The Only Beer Bucket List That Matters
Everybody loves a good bucket list (except film critics, who hated that whimsical Morgan Freeman vehicle). But the thing is, bucket lists are always so ambitious. Climb to the top of this. Read that. Make amends with so-and-so illegitimate child you didn't know you had. They're exhausting.
The same goes for beer bucket lists. There's always some schmo (sometimes it's me!) suggesting you travel the globe, searching for rare and delicious beers. If you're into that, by all means: I'm sure you and Jack Nicholson will have a great time, and that neither of you will die at the end (spoiler alert!). But this isn't one of those lists. This is the bucket list for the beer lovers who don't want to put a ton of effort into trivial life goals. It's short and imperfect and easy, because enjoying beer should never be difficult.
Share a beer while receiving sage-like advice from a person twice your age
They're buying. You're listening. And this advice will stay with you for your entire life.
Share a beer while giving sage-like advice to a person twice your junior
You're buying. They're listening. And it's that same weird bullshit that old man said to you in this same bar 50 years ago.
Drink on a boat while listening to Hall & Oates
Scientific fact, when combined with deck shoes, a cool breeze, and a red cup full of cheap beer, "Sara Smile" is the greatest goddamned song ever written, with respect to "She's Like the Wind" and "The Rainbow Connection." Even if you hate yacht rock.
Try to homebrew, but then give up and buy a rack of the cheap stuff
You can always put lime in it and say you made a fruit beer.
Complain about overpaying for a stadium beer
While waiting in line to purchase your third, probably.
Shotgun a tallboy
Because any scrub can do it with a regularboy.
Have a talk with your favorite brewer
Preferably not one explaining why you were drinking straight from the tank.
Buy somebody a beer on their 21st birthday
Their first beer ever, naturally!
Get the high score on Photo Hunt
And not the one with puppies. The one with the dongs.
Order a beer in another language
A cerveza in Mexico, perhaps. Or a Foster's in Australia.
Launch a bottle rocket out of a bottle you yourself emptied
Patriotism is a thirsty business.
Spill all over a karaoke stage
Bonus points if it's during "Sara Smile."
Close down your favorite bar
Leave with the bartender and find someplace that's open.
Buy a round for everybody at the bar
Pray it's $2 tallboy time. And that everybody at the bar consists of you and the bartender.
Lug a 30-pack deep into the woods during a camping trip
Immediately regret not bringing more the next morning, despite the searing lower-back pain.
Drink a sampler of every single beer in your favorite taproom
Cocked eyebrow and quizzical expression with each sip optional
Invent your own drinking game, and actually get people to play it
Make it stupid. But make clear rules. Because nobody wants to play handless flip cup if there's no structure, dammit.
Drink a green beer
Probably on St. Pat's, but if it's any other day, you're either doing something incredibly right, or incredibly dangerous.
Learn at least one signature recipe that involves beer
Maybe it's a marinade. Maybe it's bread. Or maybe it's an excuse to crack a beer at 9am as you prepare your famous "poorly cooked eggs."
Float a river with a cooler tied up next to you
Yachts are for Hall & Oates wannabes. Tubes are the great equalizer, and the best way to enjoy the great outdoors without doing a damn thing.
Hit a bullseye on a dartboard in a dark bar
Yes, it counts if nobody saw. And if it took you all night to do it.
Learn a go-to party trick involving beer cans
Maybe it's aluminum origami. Maybe it's opening it with your teeth. But once you do it, you have to repeat it in every social situation you can. It's your duty.
Shoot a beer can or bottle
Yes, a BB gun counts. So does a Nerf gun, as long as the thing falls over.
Stop caring what other people think about your tastes
Your conversations will be more pleasant. And so will you. Because you'll be drinking whatever you love instead of pretending to enjoy the subtle nuances of the parsnip-infused experimental sour beer you're used to choking down to look smart.
Resign as a detective, only to be haunted by the details of the one case you never solved, which led you to later reunite with your estranged partner while contemplating the circular nature of existence itself, all while subsisting on a steady diet of Lone Stars and cigarettes
Just once.
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