Is Fear of Rejection Holding You Back from Meeting the One?

“Though the just fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble from only one mishap.” (Proverbs 24:16)

No one likes to fail. It's difficult to have setbacks in life or at work. It can be stressful to have the big sale fall through or the contract on the house not pan-out. But being rejected by someone you may have fallen in love with and trusted is a completely different class challenge. Let's be honest, it's downright painful and sometimes those rejections can stick with you.

Men and women deal with this kind of rejection in different ways.

Since I am a single guy that has been rejected, I can speak from that experience. So I offer the following advice to single men.

Ladies, perhaps you might gain some insight too. Knowing how individuals of the opposite gender work might lead you to feel more compassion for the gentleman who is still carrying the baggage of a past break-up.

Several years back I was in a rather serious relationship. I already had a ring and was a few weeks away from popping the "big question." Things were going great, or so I thought, and I was dreaming of a bright future with this fine lady. One day almost out of the blue, she broke up with me and I was crushed.

My heart has never been in such anguish as when that relationship ended. I was so crushed that my two best friends drove over an hour on a work night to my house, just so I wouldn’t be alone.

I received a big time “no” and found myself at a crossroad. I could wallow in my misery and feel sorry for myself (which I actually did for a short time) or I could ask myself why I got rejected and see this as an opportunity to look for ways to improve myself.

Revitalize after rejection 

With the help of divine grace, I ultimately chose the latter of the two options and I’m a better person today for being rejected.

I look back at that trying time and thank God for the lesson I learned: don’t fear rejection, don’t simply endure rejection, but actually go for the “no.” Turn lemons into lemonade.

Some of the best lessons are learned from failure.

This concept of “going for the no” is a radical change from what every motivational speaker and self-help guru preaches. Salesmen and dating coaches alike tell us to go for the yes.

“Yes,” they say, “is the most empowering word.” But what if all these guys were wrong? What if “no” gets the most success?

Sometimes 'No' helps us to find our 'Yes'

Christianity is a religion of paradoxes. When you give, you receive. When you die to self, you find life.

God is a loving father who draws us closer to His loving heart with both yeses and nos. What if seeking the "no" gives you a "yes."

The Good Friday liturgy is our greatest teacher for understanding and accepting rejection.

“O happy fault that merited such a redeemer” the choir sings. If God was not rejected by our first parents in the garden, we would not have had such a resounding yes of Christ on the cross. The liturgy continues to instruct us about rejection when the choir sings the Good Friday Reproaches.

O my people, what have I done to you?

How have I offended you? Answer me!

For I brought you out of the land of Egypt,

but you brought out a cross for your Savior.

I scourged the first-born of Egypt for your sake:

yet you scourged me and handed me over.

I parted the sea before you:

yet you parted my side with a lance.

I rained down manna for you in the desert:

yet you rained down blows and lashes on me.

O my people, what have I done to you?

How have I offended you? Answer me!

Amidst all this rejection, what was God’s response?

He kept offering Himself. He kept seeking after His chosen people. God shed His blood and suffered the ultimate rejection on the cross but from the cross and rejection came the Church, the Bride of Christ, and the greatest yes!

Finding love online

For a gentleman who believes that he is called to marriage, the online dating scene can be difficult. How many messages do you send without a response? How many smiley faces aren’t reciprocated with even a frown? It can be definitely frustrating. I know because I’m doing it.

Rejection can be tough. But when you are rejected, you must ask yourself the all important “why?” Sure, it might be because you aren't compatible with that person, but maybe it is something that needs to be healed or transformed in your own life. Rejection is an opportunity for self reflection. What about my profile is unattractive? How can I put myself out there more? How can I be more like Christ?

When I suffered that bad break up a few years back, these were the questions I asked myself. God gives us the freedom to choose and the “no” set me on a course for self improvement. And today with each rejection I get, I still ask myself “why did that person reject me?” or “why did that date go so badly?”

I try to identify that area where I can improve myself, follow God’s will more closely, and gain virtue.

What lesson is God teaching me in the “no”?

After a lot of no's, I finally got a yes from a very sweet girl on the other coast. There are 3,000 miles between us. Perhaps this might turn into another “no.” But, I know I am a better person for sparking up a conversation with her. But what if it turns into an “I do”? All of the previous relationships and failures and rejections will be forgotten.

Ultimately what I am saying is you have to put yourself out there and make an effort to contact someone new online every week. I'm not saying you won't be rejected, but instead of seeing those brush-offs as a barrier, look at them as opportunities for virtue.

If God is calling you to marriage, He will reward you for your persistence. Eventually some beautiful and virtuous lady will say yes to you and you will have gained both virtue and a wife!