Checklists for Parents of College Students

By Lisa Belkin

Among the emails responding to my post about sending your son to college were two lists.

The first is from Houston Dougharty, vice-president for Student Affairs at Grinnell College, who has spent much of his 24-year career advising parents on how to prepare their children (and themselves) for this new chapter.

There are five things you must talk about before your kids leave (or shortly thereafter, if you read this and feel the need to play catch up…) he writes:

What’s the communication plan? Given the many easy ways we can communicate these days (cell phone, texting, Twitter, e-mail, etc.), students and their parents should agree on how –- and how often –- they will communicate during the school year. Determining this in advance can help keep parents informed and connected, while fostering the student’s sense of independence –- a critical step in the early days of a new college experience.

Who sees the grades? College students’ records are protected by the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA). It restricts institutions from releasing grades and other educational records without a student’s written permission. Students and parents should discuss what level of disclosure is mutually expected and acceptable, as well as what campus policies address this matter and what releases may need to be signed.

What about sex, drugs and alcohol? Many students have experimented with these while in high school, but for some, there will be new temptations. Fortunately, this generation of students tends to be open to advice and feedback from their parents about these critical issues. Success in the first year of college is often linked to a student’s capacity to make good social choices.

How to manage all this time and freedom? Few high school seniors have had to be fully responsible for waking up, getting to meals, scheduling study and work and creating their own curfew. Good habits for using tools like alarm clocks, day-planners and calendars don’t come naturally. Also, when the winter holiday break brings students back home for a few weeks, do the old high school years’ rules still apply?

Whose experience is this, really? Families need to have a plan for taking advantage of campus information and resources so that parents are confident their children are enjoying a positive learning environment while allowing them to create their own college experiences and advocate for themselves.

The second is from Kiplinger.com, and includes “Ten Things College Students Don’t Need.” You can read the complete list here. It includes:

New textbooks. To avoid paying unfathomable new-book prices, see whether your university offers a rental program — such services are most often available for the school’s core-curriculum and prerequisite classes. Or rent from a Web site such as Chegg.com, where you can save up to 85%. Order the book for a one-time fee — for example, about $60 plus shipping for a $180 calculus book — keep it for a semester, then return it with free shipping, or you could buy it. (Chegg even plants a tree for every book you rent.)

You could also head to the used-book lot. BigWords.com searches the Web for the best prices on used textbooks. Always search for a book using its ISBN number — not just the title — to make sure you’re getting the right book and the right edition. Also check with professors about peripheral materials that come packaged with textbooks, which used books may be missing.

Printer. Here’s what you can save by skipping this unnecessary item: about $50 for a printer, $30 for replacement ink and $9 for a pack of paper. For about $10, your child could buy a flash drive instead, save his 20-page term paper on it and print the paper in the campus computer lab, which you may already be paying for. Some schools include a technology fee in room and board costs — $100 per semester in some cases.

Cable TV. These days, you don’t have to foot a hefty cable bill when your child can catch the latest movies and TV shows online. Hulu.com, Veoh.com and Fancast.com let you download current TV shows for free. The movies offered on these sites are slightly old, but you can get a Netflix DVD-rental subscription for as little as $5 a month. For $9 a month, you get unlimited DVD rentals, plus on-demand streaming to your computer or TV through a Web-enabled device, such as an Xbox 360 or a TiVo HD.

A credit card. The average freshman amassed more than $2,000 in credit-card debt during the 2007-08 academic year. Starting in February 2010, Uncle Sam will try to help rein in that first-year frivolity with stricter credit-card rules: Anyone younger than 21 will need to prove his or her ability to repay any debts or have a parent (or someone else 21 or older) co-sign card applications.

Before the new rules kick in, help your student stay in the black by telling him not to get a credit card until he’s proven that he’s responsible with his money. Talk with him about finances and get him started using a debit card.

Big meal plan. Brain food is important, but avoid loading up your child’s meal account with enough money to feed the football team by researching the campus rules carefully. Each university has its own meal plan, whether set up for a certain number of meals per day or a certain amount of money per semester. Often, the money does not roll over from year to year — if you don’t use the money, you lose it. Best to start low and see how much your student uses. Many colleges will give you the opportunity to replenish the meal plan midyear.

