Being a good friend sometimes puts you in stressful, what-can-I-possibly-say situations—especially when you see your pal struggling through a crisis like divorce. But in trying to be in her corner, you may actually end up alienating her and making her feel even more freaked out about the decisions she's making.
"In general, you want to be a good listener, which is easier said than done," says Leslie Malchy, a Vancouver-based relationship therapist and owner and founder of Soft Landing Therapy. "The best thing you can do is keep your opinions to yourself, lend your ear, and let your friend know that you trust her judgment, regardless of her decision."
And no matter where the conversation goes, experts and real women alike say you'd be wise to steer clear of the following 10 phrases.
"Well, 50% of people get divorced, so you're not alone."
"Even though divorce is incredibly common, it still feels like a traumatic event if you're the one going through it," says Malchy. "Making the experience seem common undermines how upset your friend may be feeling."
"I sort of thought you guys were struggling the last time I saw you."
"A so-called 'friend' said this when I announced my husband and I were separating. The funny thing was, the last time she'd seen us was two summers before, when I didn't even think we were having problems!" says Ellen*, 40, who has been divorced for two years. This type of comment falls under the umbrella of "keep your opinions to yourself"—no one wants to hear you've been analyzing their relationship from the sidelines for years.
MORE: 5 Ways To Love Your Life After Divorce
"I never trusted him ever since I saw him flirting in the carpool line."
It's tempting to spill about bad behavior you've seen the ex-spouse engaging in, especially because you think it might give your friend confidence in her decision. But that's not a wise move, says Katie, 42, who has been separated for a year. "When I announced that my husband and I were taking a break, so many people came out of the woodwork to tell me about how they never trusted him, then followed with examples of how they had seen him flirting or behaving in public. I know they meant well, but if they were really concerned, why didn't they tell me when it actually happened?"
"I'm jealous. You get to start over."
"Someone actually said that to me," marvels Anya, 43, who has been divorced for five years. "Jealous of what? Custody arrangements? Legal bills? Endless ruminating about what went wrong?" Obviously, marriage has its ups and downs, and divorce can come with a blank slate. But that doesn't mean it's easy in any way, and saying you're jealous of her freedom is a reminder to her that you're still married—which is not what she needs right now.
"I know a great divorce lawyer. Let me set up an appointment."
It sounds helpful, but to someone in the midst of a divorce, proactively stepping in the middle of things may read as pushy, warns Allison Rimland, a Denver-based couples therapist at Thrive Family Services. Let her know you're happy to give referrals if she needs, but give her room to think about taking you up on the offer.
MORE: 11 Early Warning Signs Of Divorce Most People Miss
"Let me know if you need anything!"
"It's really hard to ask for help, especially if you're already feeling vulnerable," says Malchy. Instead, she advises being as specific as possible: Offer to host your pal's kids for a sleepover on Saturday night or to bring over a bottle of wine and a home cooked meal for Friday night girl talk. "She's less likely to turn something down or say she has everything under control if you make a concrete offer," Malchy explains.
"I hate him/her."
"I can say I hate my ex. You can't," says Abby, 45, who has been divorced for 8 years. "After all, I did love him at one point and he is the father of my kids." Experts concur. "It's like how you can talk badly about your family, but if anyone else does, you leap to their defense," says Rimland. "Even if your friend is venting about her ex, resist the urge to jump into the game. 'I'm so sorry, that has to be really hard,' and 'I'm here for you' are all supportive phrases you can use when there's a lull in the conversation."
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"I saw him on Friday night. He looked so miserable."
Couples know that when a split happens, mutual friends may not want to pick sides and might socialize with both parties. But making it obvious that you've seen the ex can make your friend feel even more excluded, says Rimland. Be honest that you don't want to take sides, but don't bring up the fact you socially see them both. "If she asks, just say that you plan to be friends with both parties, and ask how you can support her in a way that won't make you take sides," says Rimland.
"Just have a fling! Have you tried Tinder yet?"
She'll be ready to date at some point in the future, but foisting it upon her now belittles the fact that she's going through a mourning period, says Rimland. Jessica, 42, who has been divorced for 12 years, concurs. "I felt a lot of pressure to date immediately after my divorce, and I did, but it wasn't good for me at all. I needed some time to settle and focus on what I really wanted out of my relationship."
MORE: 8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Your Health
"You need to get drunk."
"So many people said this to me during my divorce," says Terri, 42, who has been divorced for 7 years. "I know it's a cliché, but trust me, drinking was the last thing I needed. I needed to feel uplifted and inspired!" Sure, invite her out with the girls, but make the focus less on drowning your sorrows and more on celebrating past good times and future plans. Invite her on an all-day hike or suggest trying the new spin studio in town. Doing something that gets her out of her head (and won't give her a headache) will be beneficial to both of you.
*Name changed for privacy.
