One Strategy for Workplace Success: Meet Others Where They Are

Over the years, I've talked to countless individuals concerning their work. These discussions have covered an enormous amount of turf; roles, responsibilities, stress, success, failure, authority (or the lack thereof) — and of course, the landscape of workplace relationships. I've never attempted to quantify this, but it seems that nothing stops someone in their tracks more completely, than a relationship with a supervisor or colleague that isn't going well.

It can serve as a disturbing blow that puts an insidious strain on our work lives.

What is salient about all of these situations though, is how we can become quickly entrenched in our own perspective. This is unintended — and I'm certain this doesn't occur because we are stubborn or aggressive (although in some situations that is ultimately how we are viewed).

We simply fail to see all sides of the story.

In many cases, we might be unaware of how our actions are viewed — or how a message has been taken. In a sense, we are held captive by our own "spin". This can lead to a serious stalemate, so to speak, relationship-wise.

One method to limit this bias is to "meet people where they are" in their work life journey, which involves setting ourselves in the individual's place and looking around to see what they may be seeing. I have found this can often be a key to address the "gridlock" that occurs when a workplace relationship becomes stressed. In a sense, we "flip the lens" and take a look at the other side of the road. When we take in this new perspective, we can often gain understanding into the root of the issue.

Living the other individual's journey, for just a moment — can change the outcome of the relationship's story.

Let me offer one illustration. I recently had a conversation with a young sales manager about a workplace relationship that was troubling him (let's call my client Ben). Ben was experiencing a problem with a former co-worker (Beth), who had recently been promoted to a sales management position. Although reporting relationships had shifted slightly, they remained linked through collaborative activities related to specific projects.

They were adjusting to a very different type of relationship — however, over brief period of time, the relationship became strained and distant. At an off-site event, Beth seemed to be purposely avoiding Ben. When they found themselves in the same group, she engaged in mono-syllabic conversations and exited the conversation quickly. Ben found her behavior difficult to explain. Pondering possible explanations was becoming bothersome. Did she feel that Ben was no longer a useful part of her new work life? Ben felt the need to sort out the issue.

I posed the following question to Ben: Why would her behavior occur? To support this question, we explored how their relationship might look from Beth's perspective. We then discussed a customer report compiled by Ben. He explained that with so many equally deserving tasks to fulfill, he deemed these reports of low priority. As such, he didn't always have the time, or inclination, to produce them. But, as he reflected that Beth had begun to press him for the documents. He shared with me that he resented this.

As we further discussed Beth's perspective, Ben realized that it was possible that she relied upon the reports. In fact, the reports could possibly have been necessary to stay in good steed with her new superiors. Her behavior at the conference might have reflected "pulling back", because a level of distrust had developed between them — and this really had nothing to do with Ben's lack of value. In fact, what was actually occurring, was the direct opposite to that view. On another level, a key issue emerged — a very faint feeling of jealousy concerning the promotion itself. Ben, began to realize that he might want to venture into management. (This was something he had never considered previously, as he was quite happy within his current role).

To help mend the rift, we decided it was best that Ben meet his former colleague where she was on her journey, as a newly appointed manager trying to succeed — and consider why he was so hesitant to help her. Further discussions revealed that Ben also had difficulty relating to Beth, as he viewed her as quite dissimilar in both personality and work style.

Ben recognized the dynamic which had developed and immediately reconsidered his actions going forward. (It was unclear why Beth had not yet explored the problems she was having with Ben.) None the less, he vowed to reach out to Beth and schedule a long needed conversation.

Overall, as he considered the perspective of the other individual, he viewed the situation in a very different light. In turn, he learned than a few things about himself along the way.

A few points to consider:

• Shift your perspective. If you are perplexed by problems with a workplace relationship, take a moment to put yourself in the other individual's place. What do you see? How might your actions and words be viewed by them within that context?
  
• Embrace differences. Try to understand and respect differences in work style and personality. Even if you do not fully understand an individual's core or their motivation, make a commitment to see situations as they might see them. If there is doubt, open communication channels.
• Examine "push back". If you seem to have strong negative feelings for someone, examine the reasons behind it. How long has this been occurring? What event(s) contributed to your feelings? Attempt to pinpoint the root of the issue.
• Review messages. Although we strive to be effective communicators — there remain situations where our intended message becomes "derailed" in some way. If you suspect that something is "off" in a relationship, review exchanges with them. Could it be possible that your actions or messages have been misunderstood?
• Review what has worked. Consider the positive workplace relationships that you have developed over the years, as a guide. What is missing from the troubled relationship? How could these deficits be addressed?
• Mend relationships. Our work lives intersect in interesting ways. Building allies is always a crucial step — so mend fences, if at all possible. Exploring experiences from another person's vantage point, can help build help us to build lasting relationships and open doors down the line.

Have you ever been baffled by a workplace relationship? How did you resolve the situation?

Dr. Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist. She also writes The Office Blend.

Photo: Songquan Deng/Shutterstock.com