You could also supplement your kid’s meal plan with gift cards to the local grocery (or the local pizza joint). Or you can buy gift cards at GiftCertificates.com.

What else should you be talking to your children about before they leave? What else don’t they need?

Comments are no longer being accepted.

Bernadette August 27, 2009 · 5:13 pm

Maybe having a regular weekly phone date so that you can know during the week, that even if you can’t get in touch, you’ll have that regular meet up.

Remember that if its worth having, its worth asking for. If you need a class switched or an extra day for an assignment or even an extra bun with your meal – ask for it. Ask kindly and confidently. The worst they can say is no.

Love the ones you’re with. WIth all the technology that allows for constant communication, often the communication with the ones right in front of you get lost. If you are with your friends, be with your friends. If you are checking out at the library, be present to the person helping you.

Learn to take naps. If you don’t have this skill, learn it. It’ll save your life.

//www.bernadettenoll.blogspot.com
//www.slowfamilyliving.com

Janet August 27, 2009 · 5:19 pm

I agree with Houston Dougharty that one of the key things when we’re sending our kids off to college is to give them easy ways to communicate. Unfortunately, I’m a single mom who has to pinch every penny so I had to find a thrifty way of allowing my daughter to keep in touch. It won’t help her to keep up with the crowd, meaning it’s not something trendy like an I phone, but it serves its purpose – communication. I got her a Net10 prepaid phone and for those inclined to skin up their noses at that not so trendy choice I’ll defend it right now by saying Net10 was recently rated #1 in consumer satisfaction by J.D. Power in a recent survey. Also, my daughter has her computer for e-mails. With the economy the way it is, first year at college is a daunting prospect for parents like me. How my daughter is going to “manage all that time and freedom” almost becomes a secondary concern. I just have to trust her good upbringing will pay off.

Vicki August 27, 2009 · 6:41 pm

These are both great lists!

I’d add another list – of life skills to discuss with your freshman before he/she heads off.
1. Know how to do laundry.
2. Know how to cook a few simple items.
3. Know a little about good nutrition.
4. Know how to balance a checkbook.
5. Know the advantages – and dangers – of credit cards.
6. Know hot to manage a simple budget.
7. Know hot to use e-mail in a professional manner.
8. Know how to manage time efficiently.

And perhaps one more short list – three most important keys to success.
1. Attend class
2. Manage time carefully
3. Get involved on campus.

http:www.collegeparentcentral.com

Lynne Marie August 27, 2009 · 6:56 pm

College-bound students need realistic violence prevention skills. Personal safety experts Ellen Snortland and Gavin de Becker wrote an outstanding essay on this topic at the Huffington Post in June:

(//www.huffingtonpost.com/ellen-snortland-and-gavin-de-becker/rites-of-spring_b_210154.html)

Women and girls seeking holistic, feminist self defense training can visit the National Women’s Martial Arts Federation (www.nwmaf.org) to locate certified instructors in their local area.

Jackie August 27, 2009 · 7:07 pm

Under things a student absolutely needs:

***Some sort of backup system for their computer files***

External hard drives are pretty cheap now and there are just too many ways to lose data — theft, personal error, losing your laptop, losing your flash drive, your hard drive becoming corrupted by a virus, to name a few.

And you just KNOW this is going to happen right before the big paper is due!! :)

