How to Help Your Child With School Anxiety at Every Age

"I don't want to go to school!" It's an age-old complaint from children, but a growing body of research suggests that resistance to starting the day can signal a deeper problem: school anxiety.

This particular fear affects 2% to 5% of school-age children, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), and can present in a variety of ways. School anxiety can also affect kids of all ages, for different reasons.

We turned to experts to learn more about school anxiety, what it looks like at various ages, and how to help your child cope.

School Anxiety in Daycare

Seeing your toddler anxious and worried before daycare drop-off can be upsetting and challenging, to say the least. Here are some things to know about what might be behind your child's tears.

Causes of Daycare Anxiety

Around 8 months, many children develop separation anxiety, which causes them to scream and cry whenever their primary caregiver isn't around. This anxiety coincides with a new intellectual skill called object permanence, which is the ability to remember objects and specific people that aren't present, according to pediatrician Alan Greene, M.D., FAAP.

In other words, your baby starts calling up mental pictures of you when you aren't there—and they miss your warmth, comfort, and familiarity. Young children also don't have a sense of time, so they don't understand whether you'll be gone for an hour or two days.

What Daycare Anxiety Might Look Like

Babies and toddlers may cry and cling to their caregiver during drop-off. However, it's important to note that many little ones stop crying, and daycare workers are often skilled at distracting young children from those feelings of separation anxiety.

How to Handle It

Dr. Greene suggests preparing your child with "separation games," such as peek-a-boo, which reinforce that you'll always return after leaving. You can also begin introducing small doses of separation into your little one's life—a visit to an aunt's house or a day with a grandparent.

According to Elizabeth Berger, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, "Little by little, your child will become more comfortable with spending time away from you because they'll know that you will return when you said that you would. They'll also know they had a good time even when you were gone."

When it's time for daycare drop-off, "goodbyes should be brief, affectionate, and with a clear statement that you will be back," Dr. Greene says. Don't draw out this process, since it can make the experience more traumatic for a child.

Though it may be tempting to sneak away while your child is distracted, don't leave without saying goodbye. In an effort to avoid the tears, you risk having your baby feel that they can't trust you and an even bigger reaction next time.

In some cases, switching up the caregiver who does drop-off might help. Finally, Dr. Greene suggests bringing a stuffed animal, blanket, or another special object to the daycare center to leave with them for comfort.

School Anxiety in Preschoolers

You might have imagined that preschool would be thrilling for your child—only to deal with a lot of resistance instead. The good news is that this reaction can be normal, and there are some steps that might help.

Causes of Preschool Anxiety

"School" is an abstract concept to a kid who's never been before. The unfamiliar people and routines can be scary for them. Some preschoolers might also have lingering separation anxiety, but this is completely normal. However, if you notice extreme indicators of separation anxiety, you may want to mention it to a health care provider.

What Preschool Anxiety Might Look Like

Young kids with school anxiety could show a range of various symptoms. Preschoolers might talk about their fear of school and ask for repeated reassurance: "Can you stay at school with me?" "Do I have to go?" They may also complain about stomachaches or headaches, or they could throw tantrums when you're ready to leave.

How to Handle It

If your child is going to preschool, take them on a tour a few days beforehand, recommends Sucheta Connolly, MD, a child psychiatrist and director of the Pediatric Stress and Anxiety Disorders Clinic at the University of Illinois in Chicago, which treats children as young as 2. Talk openly and excitedly to your child about their upcoming new routine. If they tend to have trouble with new social situations, arrange for playdates with some new classmates before school begins.

You might also consider role-playing at home. Many children are cognitively ready for school but struggle to assert themselves socially. Use puppets, dolls, or stuffed animals to act out social situations that make them anxious, such as meeting the teacher for the first time.

When the first day comes, it's sometimes best to tell your child that you will stay for a few minutes to help them feel settled. Give them a little memento to put in their pocket that reminds them of you, so they can take it out if they feel sad. If you think the problem is serious, you might speak privately with the teacher. Many children are a bit weepy at first, but most of them cheer up in a few minutes.

School Anxiety in Elementary Students

Just when you think your child may be getting comfortable leaving you, a new anxiety sets in. What gives? Separation anxiety at school at this age can occur, even if your child has never experienced these kinds of issues in the past.

Causes of School Anxiety in Elementary Students

School anxiety in elementary students can have many different causes. For starters, the child might be stressed by the demands of the classroom. "Our society is expecting more and more from our kids at younger ages," says Dr. Connolly. "And not all of them can handle it."

Along those lines, the student may have an undiagnosed learning disability, adds Dr. Connolly. If they have difficulty with a certain subject—but the teachers aren't aware or think the student simply isn't trying—the kid can fret about school.

Other factors, including generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and social anxiety, can also make school seem scary. Children with GAD sometimes experience excessive worry about everyday things from academic performance to being away from parents. Kids with social anxiety often feel intensely scrutinized and worry that they'll do something embarrassing. Some are fearful of speaking in front of the class, while others have trouble even walking up to the blackboard.

What Elementary School Anxiety Might Look Like

Children might have physical symptoms (headaches, nausea, diarrhea, difficulty sleeping, etc.) that appear before the school day. Some will develop school refusal—a fear so intense that they can't be coaxed into the school bus or the building. If they manage to get to school, they may cry, complain of aches and pains, and may not be able to be consoled by their teacher or school staff.

It's important to note that children with school-related anxiety typically struggle every day of school. It's not usually something they have one day but not the next.

How to Handle It

Any sort of recurring physical symptom should always be checked out by a pediatrician or health care provider. If your child is physically healthy, try to explore their feelings and emotions together. Acknowledge and validate their feelings, but reiterate that negative feelings like nervousness don't mean they won't enjoy themselves. Remind them of new situations they've dealt with, such as sleeping at a relative's house for the first time without you, and how it ended up fine.

It's also important to rule out any specific issues. Ask your child and their teacher if something upsetting has happened, such as bullying or teasing. Events at home—a move, a divorce, the death of a family pet, etc.—might also be causing these negative feelings. Dealing with these issues head-on might relieve some negative symptoms.

If the school anxiety doesn't ease for several weeks, or if it affects your child's everyday life, consider having them evaluated by a mental health professional who specializes in working with kids. School anxiety is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but it may be a symptom of an anxiety disorder. Treatment usually begins with cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches relaxation and coping skills. Health care providers may also prescribe medication for severe cases. Work with an expert and your child's teacher to help your child feel more comfortable in the classroom.