Modern Love is not an advice column, but the stories frequently offer lessons in how to navigate relationships. After all, our most popular essay ever, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” taught readers how they could increase their chances of falling in love by asking 36 questions of a stranger, and our second most popular, “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage,” explained how to improve a spouse’s behavior by using exotic animal-training techniques.
This year’s most-read essays also offer strategies for improving romantic and platonic relationships, such as fighting well in marriage and minimizing the physical pain of a broken heart. Here are a few sage pieces of advice.
Photo
Credit
Brian Rea
1.
Skip small talk.
In getting to know someone, don’t waste too many words (or precious hours of your life) asking dull questions about commuting times or the weather. As Tim Boomer suggests, dive deep from the start with big questions, such as “What work are you most passionate about?” and “What’s the most in love you’ve ever felt?”
2.
Don’t be afraid to fight in your marriage, or to fight for it.
Too much fighting can lead to divorce, but it turns out too little fighting can also split you up. Laura Pritchett and her husband thought love was all about peace and harmony, so they tried to avoid conflict entirely. “But that kind of love often doesn’t survive life,” she realized, “and in the end, our silence was less about respect or affection or love than it was about cowardice.”
And make sure they really do know, before it’s too late. James Pehna was in his 60s before he came out as gay to his mother. He had always avoided the subject, assuming his parents had figured it out during his decades of visits with his boyfriend. They hadn’t. “We never knew,” his elderly mother told him one week before she died. “How did this happen?”
And love does not require sex. Ephi Stempler, who is gay, has been in a platonic relationship with a woman for 17 years. They even joked about marrying each other if neither found a husband by age 40. At 41, they moved in together, leaving Ephi to wonder if what they have is “maybe the closest approximation of real love either of us will ever experience.”
5.
Get married, and stay married, out of want, not need.
Who needs men? Who needs marriage? After divorcing twice, Karen Rinaldi found herself questioning the whole concept of “need” in a relationship, resolving never to marry again. Then she married again — a union that has lasted for 20-plus years. “I don’t need him,” she said, “but I want him in my life. He doesn’t protect me from others, only from my worst instincts.”
6.
If a man uses a sandwich for his online dating headshot, steer clear.
Even if the sandwich looks mouth-wateringly delicious. Even if that sandwich makes witty bread puns and asks you to be his “bay-gal.” Also, avoid a man who wears clip-in bike shoes to your first date, making him sound like a horse as he clippety-clops across the restaurant’s wood floor.
7.
Try treating heartache as you would a headache.
When the neuroscience student Melissa Hill was dumped, she knew that chemicals in her brain were making her feel as if she were suffering through withdrawal from drug addiction. That is when she discovered research suggesting that acetaminophen can help ease the physical pain of heartbreak. (But regardless of how horrible you feel, be sure to follow dosage guidelines. The risks of acetaminophen overdose are real.)
If someone has put you in the Friend Zone and you want the relationship to be more, don’t assume the person will magically figure out your feelings. In an age where many people are content to let relationships remain undefined for months or even years, it’s up to you to define them. So be brave and say what you want. True, you may lose the friendship (or whatever it was) by doing so, but emotional clarity can be its own reward.
9.
When sharing cabs with strange men, keep your shoes on.
An offer of an innocent-sounding foot massage could lead, as Julia Anne Miller discovered, to him asking for permission to suck your toes. Then again, if you believe, as Julia did, in nurturing people’s dreams, no matter how small or odd, saying yes is also an option.