Cordelia August 27, 2009 · 7:20 pm

SAFETY! I was nearly killed by a fellow student who stalked me for a semester and I could get no help from the administration or the head of the dormitory that I and the other student lived in.
I knew several women students who were raped at campus parties or in their dorms. Students need to be advised that if something “unsafe” seems to be happening to them, they might be much better off to phone the police (911) to come to their dorm room for help or to file a report with the police about a developing problem, rather than expect dormitory advisers or dormitory administrators (both of whom may be more likely to act to protect the school from liability rather than protect a student in trouble) to be truly helpful. Nobody wants to have to think about this but almost all schools have some level of student
on student violence and you should explain to your child what to do if they feel threatened or as if they are in a deteriorating situation. Most parents avoid
such discussions. I sure wish my parents had told me to call the police if someone was stalking me. The administration of the school I attended ignored or minimized the situation I was in until I was nearly murdered one night by the student stalker in my dormitory. Then, the school’s chief concern was not for MY welfare but to make sure I was not going to sue them. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN, especially your DAUGHTERS, not just about off-campus strangers but about the possibility of being harmed by a troubled student in their vicinity. Help them to develop a strategy if they are bothered by someone they are not interested in, if a relationship takes an unpleasant or frightening turn, if they are at a party that suddenly seems out of control or if they find themselves frequently dealing with someone they feel is being too familiar or sexual with them or in any other way not respecting their space and autonomy or who is making them feel unsafe. Students, especially women, are often more concerned about being “liked” and being considered “nice” than they are about their own safety. Let them know that their safety comes before anything else.
It’s important to let your child know that if they believe or sense that they are facing a situation where they may be the victim of a crime at the hands of another member of the campus community that it’s okay and probably preferable to try to contact the city police than to rely on campus security guards or campus police to handle potentially violent situations.
Also explain to them that often phoning 911 on a cell phone may not provide the emergency worker on the other end of the phone with their location and that they should state who they are, where they are and
what is happening to them or in the area. Both male and female students should be told NOT to be embarrassed to leave parties or other gatherings where they feel uncomfortable, people have had far too much to drink, are using drugs, or the situation seems in any way like it could become something they cannot handle. It’s much better to be a bit embarrassed than to be raped or beaten up. They should listen to any instincts that tell them they are not in a place that is safe or that they are with other students who do not seem to be trustworthy, sober or safe companions. Female students cannot hear this enough.

Ben Leis August 27, 2009 · 7:30 pm

Great planning tips. Tons of other great news and information for new college parents at //www.thecampusbuzz.com

NB, Stanford 07 August 27, 2009 · 7:36 pm

Big yes to external hard drive or other back up system. I definitely lost a paper in college before getting one. And a big yes to small meal plan. Dining hall food gets old really fast. You want to have the ability and money to go out for food every once and a while. Plus, you are not up for breakfast.

Becca August 27, 2009 · 7:42 pm

College students don’t need a relationship back home or at another college (or, god, forbid) at the same college. I want through 3 1/2 years of college with a long distance boyfriend I thought I was going to marry. i became a different person at college and it didn’t last. And now I look back and see so much of what I missed because I was traveling to visit him or didn’t accept dates that might have been fun or interesting, and didn’t study abroad because I would miss him…college is all about opportunity and becoming a self-determining person, it’s best not to have ties to the “old life.” So, as gently as possibly, parents should make those suggestions or at least plant those seeds of thought.

Andrea August 27, 2009 · 8:57 pm

By and large I agree with these two lists; very helpful. I don’t agree, though, with the concept of renting textbooks (or forgoing them entirely, which many students today think they can do). Call me old fashioned, but I think an educated individual should not try to jump through every hoop possible in order to avoid buying books. Yes, books are expensive but so are the dorm-sized refrigerators, video game systems, iphones, etc. that today’s students seem to see as necessities. I used to be outraged that students would sell their books back to the bookstore at the end of the semester. Now that seems quaint compared to the increasing number of students who never buy the books for a course to begin with.

Heather August 27, 2009 · 9:35 pm

I disagree with the exhortation not to buy a printer. Though many of my writing students are convinced that they should be able to submit everything via e-mail, they had to turn in hard copies of their work on a regular basis.

So much of that work was done at the verylastminute. I can’t see the student taking that thumb drive across campus to the computing center, any more than I see them leaving enough time to proofread.

Parents, PLEASE teach your students to proofread, or to find the location of the writing center that will help them. Failing that, warn them that, in the real world, intention does not equal outcome (and grades follow.)

PNW Mama August 28, 2009 · 2:26 am

When you wrote “Few high school seniors have had to be fully responsible for waking up, getting to meals, scheduling study and work and creating their own curfew” – do you really mean that?

It’s been bothering me all day, because my vision of parenting is exactly that: making sure that my children are responsible for themselves and their job (learning & study). School, and high-level skills, have always seemed to me to be less important than full responsibility for bodily functions (like sleeping, eating, and so forth).

College-level education seems to me to be a choice (and one I hope my kids take); responsibility for basic bodily functions is not a choice – failing to handle the list that you say is mastered only by “few” by the age of legal maturity sounds like I have somehow misunderstood the goal of parenting in our society.

