Same Repeated Questions?

Welcome to the forum. This is a quite common problem and there's a thread here about compassionate communication which you might find useful: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Distraction usually works with my Mum when she is stuck in a loop. Rather than try to move a conversation on - which is unlikely to happen - I ask if she would like some cake or chocolate or a drink and this usually works. Is there something that your Mum likes doing which might distract her?

I find changing the answer sometimes helps. If I stay at dads he would constantly ask me if I had put the car in the garage. I always said yes, the car is in the garage but he would still ask me another 20 times.

So one time I told him that no, I have left the car on the driveway and this seemed to work, He rarely asks me now and if he does I just tell him that it is outside. It seems to work with dad, it's as if he is on a loop and I can only stop him if I change the answer. It has worked with other questions too.

Don't know how it would work in your case as the answer is always going to be more or less the same but perhaps you could change the answer somehow.

Good luck.

Hello @Khashoggi, welcome to the forum from me too.

In the hope that you can get some value from them here are links to the AS Publications list and the post code search for support in your area
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

Now that you have found us I hope you keep posting as you will get information and support here.

I am having the same problems with my OH at the moment. He insists that this is not our home (we have lived here for 45 years and built on an extension with our own hands) I buy his favourite foods and he insists he has never liked them. He accuses me of never visiting his parents, who have both been dead for over 20 years and insists that they visit him while I am out (I never leave him home alone). I have to dress and undress him as he cannot manage buttons, zips or belts and he will NOT wear elastic waist trousers, T shirts etc. wants the full shirt & tie, dress trousers, watch, lace up shoes every day, constantly complains I am putting them on back to front, or upside down (I am not).

Today I snapped, locked myself in the bathroom to cool down and within seconds he was knocking on the door, demanding to be let in to 'see if I was alright'. I really am at the end of my tether, even dreading going to bed in case he wakes and wants 'a cuddle'.

I have faced repeated asking of the same question. As others have said it is like the PWD gets stuck on a loop. A couple of suggestions.
1) Distraction works best for me if it involves activity. Mum would you like a cup of tea? Yes? Well come into the kitchen and sit there whilst I make it. Oh look at the birds in the garden, lawns are growing again they will need cutting. Now remind me mum do you take milk in your tea. Rather than just offer the tea, make it an exercise for both and the repeated questioning drifts away for a while for me. Offer to put on some relaxing music the person likes, let them read an interesting article for them again. Mum cuts them out of the paper. Planning permission for 500 new homes maybe boring read out for the 10th time, but better than the same question asked repeatedly over and over again. Mum is happy to “keep me informed on these things”.
2) Know when you are beaten. This problem grows when my mum is tired. The question becomes more anxiety based, the need for reassurance more emotional than factual. I realise at these times distraction will fail. Concentrate on calmly answering and getting a tired mum to bed. Advise her favourite teddy is awaiting her return upstairs, wants a cuddle. That is remembered as a positive and going to bed starts to happen, granted with some delays and repeated questioning, but there is progress which I find helps me. Light at the end of what may have been a long tunnel, chance of some peace and a little me time. Charge the batteries ready for tomorrow. Not selfish but essential.
3) This issue use to stress me out then I started attending a Carers group. Two pearls of wisdom then came my way as regards my outlook. Firstly this issue is not a lot when I heard the problems of others. Gave me better perspective. Secondly one of the support staff stressed for mum every time she asks the same question for her it is the first time. Stress and frustration will wear me down and the issue will still be there. I guess over the months I have learnt to be more patient.

Hope any of the above might help, but each PWD is uniquely different as are all Carers, a point I think not always acknowledged. What works for one may not for another.

Some good points here. Have realised that my OH asks more repeated questions on the 2mornings of the week that I go to work, so he is obviously anxious. I don’t want to give up my wee job yet, as it is my respite, but I know I will have to eventually. Sadly patience is not something you can get on prescription , and I have my good patience days, and not so good, so have to go with the flow, and yes the bathroom is my go to place for peace.

My respite time is from 10pm,when my husband goes to bed, till midnight. We have had separate bedrooms for the past few years but some mornings he gets up first and asks if he can come in for a cuddle. He is 90 but has better general health than me. After my usual sleepless nights, I am weary and have aches and pains so, more often than not, I tend to discourage him, which he accepts. I try to make up for this by giving him lots of cuddles during the day and reassuring him how much I still love him.

