Home Alone for the Holidays During the Pandemic

Staying connected is challenging, but not impossible during the pandemic.

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Holidays are always a busy time for therapists. The Christmas season is a particularly emotional time of year, and many people are feeling unprepared and overwhelmed especially amidst a global pandemic. Some are dreading spending time with certain family members, and others are wishing they had family members to spend time with at all. But there are those even with the biggest families and circles of friends who will be forced into solitude because of COVID-19, and it’s those people who may need the most guidance this year.

I've helped a number of people plan for a solitary Christmas or New Year's Eve over the years, but never have I started planning so early in the year—or with such a high number of patients. Due to the pandemic, more of us than ever before will likely not be able to make it home for the holidays or spend time with those we love.

In the past, I've mostly worked with people who have been forced to spend the holidays alone by circumstances beyond their control. But in this COVID-19 climate, I find that many are struggling because they simply don’t feel safe traveling or being in a group gathering (recent research has been telling us that there has been a substantial transmission of COVID-19 at smaller in-home gatherings in particular). The pressure and guilt associated with choosing not to participate in a family event can be very difficult; it’s hard to tell your family you won’t be there even though a big part of you really wishes you could. And with this comes self-doubt, and questions about whether you should ignore the threat of getting sick.

Preparation is key. I help my patients practice what they are going to say before they RSVP “no," and even practice responses to the inevitable push-back. Here are a few examples:

• I’m not looking forward to being alone over Christmas, but I know I’ll feel worse if someone gets sick.
• I want to see you all, too, but it’s just not safe this year.
• I know you think that COVID isn’t worse than the flu, but I have a different opinion and I need you to respect my caution around this issue.

On the flip-side, it can also be difficult if you are a single person wanting to "bubble" with your family or friends but have been told you can’t be included. Perhaps you are a school teacher or healthcare worker and are perceived as a higher risk. These types of professions will be more vulnerable to rejection and don’t have much choice but to accept the decision of loved ones.

Whatever has led you to spend the holidays alone, it's important to have a plan in place to take care of yourself emotionally. Here are a few suggestions that have been helpful to my patients in the past—and a few ideas that are new, thanks to the pandemic:

• Create a list of loved ones to call or video chat with over the holidays and set dates and times with them. Be direct about your need for distraction and to feel connected because you are feeling down about spending the holidays alone.
• Focus on helping others. Look for organizations in your community that have safe volunteer opportunities. Deliver meals to seniors or hampers to families in need. Perhaps chat with someone who is also spending the holidays alone. Helping others is one of the best ways to improve your own mood and share some real holiday spirit.
• Check your thoughts. It's easy to make a bad situation worse with your thinking. Instead of thinking, "This is terrible," or, "I can't cope," try talking to yourself like your own best friend. When talking to a friend we might say something like, "It's just another day, you can do it," or "You can cope with this. You've handled much tougher situations than this." Remember, supportive and encouraging self-talk is important in situations like this.
• Pamper and distract yourself. Have a nice bath. Read a good book. Save up some feel-good movies and shows to binge on and take your mind off things for a while. When you're by yourself, you can indulge in any (safe) guilty pleasure you like and not have to accommodate anybody else's preferences. So, prepare with a few fun things and enjoy!
• Use social media wisely. Looking at other people's happy holiday photos can bring you down at the best of times. However, the upside of social media is being able to connect with friends who are far away. If you can take the good and ignore the bad, then, by all means, use social media to feel less alone over the holidays.
• Go outside. Go for a walk. Get some fresh air and exercise. Find some way to connect with nature, if possible. Being near trees and water help refresh and restore us and are an important part of keeping your balance during challenging times.
• Remember—it's just another day. It can help to remind yourself that December 23 is no different than December 25. The day will pass and life will carry on. Maybe you'll even be proud of yourself for getting through the holidays by yourself.

It may not be your choice, but it can be okay to be alone over the holidays. A therapist can also be helpful in mapping out your particular coping plan. We do tend to book up quickly over the holidays (another sign that you are not the only one struggling) so it's better to schedule your appointments sooner rather than later. Even if you can't or don't need to get the support of a therapist, trust that you'll be able to cope. Who knows? You might even learn to enjoy a quiet and contemplative holiday season.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.