Background: I am a parent. Two kids, late teen and preteen. I wonder what other basic functions (responsibility for their own schoolwork? responsibility for driving a car?) kids are not expected to shoulder, in your worldview. It’s a very scary thought.

Shawn August 28, 2009 · 8:04 am

Please add //www.BookDealFinder.com to your list for getting textbooks. This site has been known to save me more than $250 each semester. This would certainly be a good recommendation to parents of college students!

Amy Sue Nathan August 28, 2009 · 8:04 am

This is a fabulous list – I’m printing it (HA) and saving it for later this year. My son is a high school senior and the fun has just begun!

Allyson Labban August 28, 2009 · 8:04 am

No printer?!?! That rather naive statement assumes that the computer lab will be open at 3:00 a.m. when the student is actually finishing the paper, and that it’s safe for the student to walk/drive across campus at that time of night to get to the computer lab. There are plenty of other places to save that $50 – $80.

I also agree with the poster who objected to the idea of renting textbooks. Textbooks are the foundation of your education experience. If your priorities are so skewed that you object to buying books, it’s time to reevaluate. Yes, the college bookstore prices are ridiculous. But there are plenty of online sources from which you can buy books at a discounted rate, including Amazon and online “textbook swaps.” This semester, my husband, who’s working on an advanced degree, bought the textbooks to have them for the first few classes, found them for a $200 savings on Amazon, and returned them to the bookstore within the alotted period for a full refund once the Amazon shipment came in.

Overall, it’s a little disturbing how much time and money people put into making sure Pookie has matching, high-threadcount sheets, the latest flat screen TV, and a cellphone to call home every five minutes, to the detriment of the things that really matter.

gb August 28, 2009 · 11:00 am

Sunday night phone calls are a great tradition. It’s the one night (on pretty much every campus) when not much is going on, because everyone has to buckle down and get those last things done for Monday (or get a jump on the week’s work, for the rare non-total procrastinator). At the same time, students still want valid excuses to put off that work for just a little while longer, and are more willing to talk at length than at any other point in the week. I’m a year out of school now, and I still have regular Sunday night phone calls with my parents–usually about an hour long, as they were when I was in college.

I disagree about the printer. Even if kids can use the labs, they will probably still have to pay for printing. Doubling up on printers (with a roommate, or even a friend down the hall–I was definitely not the only one using my printer) can be smart, but you want to have one. No one wants to have to run out to an all-night lab to print out their paper at 3 or 4 AM (which is when these things get finished), presuming those labs have working printers at all (our all night labs had the oldest computers and printers on campus, since they had no one watching them, and the printers were not reliable). Not to mention, there’s a lot to be said for proofing on hard copy over breakfast…

Oh, and an absolute must-have for students these days, in terms of cheap gadgets: flash drive (or thumb drive, or whatever you want to call it).

Claudia August 28, 2009 · 12:15 pm

I’m seven years from launching a little bird out of the nest, but two things stuck out:

1. Printer – One can purchase a very good printer for $100 – TOTALLY worth it. Talk to roommate/suite mates the summer before and compare inventories. Make an agreement about sharing the paper/ink costs. So, so, so worth it. Hey, I had one of those ancient dot matrix printers for three of my four years of college in the late 80s! (It was the kind where one had to feed the paper onto the scrolls and rip off on the perforation.) That meant I could print a paper at 3 a.m. in the dead of winter while in my PJ’s.

2. Cable TV? I never had a TV period. That’s what the common room was for. The TV was on just about 24/7 and one could pop in to see the Today Show or Days of Our Lives or Cheers depending on the time of day. Community was built during those times. People are so isolated by their ear buds and pc’s nowadays. I have such fond memories of lighthearted bickering over channel changing and sharing “very special” Cosby moments with my floormates.

I’ll admit to being an old crab about the TV issue – to be honest I don’t even know if dorms have common rooms anymore. Ours was a nice combination of large TV in the corner, microwave (for popcorn) and comfy chairs. Thanks for the memories….

prb August 28, 2009 · 12:42 pm

Not all professors use the textbooks/reading materials they require. Find out who had the teacher before and ask if they actually used their textbook.

Don’t buy your supplies at the bookstore. They are expensive. Find a local Staples, Target to get what you need.

Sometimes the textbook is in the reserve section of the library and you can copy the chapters you need.

Go in with someone on books. Define when you will get it and be realistic.

ask if the articles are able to be downloaded.