Hello ! Lots of good suggestions already posted and I’m sure you’ll find a little respite ..it certainly is a challenge with repeated questions. Also what works one day, falls down the next, so having a tool kit full of tips certainly helps me. Good to read the above ideas etc.
Here’s a few we use
1/ sounds brutal but ignoring the question can work, if it’s repeated or your ignorance challenged, I say ‘oh sorry, I was listening to the news on the TV, then the distraction tactic kicks in. There’s a terrible storm in the USA, there’s a bad accident in the motorway, the actor ‘x’ passed away, you can fill the next half hour or so with more detail on the storm, crash etc..etc..Or I say I was on the phone to my friend (one he won’t know) and tell him why she had rung, she was telling me about her holiday, her new pet, the new shop she visited, anything you can imagine really.
2/ answer with ‘I don’t know sorry’ obviously not a reply for the question about you being her son, but can be used about the house, say ‘don’t know, sorry but we can ask Uncle Bill when he comes, see if he knows’ again distraction about another family member moves the subject away. If that’s an issue about her memory of a family member, use a neighbours name. You really have to be very creative, sounds harsh but sadly as we all know a PWD won’t remember what you said.
3/ try family photos, my FIL can spend a good two hours studying one photo, if he can’t remember a family member I show a photo with that person in. I explain the occasion, the rough date, location and who is who. There are always more questions but it’s a change of subject that’s brings me relief.
4/ walk away, saying ‘oh sorry, just a moment, I have to put the washing out, go to the loo, make the beds, answer the phone..etc...etc.. when you return she may have forgotten what her question was.
Good luck, stay positive !

You have my sympathy - I know how it can drive you potty. My FiL would ask the same question endlessly - the one time I actually counted it was 35 times in one hour! Distraction never worked with him, at least not for more than about 30 seconds, and I could not show the slightest irritation since he was apt to fly into truly frightening rages.
Since I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world, the only way I found to cope was to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely, but mechanically. I sort of shut myself off from that compartment, if you see what I mean.

Some years later, when it was my mother driving me mad, I would sometimes pretend I'd left something in the car, go and sit in it, put Bohemian Rhapsody on loud, and have a really good SCREEAM!!!! I never thought of that with FiL, but it's very therapeutic, I recommend it!

Terz said:

I love the idea of loud music in the car!! I never thought of that. I look after my Mum at weekends and she can ask the same question every 30 seconds for ages - my patience can run thin but escaping seems like a good option as distraction rarely works with her.

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Oh yes loud music in the car is a godsend for me. Thoroughly recommend it.

My mother responds well to having imporant information that she might be anxious about on small white boards in a place where she sees them often. For example: 'you are in such and such care home in ......', 'there are staff here to help you 24/7. Use the call button on your pillow', 'Sophie comes 3 times a week and is next coming on Tuesday'. Obviously, she is in a care which makes life much easier for me, but the white boards do seem to help to some extent. (She still repeats some questions, though. I find it easiest to have something for us both to talk about, like a quiz show on the TV - she can comment on the questions, the participants, their clothes, hair etc. Ideally find a show where the contestants keep changing!). I guess none of this might be of use with your mother, but do remember we all think dark thoughts from time to time. Also, as a nurse, I can tell you that it is one thing to be patient for an 8 hour shift and quite another to be there 24/7! Well done.

Khashoggi said:

Does anyway have any tips on how to deal with the same questions being repeated constantly? Mum asks several times an hour if this is her house and if I am her son.

I try not to get exasperated but it really does start to drive me crazy and I don’t know what to do to distract and move on the conversation. Any ideas?

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Dear Khashoggi
I cared for my Mum for 4 years until I had to find her a care home. She has since died and how I wish she was still here asking me the same thing over and over.
I can offer this advice to you, try to look at the situation as work in a shop.and just answer the question as though it is the first time she has asked it. Try to get as much help as possible from Carer societies and groups. It helps to get a day or half day off whilst another carer sits with your Mum. Go through old photographs with her and ask her who the people in them are. She will probably remember the very old ones but not more recent. Don't worry, she will still love you but just forgets. My Mum said she loved me and gave me a big hug the day before she had her final seizure, it meant the world to me. Keep smiling and find people who can make you laugh.

For me the problem is my OH and hair appointments. Whenever one is booked she obsesses every five minutes (literally) during the days before it that we've got the time wrong and she needs to go and apologise to the hairdresser. Yesterday I had been and booked it with her but she will not accept that I have it correctly in:- Her diary, my diary, the year planner and the whiteboard. Yesterday, the day of the appointment (4pm) she said she was going for a walk and assured me she was not going to go to the salon but came back shortly afterwards with her hair done. This lying is a new thing with us, as was a midnight escape attempt where she told the police who brought us home that I was not her husband nor the father of our son.

I never tell my husband about appointments, trips out, family parties etc till the actual day even if I've known about them for months.. Even if I write these down and leave them by his side he frets about what time we have to be ready/what shall he wear/ does he need a jacket/he bets no one will arrive to give us a lift/what if they forget about us/who else will be there? and so on. On the actual morning I say, 'we're going out to lunch at noon. So-and so will pick us up at 11.' So far, so good and it seems to eliminate endless questions and keeps his anxiety levels low.