Almost everyone has worked for a difficult boss at some point in their professional life, but most people don't know how to begin navigating this kind of situation.
Recently we asked 10 expert coaches from Forbes Coaches Council how to handle a condescending boss when you can't afford to quit, but you don't want to make the situation worse. Here's the advice they gave.
From left to right: Joyel Crawford, Robin Blakely, Kimberly Giles, Kevin Leonard, Anne Marie Segal, Russ Finkelstein, Laura DeCarlo, Sherry Swift, Yuri Kruman, Mary Schaefer. All photos courtesy of the individual members.
1. Speak Up
You are ultimately in charge of how you feel inside and outside of the workplace. Take a step back and try to identify why your boss feels he/she can talk to you in this manner? You teach people how you want to be treated. Things may get worse when you address the matter, but what might happen if you don't speak up? Come from a place of collaboration and discuss how you both can communicate better. - Joyel Crawford, Crawford Leadership Strategies
2. Set A Time Limit
You're new on the job and your insecure boss feels superior because you don't yet know everything. Take the high road here. It's still early. You actually don't know office dynamics here or the real personality of your boss. Set a time limit for discovery; do your best. Also, trust your early intuition and begin planning a possible exit strategy; your boss may have a deeper personality disorder. - Robin Blakely, Creative Center of America
3. Show Your Appreciation
The best way to fix this is to praise your boss about what a kind, respectful and encouraging boss he/she is. Tell him/her how much you appreciate the way he/she sees the best in you and believes in you. Mention that it's hard to find amazing leaders who treat their employees like they have the same value he/she does. (I know this is counterintuitive, but people like to live up to your highest opinions of them.) - Kimberly Giles, Claritypoint Coaching Academy
4. Understand It's Not About You
You are most likely experiencing stray voltage from other stressors poking at the boss. Find out what the real issues are and establish yourself as a provider of valuable solutions. Ask, "What can I do for you today to help make life a little easier?" I would guess this boss rarely garners compassion. Many times folks simply do not know how to ask for help — even when they are drowning. - Kevin Leonard, Emerald Bay Performance
5. Assess, Then Address
First, assess the situation. Is your boss condescending only to you or generally? Are you in a toxic work environment? Next, address the problem. How can you command respect from and, equally important, create greater rapport with your boss? Are there others (at his/her or a senior level) you can get in your corner? What can you change about your own reaction — outwardly and internally? - Anne Marie Segal, Segal Coaching
6. Seek Additional Context From A Peer
I would recommend checking in with someone else at your workplace to get further perspective. Find someone that you have built trust with and ask questions about your boss. Is the behavior consistent with what they have seen from your boss? Do they know if your boss has triggers, and how you can avoid them? You may have to engage in a conversation, but the more informed you are, the better. - Russ Finkelstein, Clearly Next / Talent Philanthropy Project
7. Be The Turtle; Document Accomplishments And Seek Next Steps
Sometimes you need to be the turtle tucked safely in your shell. Spend your first 90 days working at your best ability to demonstrate your level of contribution. Document everything you learn and contribute. Then, request a meeting, be prepared to showcase your contributions and learning as well as to speak up for yourself. If needed, you now have handy data for a resume update. - Laura DeCarlo, Career Directors international
8. Ask Yourself, Do You Want To Be Right, Or Do You Want To Win?
When dealing with a personality that "feels" condescending, the first goal is to look within for the win. How does their behavior directly impact your desired outcome? Is there a win for you in the fight? Is this who they are in their core? Can you impact their behavior? I'm convinced that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. Exercise influence to impact the outcome. - Sherry Swift, Swift Transitions, Inc
9. Be Wise, Patient And Accommodating; Engage Constructively
Any job is a learning experience — for the positive and the negative. Since you're staying a while, let your boss discharge his or her negative energy by "teaching" you something (even if you know it already), delegating you projects that you can use to prove yourself independent, yet loyal. Deliver consistently, and follow up every Friday with a list of things accomplishments that week, building credibility. - Yuri Kruman, Master The Talk Consulting
10. Stay Focused On Work Issues And Ask Questions
If you are being criticized about how you did something, ask, "How does this impact the results I delivered?" If you are being wrongly accused, ask, "What leads you to think I would do that?" If you don't agree with an assertion or instruction, ask, "What makes you conclude that?" Always keep your verbal delivery neutral. If you don't like the boss's answers, this just informs future decisions. - Mary Schaefer, Artemis Path, Inc.
