Say WHAT?!? How am I supposed to work with these people?
Look around you right now, and you’ll find one thing: difficult people. Whether online, at home or in the office, there are always individuals that make us crazy. The surprising thing is, the difficulty always comes from the same place - regardless of the personality or behavior that seems to be causing the challenge. There’s a common source of difficulty, and it’s consistent for everyone. Do you know what it is? Be sure to share and comment when you see it!
At first glance, there are four types of difficult people that you will run into:
- Disaster Masters - These folks take the path of least resistance by offering you the path of most resistance. On a rocket-ship to the planet “NO,” cooperation is outside of their vocabulary. Who’s your Disaster Master?
- Welcome to My Way - Controlling micro-managers only see one way to do things, and it’s not yours. A small-minded approach to people and circumstances is always difficult. When “my way” is the only way, other viewpoints don’t matter. So...who’s trying to control you right now?
- Humble Brags - These folks say things like, “When we went to Italy, it rained the whole time! All we could do was stay inside at the Four Seasons and try to think of things for our butler to do for us...” Their poison is all over Instagram. Their lack of self-awareness is only topped by their self-love - do you know the type?
- Time Bombs - Ready to go off at any minute, these folks never let the punishment match the crime. These difficult people find calm discussion an impossible dream. Overwhelmed by their own emotion, time bombs are tempermental, unpredictable, bossy...or worse. Do you know someone who’s ready to explode without warning?
While Tom lacks tact, Sindu seeks self-love, and Carl can’t compromise, you can’t change other people. But you can change how you respond to them - and that response is always within your reach. When working with difficult people, making better decisions will help you to adapt and overcome.
Where Difficulty REALLY Comes From
If you choose to confront your Uncle regarding his political views, I bet I know how your Thanksgiving will turn out. Does that look like less difficulty, or more?
Nevertheless, absence of conflict isn’t necessarily going to a make a situation better. Sometimes silence is the worst response of all when dealing with difficult people. Because silence can mean agreement: what you don’t confront, you condone. Maybe she’s treating you like dirt because you haven’t shared what you need, in a way that’s clear, caring and compelling. Notice that talking about what you need isn’t the same as trying to convert someone’s thinking. Behavior is the focus, not mindset.
According to the Harvard Business Review, over 2/3 of managers are uncomfortable talking to employees for any reason. And those numbers change when the conversation is confrontational or corrective. Yet, conversation is the key to coping with difficult people. Sitting alone with your thoughts and seething because Sara doesn’t listen is only making things more difficult. Here are four leadership strategies to help you to have the conversation that matters, when it comes to dealing with difficult people:
- What Can You Really Change? - Leaders know that trying to change someone’s thinking is a recipe for a fight. But what about their behavior? Look at the behavior you need, and let people know that treating you like a doormat isn’t really in their best interest. Make sure you notice that last sentence again: focus on their best interests. Because they are. How does the change you propose - from difficulty to cooperation - work for them? Are you only speaking about your own perspective? Start where they are as a context for a new kind of leadership conversation.
- Beyond Expectations - One thing that makes other people really difficult is unmet expectations. If you have things you expect from others, but they don’t know what you want, that instantly builds difficulty. Leaders conquer conflict by moving from expectations to agreement. Sharing your expectations is a great exercise in self-expression, but if you don’t get mutual buy-in you’re left with nothing. Remember the quote from Jack Stack in The Great Game of Business: “People support what they help to create.” Take the lead in your life. Create agreements with the difficult people around you, and gain their commitment. Otherwise, your unmet expectations will only lead to more frustration.
- Move From Observation to Creation - Difficulty is described using the language of observation: “Lana never turns in her reports on time,” “that new VP will never promote me, he’s just a time bomb,” etc. The language of observation just sees more difficulty, instead of taking action to eliminate it. How can you shift your language - and your perspective - to the language of creation? In other words, the words that will help you to create something new. Something easier. Something that really works for you. Perhaps you can identify some new terms that might lead away from unmet expectations...and drive new agreements? That conversation destroys difficulty, and replaces it with collaboration.
- Remember Where the Difficulty Is Coming From - It’s easy to believe the lie that other people are the source of our unhappiness. Just like most people believe that fame and fortune are the source of great joy. Is that really true? Think of people who had wealth and fame and all of that noise and yet...some of the people you’re thinking of right now even committed suicide. The truth is, our circumstances don’t create our reality, or our moods. Our thinking does. That thinking is the common thread - the consistent source of our experience of “difficult people.” Have you ever met someone who you thought was a complete jerk, and then later you became fast friends (or maybe even husband and wife)? How is that possible? Just writing down your thoughts about a difficult person can be the first step in seeing things in a new light! Why not write out all of the things that bug you - and be as petty and as childish as you’d like - get it all out on the screen. What new ideas show up? Or are you going to argue that what you wrote about that person is a true and unchangeable story, where your thinking can never change? Hmmm...now who’s being difficult?
No matter who you’re dealing with, you always have one option at your disposal: the option to choose how you respond. What if the solution to dealing with difficult people was never more than one thought away? After all, if it’s one thought that’s causing the difficulty, choosing a different thought might just change everything.
Your words and your actions will teach others how to treat you. Your ability to stand up for yourself, create agreements, and step out of your own thinking will help ease the difficulty. Sartre said, “Hell is other people.” Maybe it’s time to rise above your demons and recognize the role that thought plays in your world. Look at ways to find agreement around new behaviors. Is there another way of looking at this person, this circumstance, this difficulty? You may not see it just now, but the answer to that question is always, “yes.” Would that one thought make things less difficult?
