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Of the many complaints I hear from leaders, one of their greatest sources of frustrations is feeling misunderstood, especially by their direct reports. It’s inevitable that employees sometimes “won’t get” where a leader is coming from. But more often, if a leader is misjudged, it’s because of his or her own actions. A leader’s failure to understand the deeper drivers of his messages and actions can blind him to how others may actually experience him, and weaken his most vital relationships.
Our emotional response to any given situation stems from our past experiences. We catalogue these moments and they become subconsciously recorded as the stories or operative narratives that help us make sense of the world. A leader who hasn’t taken the time and effort to become aware of his or her operative narrative risks being “triggered” by current events or situations, often in counterproductive ways. As a result, they fail to communicate effectively with their teams – and are often misjudged. Over time, those they lead and work with spend more time decoding, and avoiding, those triggers than trying to understand what the leader means or wants. The costs for such misunderstanding can be significant for the leader and the organization.
To be seen for who you really are, you must delve into your operative narratives and your patterns of relating to others to ensure the connections you form are as positive and productive as you intend. Here’s how:
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1. Uncover what you believe and value
Begin by drawing a timeline of your life and identifying critical turning points—significant life experiences that shaped the way you see things. Ask yourself: What was particularly impactful about the event? What did I learn about myself through that experience? What is the core value or belief I hold as a result of that experience? How does that value or belief show up in how I lead today? As you evaluate these emotionally significant events, your belief system will emerge. Assess how the value or belief shows up in how you lead today. Identify the positive, consistent aspects as well as any potential disconnects between your current behaviors and what you believe. Such disparities compromise your ability to lead effectively, and lead to others misinterpreting your actions and intentions. The more aligned your behavior is with your beliefs, the less likely people are to misinterpret you .
2. Give others permission to name your triggers
Most people are bad observers of their own reality, and this holds especially true for leaders. Many aren’t sufficiently self-aware to recognize when something has triggered them, and worse, once situations have devolved into unhealthy and damaging choices, they find themselves asking, “How did I get myself into this situation?”
Our reflexive actions, particularly under stressful circumstances, are so deeply ingrained that they happen far faster than we can recognize, arrest, and address them. Among trusted colleagues, it can be a powerful experience to allow others to point out moments when we are choosing a regrettable path, saying or doing things we later wish we could take back.
3. Know and understand your colleagues
First, identify who are the key individuals with whom you must develop effective working relationships. Ask yourself: What motivates them? What goals and milestones are they trying to achieve? How can I contribute to their success? Note your hypotheses, and then meet with each person individually. Explain that you want to be an effective partner, and focus the conversation on getting answers to your questions.
Throughout the conversation, explore their concept of an effective partner, how they prefer to communicate, and any “hot buttons” that might trigger a negative reaction. Be transparent with your intentions by asking, “How do you best like to collaborate? How might I unintentionally do something that irritates you?” Listen carefully to the questions they ask of you and gauge whether they initiate any form of politicking. If so, it is critical to establish boundaries immediately. If they start to collude with you, or gossip about colleagues, be sure and nip that in the bud. Reaffirm your intentions to establish a more positive partnership with them.
4. Be loyal while avoiding excessive accommodation
In a corporate setting, loyalty manifests as a genuine commitment to the success of your peers and the organization. In healthy relationships, its presence enables colleagues to become better people than they could be alone. This interdependence will impact your motives, preferences, behaviors, and outcomes, and it will sometimes require forgoing your immediate self-interest.
Don’t let your loyalty be confused with a level of accommodation that suggests you are buying favor. For example, you might be tempted to overlook a performance shortfall of a colleague because they are helping you with an important presentation. The conditions for your loyalty should be based on the worthiness and commitment to your partner’s cause, not on what she returns for it. If you are seen as overly deferential, not only will your loyalty be questioned, but so too will your credibility as a leader able to stand on your own.
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5. Be trustworthy and trusting, but not naïve
Trust is foundational to all human relationships. Hard work, time, energy, and some degree of risk taking are required if people are to reap the full potential for satisfaction and productivity in their relationships. Rising leaders must particularly focus on building trust with key partners. Do you know the conditions under which you and your colleagues extend, or withhold trust? For some, it’s competence. For others, integrity. Still for others, its personality. Trust is a currency and you must know which form you trade in, and which form your colleagues trade in , so you learn how to earn and keep one another’s trust.
For many in the middle and lower ranks of organizations, earning the trust and regard of a respected executive is one of life’s most satisfying experiences. The power you hold to make people feel significant and well regarded by how you offer them trust can’t be underestimated. And so you should be generous, but discerning. With the trustworthiness you seek to earn, and the trust you offer, don’t be naïve about the fact that there may be times when the trust you are earning or offering is being exploited in destructive ways. Be conscious as you monitor how the trust exchanged between you and key partners is forming to ensure that it is not being subversively misplaced.
6. Remain genuinely grateful and generous
There is no greater emotional force in an organization than gratitude. Genuine gratitude is a social emotion that strengthens relationships because it requires us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people.
As a leader, you will be surrounded by many who sincerely exert their best efforts to not only feel proud of their accomplishments, but to make you proud as well. Your gratitude will engender a chain reaction of emotions—generosity, delight, pride, and passion among them. It is one of the most generative expressions in any communal endeavor. Being generous with your gratitude helps others see a more complete picture of your intentions, and reduces the instinct to be defensive when you call for improvement.
The degree of misjudgment you experience from those you lead is proportional to the depth of self-knowledge you have about how you are experienced. It is also determined by how closely your intentions and actions match. Do the hard work to study your inner terrain where your behavior emanates from, and minimize those moments where your triggers lead to unwanted misjudgments of your leadership.
