limiting their monthly spending (34%), making them show receipts for all purchases (20%) and — perhaps the most serious, as this can prevent someone from building credit — prohibiting them from having credit cards (17%).
“A lot of us can feel guilty about something we buy. Maybe we splurged and shouldn’t have done that — but do you feel guilty because you shouldn’t have spent that money on a new pair of shoes or because your partner has imposed that guilt upon you?” says Hardeman. “For younger couples, they need to take a step back and think about whether it’s something that permeates the whole relationship, or is a small tendency you can catch now.”
You may need to step away if you’re in a dangerous situation and “you have no power or control because the other person has taken it away from you and uses their decisions about finances to control you,” says Hardeman. For instance, if you don’t know the login to the bank account, or your partner won’t let you see a credit report, try to check it yourself at Annual Credit Report and make sure no one has opened accounts in your name that you're unaware of, or go see a relationship or financial counselor.
8. Have fun.
Barring a serious situation, enjoy the process of deepening your relationship in every way including financially. “So often when people talk about love and money, it’s a conversation that they just absolutely either despise or don’t look forward to because they feel it’s going to be such a heavy, weighty conversation,” says Timmons. Instead, she says, make it as fun as possible.
If this becomes a relationship that lasts, then make sure to have a regular money check-in around goals instead of only talking about it when there’s a crisis or a big, stress-inducing decision to be made. “Make it less transactional and more fun and that will go a long way,” says Timmons.
Find out more on how couples should manage their finances.
