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Ten Ways For Parents Not To Behave During The College Process, Part II

This article is more than 7 years old.

In my last post I listed five of ten ways parents sometimes act that can seriously derail the relationship with their child's college counselor. In this entry I list five more. And in my next I'll outline some positive parental types to give you some good models of how to work with college counselors.

A commenter yesterday wistfully reminded me that it's easy for me to list these stereotypes since I'm not currently connected to a school, which is true. The same commenter, however, experienced a catharsis of sorts as she read my list. As school employees, counselors often need to grit their teeth and do their best to serve families even when they create obstacles for themselves or are personally reprehensible in their relations. And most unfortunately, principals often do not or will not support a counselor's professional decisions in the face of parental complaints.

I'm not talking about complaints about getting things sent on time or other glitches, but about when parents refuse to follow counselors' professional advice, consider that a college list doesn't sufficiently stroke their egos, play to a student's inflated sense of self or other things that come from a counselor's professional judgment.

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I last worked institutionally at a high school with a highly privileged population both in terms of parental income and educational attainment. Many were prominent, even nationally known, in their fields and often felt they knew more about college admission than I did because they were attorneys, corporate leaders or physicists. I was often confronted by imperiousness and ignorance masquerading as knowledge, which rankled. I tried, with less and less success over the years, to accommodate these attitudes. One day, in a fairly contentious meeting, the school head told me, "You need to be more conciliatory with parents. You provide a service, you know." "Yes," I said. "But I'm not a servant."

With that in mind, here are five more types of parents you do not want to be as you begin to establish a relationship with your high school's college counselor . I'm sure my colleagues could provide many more examples, and I'd be happy to feature them (anonymously if requested) in a future entry. My main goal is to encourage some parental self-reflection, aiming toward a positive parent-student-counselor relationship.

The Invisibles: These parents feel they don't need to come to parent nights or meet with the counselor or do anything at all. They don't respond to emails or phone calls, and never register on any online college counseling platforms designed to make communication easier. They forget to provide their students with necessary family information or weigh in on topics essential to their child's college process. Sometimes they'll call after a parent night to ask for a personalized complete runthrough of what they missed. ("I'll send you the packet!" would be my response.) One mother told me about her son, "You'll have to run after him to get him to fill out his applications!" "I don't do that," was my response. (I didn't have to, as it turned out.) But the crowning insult comes when a deadline is missed or a form isn't completed, and they furiously demand to know why you, the college counselor, hadn't informed them about it. No detailing of the emails, notices, and calls about the issues makes a difference. It's your fault, Mr./Ms. Counselor!

The Overdoers: Unlike the Invisibles, these parents are constantly in the college office, doing research for their children, filling out forms for them and bubbling on about how "we" are so excited to be applying to Mainstream State. They sign their students up for colleges haphazardly, relying mostly on name recognition, and they pester assistants to fax things or send attachments for their kids. Each family meeting consists of reams of parental notes and questions, while the student sits quietly and uncomfortably as the avalanche of excitement overwhelms "us." As applications become more urgent, they type out their students' forms and essays, taking care of getting things sent online or in the mail, and are basically applying to college themselves. I've had students  surprised at acceptances or rejections from colleges they hadn't even realized they'd applied to.

The Insecure: For these parents it's not just about having their child go to college, it's about attending one that will soothe their status anxieties and fear of parental failure or justify the cost of all the things they've done for their offspring, including, summer camps, violin lessons, and paying private school tuition. I've mentioned the parent who was certain that if her C-student son didn't get into Harvard, he'd be a bum. (Update: He did not go to Harvard, and he is not a bum.) No middle ground there. Or the parent who hissed in my face when I showed him his son's dismal grades that would definitively keep him out of even the least competitive institutions. "I don't know who to blame, you or the school!" was his response. Often, after meeting with a student and preparing a preliminary list of colleges to explore (not even to apply to, just to consider based on stated interests,  grades and scores), a parent will crease his brow and ask, "Why didn't you include Penn or Cornell? Why didn't you list Amherst? Isn't she good enough?"  It can take some diplomacy to convince him that the list says nothing about his student's selfhood, but a lot about her interests and desires.

The Hostile: Some parents just start out with a huge log on their shoulders when it comes to college counseling. In an age of so much information, some reliable and a great deal not, they may come to the process the way they might confront a car salesman who they know is trying to sell them undercoating they don't need. Their suspicions have been aroused about how unfair the system is (i.e., their child is not in a "favored" category), how there are "backdoors" to Ivy League admission and how a counselor can't really help. Questions are pointed: "How long have you been doing this? Who do you know at Stanford? How many campuses have you visited? What do you know about my kid? I heard only two students got into Dartmouth from here last year. What happened?" It takes a lot of patience and listening for what's under the surface to work with these parents. Perhaps an earlier bad experience with an older child has disillusioned them; perhaps they are high-powered attorneys who naturally go for the throat.

The Sneaks: To all appearances, these parents are ideal. They attend parent nights, come to individual meetings, and nod seriously when discussing their children's college choices. All the time, however, they are following the advice of an outside source without telling the counselor. That person may or may not be expert, but often that advice contrasts with the school counselor's. By not revealing this connection the whole student/counselor relationship is compromised. When it is discovered (as it usually is), the school counselor is left responsible for following the family's wishes without having been truly involved in them. Should something go wrong, though, the school counselor is left holding the bag. Experienced counselors can often detect when this happens: A former colleague at a private school in Louisiana knew when his students were getting outside help because one particular person gave each student exactly the same college list. That person also insisted that the SAT was "easier" in Texas than in Louisiana. She even convinced one credulous student to drive to Houston from Baton Rouge to take it despite my colleague's entreaties and a letter from the College Board president stating categorically that the test was the same difficulty everywhere.

That completes my bestiary of difficult parental species, although I'm sure my counseling colleagues can name many more. I'd be happy to add them if you contact me here.

If as a parent you see yourself in any of these brief profiles, I hope you'll consider that working together with your child's college counselor, being open and honest (especially if you're using an outside source as well) and putting aside assumptions or rumors can vastly improve the experience for everyone. Remember, your school's college counselor is your ally, not a gatekeeper or enemy. It's his or her job to give you the facts, including likelihoods of admission, no matter how dismal the prospect might be. We actually like your kids and wish the best for them now and in the future. It's in parents' own best interest to listen, ask questions and make informed decisions with their student.

Next entry, I'll offer some tips on creating a college counseling alliance that supports your young adult during the whole college admission process. I invite your comments and questions in the meantime.

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