Ten Things A Nurse Doesn't Want to Hear

1) "You're so smart, you should have gone to medical school." I AM smart---that's why I became a nurse instead of enduring 80-hour work weeks and giving up sleep for eight years.

2) "It must be great to be a nurse---you get to date all those sexy doctors!" And you, my friend, have been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. We barely have time to take care of our own bodily functions during work hours, let alone make out in the stairwell with somebody who's carrying around as many germs as we are. Yecccccch.

3) "Why don't nurses wear caps anymore?" Two words: infection control. They also look funny with SpongeBob scrubs and Crocs.

4) "Oh, looky there Mabel, that's a real stethoscope she's got on!" And gee whiz, she even knows how to use it!

5) "I bet you just LIVE to give shots (start IVs/insert catheters/perform any procedure that's painful and/or embarrassing)." Oh, sure, of course I get my jollies from causing pain---that's why I'm eking out an existence as a nurse rather than living la vida loca and working as a dominatrix.

6) "Nursing can't be that difficult. My niece is a nurse and she only had a C average in school." Further conversation reveals that the niece is really a home health aide, not even certified, who works for one elderly couple three mornings a week.

7) "The nurse at my doctor's office says........" Again with the mistaken assumption that anyone in scrubs a) is a nurse, and b) knows more than the person who's taking care of you at this particular moment. The medical assistant at your doctor's office, however capable she may be, is not a nurse. Neither is the receptionist at the front desk, the tech who takes your vital signs, or the phlebotomist who draws blood for your lab work. They are all vital members of the health care team and they have challenging jobs in their own right; but unless their name tag says RN or LPN, they aren't nurses.

? "I bet you make a lot of money." Yep, I'm all set to retire at 55 and head to the south of France. Know any more jokes??

9) "My call light's been on for 45 minutes---where were you, on the computer at the nurses' station?" Absolutely! And while I was at it, I Googled myself and my family just for the heck of it, bought a treadmill on eBay, played solitaire, and checked in at Allnurses. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!

And finally, here's one of the most irritating statements of all: "Nurses are angels in white." It's sentimental nonsense rooted in the way-back days when nurses were little more than servants to the physician. First of all, many of us haven't worn white since nursing school and wouldn't be caught dead in it. Besides, most of us prefer to be considered professionals, not mythical beings who, even if they do exist, undoubtedly don't drink, smoke, swear, flip the bird at their manager's closed door when nobody's looking, talk trash about their co-workers, call doctors nasty names in the break room, or go home after a bad shift and growl at the family. Nurses have been known to do all of these things. We're human.

Now, aren't you glad we cleared the air?