Keys to Resolving Conflict

As I said in my previous post “Understanding Conflict” the key to every conflict is knowing that exclusivity, i.e. each side believing they have the exclusive and right point of view on the issue at hand and further believing that their assessment of the situation is THE truth, closes off any interest in listening to the other side. Entrenchment follows and leads to a win-lose situation.

The key to bringing both sides to the resolution table is the experience that their point of view is not benefitting them. This can be initiated by one side of the conflict or both upon the realization that some kind of resolution must be reached. This is the moment when the entrenchment is broken and each side relaxes enough to open the way for exploration and discovery.

However, this is not the end of the conflict. It is the beginning of the end with no guarantees that resolution will occur. Resolution is not an event but a process that requires working out. It is the working out that is the focus for the rest of this post.

In order to be certain that every element is delineated I’ve structured this post in what may appear to be a linear sequence but in practice the conflict resolution process is organic and spontaneous and will flow in the way it needs to. However, for maximum results, be sure to incorporate all of the elements on your way to the outcome that benefits each side individually and both sides together. In other words you reestablish the relationship in a way that is best for both sides going forward.

Elements of the Process

A mutual agreement to proceed is essential. Mutuality breaks the deadlock. The two sides come together either through their own volition or perhaps through a mediator but always because they recognize the value of moving beyond being entrenched. Although a major step, it is but a first step in the process. Without mutuality each side will usually suspect the other as maneuvering the situation for their own advantage and whatever might have been possible is considerably weakened if not closed entirely.

Understand that a conflict is never a one-way street. A conflict is a very intimate relationship in the form of antagonism and resistance. There is a distance, a gap between the sides that has been created by both. A major mistake is to assume that you are innocent and it is completely the other side’s fault. This is a childish stance. Then whatever contribution you made to the conflict cannot be revealed and so resolution is impossible. Conflict is a co-creation as is the resolution.

Humility is important. Knowing that both sides are in-it-together allows each side to soften their stance without the fear of being overwhelmed. Softening will not necessarily occur together---at the same moment. But as both sides are committed to discovering a resolution, a give-and-take action will emerge in small increments growing to an ever-widening generosity of self-revelation and mutual respect.

An effective resolution must work for both sides. It’s generally believed that compromise is the best way to settle a conflict. This is true if one or both sides is consciously or unconsciously unwilling to relent in its position. This translates into the stance that “I am innocent” and “You are guilty.” As I said, this is a childish position. True resolution requires intellectual creativity and emotional maturity because a genuine resolution cannot be reached by one side alone. A resolution that both benefits and satisfies each side must be created out of a deep understanding of the desires, fears, hopes, and objections of each side and an awareness that they need each other otherwise real fulfillment is not possible. The paradox of conflict resolution is that each side must care for its own well-being AND that of the other in order to reach a lasting resolution and that initially feels counter-intuitive.

Take turns speaking with no debate. This is known as deep listening. The reason for taking turns and respecting this constraint is to prevent argument and debate which two tactics will only draw from the past and stifle the forward movement. The point here is to understand why the other side’s point of view is so important to them. Any questions during this part of the process are used to discover more about the stance the other side brings to the exchange. A key adjustment is to assume the positive: that is the other side is acting in good faith and their beliefs and values are as important to them as yours are to you. This way a basic identification, each side with the other, creates an emotional connection. You may not know why what they believe is so important but that it IS important can allow for the possibility of respectful listening.

How is your point of view a threat to them? Just as their point of view has been a threat to you, your point of view must be a threat to them otherwise there would be no entrenchment. Look to see how your stance hurts them, confuses them, frightens them, etc.. You are looking for the emotional response at the core of their position. Whatever it is has caused them to feel unstable and in need of protection to defend themselves. The same is true for you as you search your stance at the same time and for the same reason.

The emotional distance/hurt must first be resolved. If the emotional elements are not identified and an intention from both sides is present and available to resolve them whatever possible intellectual solutions that may be offered will not provide the necessary support and healing because they do not have that power. The emotional hurt must be recognized and respected by both sides. No one is ever intellectually hurt over the misinterpretation or rejection of an idea. Even if someone’s idea is judged to be unacceptable in some way it’s the emotions that take the hit. And it’s the emotions that need to be soothed and salved. This is accomplished through understanding and compassion. Real understanding. Real compassion. And this is why it’s so important for you to be able to identify the other’s feelings and let the other know that you have a sense of what’s going on with them. Give them the details of your experience that is emotionally similar to theirs. Compassion creates connection that establishes trust and opens the way for genuine communication.

Take responsibility for your contribution to the conflict. As I said, a conflict is a co-creation. It is not a one-way street. That means both sides have contributed--- consciously or unconsciously. Therefore each side must understand and acknowledge its contribution so they don’t unwittingly keep the conflict alive. This requires the courage to be self-aware and emotionally “naked” in the presence of the other. This vulnerability is central to the trust that any resolution is intended to establish.

Be sure to seek confirmed understanding by asking if what you understand is what the other person meant. Otherwise you will fall into a version of the telephone game which leads to what had been said being woefully distorted. Be sure to leave any interaction knowing whether what you know has transpired is actually the case. So ask, “Is what I understand accurate with what you said?” Demonstrate your willingness to close the gap and bring the sides closer.

Acknowledge whatever resolution as it occurs in the process and build on each one toward an overall resolution. These are most often identified by changes in attitude and behavior. Each side has to allow for differences in articulation and must keep correcting to be sure they understand what has been said. Real change can be best measured through consistency over time and that measure is not a one-way street. Both sides must pay attention to their own changes as well as what the other is doing. Acknowledging the other is akin to witnessing the other, witnessing what is taking place at a deeper level.

Deepen the resolution by continuing to dialogue. This continues to solidify the connection and creates ongoing trust in the relationship.

Although it may sometimes be difficult and it can be tedious, if both sides are willing any conflict can reach a resolution, a mutually satisfactory and progressively beneficial re-structuring of the relationship and an ongoing co-creation of the life both sides will now consciously participate in together.

This process list is not exhaustive but what I believe and have found to be essential to the resolution of any conflict. What else would you add and why?

(Photo Credit Scott Hess, Flickr)

Jim Sniechowski, PhD and his wife Judith Sherven, PhD http://JudithandJim.com have developed a penetrating perspective on people’s resistance to success, which they call The Fear of Being Fabulous. Recognizing the power of unconscious programming to always outweigh conscious desires, they assert that no one is ever failing—they are always succeeding. The question is, at what? To learn about how this played out in the life of Whitney Houston, check out their 6 book: http://WhatReally KilledWhitneyHouston.com

Contributors to the Huffington Post and currently working as consultants on retainer to LinkedIn providing executive coaching, leadership training and consulting as well as working with private clients around the world, they continually prove that when unconscious beliefs are brought to the surface, the barriers to greater success and leadership presence begin to fade away. They call it Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous http://OvercomingtheFearofBeingFabulous.com