What would Lou do? The following is a list of Lou Reed moves that I have used to get out of jams throughout my life.
Well, let’s say you’re in high school, and just about to get beaten up…
When the bully says, “I’m gonna kill you,” you say, “I’m gonna kiss you,” and watch your bully wrestle his inner demons.
Let’s say you’re giving a toast at a wedding, and the microphone starts to produce feedback…
Instead of turning red and trying to move the microphone, just point it in the direction of the speaker and glare at the audience.
Let’s say you’re insecure about your Jewfro…
Make it a borderline mullet, and wear eyeliner.
Let’s say you’re at the doctor’s office, and the doctor says that you don’t need a prescription…
Disregard the doctor’s advice, and go up to 125th Street and score some Zithromax.
Let’s say you have a date with a nice girl, and you have no idea how to be romantic…
Just follow the lyrics of “Perfect Day” line by line: “Drink sangria in the park … feed animals in the zoo, then later a movie, too, and then home.” And then once you’re home, try to put the moves on.
Let’s say you’re in a long-distance relationship…
Do like the song “The Gift”: mail yourself to your significant other in a package and wait for her to open it. Or, if that’s too extreme, just wait in her lobby and make small talk with the doorman so he doesn’t kick you out.
Let’s say you’re in college, and you’re taking a final exam that you’re not prepared for…
Fill up the blue book with a long poem or story about space. (Disclaimer: you will probably fail the class, which is astronomy, but for some reason the professor will put a check mark next to the story. What do you think that meant?)
Let’s say you have a limited number of clothes, and haven’t had time to do laundry…
Put a leather jacket over it, and move along.
Let’s say you have a job interview with Citi, and want to look presentable, especially because you know nothing about finance…
Wear your transition lenses, face the window, and have no idea that for the whole interview you are essentially wearing sunglasses.
Let’s say you are defensive about your work, and reluctant about sharing the spotlight…
Seek out criticism, and let others shine by giving them some of your own best material. Especially if the criticism is from Andy Warhol, and the material is sung by a six-foot German model named Nico.
Let’s say you are not a technical virtuoso at a desired skill…
Just do it confidently, sloppily, and passionately. Unless it’s making out, in which case take a few lessons.
Let’s say you’re not sure what to do with your life…
Change rock and roll forever!
(I haven’t done this one, but I played a pretty mean “Johnny B. Goode” at my bar mitzvah.)
Photograph: Michael Ochs Archives/Getty.