Get passwords etc for library etc, you’d be surprised how often this leads to easy access for your projects.

If you haven’t talked to your kids about sex by this time. Talk to them now. Lots of misinformation and risky behavior is out there.

Check out the campus infirmary. Horror stories abound of undiagnoised broken arms, infections. I think all college require proof of insurance.

There are some parents who are happy to see their kids go, bad relationship with them. Realize that sometimes you have unrealistic expectations as well.

Good luck, this chapter of your life can be really fun. It is what you make it.

Kim August 28, 2009 · 1:51 pm

I’m about to send my only child off to college several hours away.

However, I feel very confident that he is well prepared for the challenges ahead. He is a techie so we look forward to seeing his face regularly with today’s webcam technology.

I disagree about not having a printer as last minute preparation seems to be a given and as mentioned above, hard copies are required.

There is a girlfriend here at home, and I’ll take the advice given above with regard to long distance relationships and missing out.

Good luck to all those students heading into a wonderful time in your lives.

Kim
//www.directory-of-online-learning.com

prklypr August 28, 2009 · 3:47 pm

Not surprisingly, the very sensible first list comes from someone at Grinnell, an amazing liberal arts college in Iowa that is not on many people’s “name brand college” radar – and should be! Can I forward this post over to the people at The Choice blog? Go Grinnell!

PearlsMom August 28, 2009 · 4:33 pm

Totally disagree about the credit card advice. Not having any credit history until after college will make it that much harder to ever qualify for loans, leases, etc. It would be much better to help your student find a student-oriented card with a low limit and easy online interface (I used a Discover student card in college and thought it was great and easy). Sure, debit cards are safer, but starting a credit history is important, too. And talking with your kids about the proper uses of credit and how credit cards work may just keep them from getting themselves into trouble later.

TC August 28, 2009 · 6:12 pm

My son has only been in college 1 week. Already he has professors telling him to sign up for online course work and pay a fee- using a credit card. He purposely did not get a card before he left because he didn’t want to get into debt. But so many institutions assume that you will have a credit card and use it willingly.

One other thing I would suggest- a health insurance card and knowledge of how to use it. College students may need treatment for any number of things and need it quickly. I would also suggest a health care proxy, so that someone can authorize treatment for them when they can’t speak for themselves. If Mom makes all the doctors appointments and pays all the bills, they won’t know what to do on their own. They need to understand how to access and activate their insurance so they receive the care they need.

newfreshman August 28, 2009 · 7:08 pm

The printer is really a case-by-case thing…some schools make you pay for printing, which per-page can be very expensive. $50 isn’t much when you consider the convenience of being able to print and reprint as much as you want in your own room. Ink isn’t much when you’re only ever printing text, too.

I’m also not so sure that gift certificates to the local grocery store or pizza place would really be a great replacement for a full meal plan for a freshman, seeing as most freshmen live in dorms without full kitchens and dining services usually offers better food than a pizza place.

//cawledge.blogspot.com/

Kara August 28, 2009 · 8:10 pm

I’m a college professor, and I think it’s very important for incoming students to understand how to email and communicate with their professors. Many students don’t realize that emailing their professors is not the same as sending a casual email to their friends. I’ve received emails that are not even signed with a name, and emails that are appallingly rude, and emails that rant for several paragraphs to complain about their grades. Students frequently do not realize that a rude email will reflect poorly on them in the course and in the future.

This is a great article which talks about some basic guidelines for how to email your professors: //mleddy.blogspot.com/2005/01/how-to-e-mail-professor.html

I would encourage all students to communicate with their professors in person as much as possible, and to ask for help when they need it. This sounds like it should be obvious, but I’m amazed that many students don’t realize that their professors are more than glad to meet with them. I think many of us turn to email to communicate because of the convenience, but I’ve found that even a short 5 minute conversation with a student can make an enormous difference in their experience in a class.

And lastly, I would recommend to students to choose their classes based not only on their interests, but on the professors. When you get an amazing teacher, it almost doesn’t matter what you’re studying.

J August 28, 2009 · 9:25 pm

Another item to talk about before the good-bye: who contacts professors/the college if there are problems? In almost every circumstance, it should be the student. Parents calling professors are lame. This should actually be the case if your young adult lives at home or goes away to school.