Domestic violence among seniors: How to spot it and offer help

Police investigating the murder-suicide of Beverly and Earnest Greaves, an elderly Manchester couple, are using the tragedy to raise awareness of domestic violence, especially among older couples.  

"Many seniors in long-term relationship are suffering in silence without seeking help for domestic abuse," a joint statement from the Ocean County Prosecutor's Office and Manchester Police said. "It is clear that abuse can escalate as couples get older and their children leave home." 

More:Manchester murder-suicide shines light on domestic violence among seniors

Experts say there are signs that family, friends and neighbors can be on the lookout for. 

Bruises and abusive behavior. Never ignore or write off abusive behavior, said Elaine Meyerson, interim director for the New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence.

"People just assume, 'Oh, he's an ornery, old man.' Or, 'Oh, but they go to church. That's not possible,'" she said. "That's not the case either. Nobody escapes — no strata, no religious group, no race, escapes domestic violence, unfortunately."

Unexplained bruises or other injuries can also be a sign of domestic violence, several experts said. 

Bruising may not be a definitive sign of abuse since some people may bruise easier as they age, said Katie Ray-Jones, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Withdrawing or changes in behavior. Be aware if you are used to seeing a person or couple and you suddenly don't anymore, said Meyerson. Even if ultimately the cause is not domestic violence, it's worth it to call authorities for a well-being check, especially if they are older.

A person experiencing domestic violence may also seem withdrawn or they may be dressing or acting different, Ray-Jones said. They also may appear to be fearful. 

More:Manchester murder-suicide shines light on domestic violence among seniors

Financial changes. A victim may mention that he or she doesn't have access to financial resources anymore for food, activities or items like their medication. 

Controlling behavior. An abuser may not let his or her victim speak to other people independently, said Bonnie Brandl, founder and director for the National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life. You may notice that the abuser always shows up when you are speaking to the victim.

Depression and stress among caregivers. As many as 750 to 800 elderly people die each year in murder-suicides, said Donna Cohen, a psychologist and professor at the University of Southern Florida who was the first to study the characteristics of murder-suicides in older populations. About 70 percent of murder-suicides among the elderly involve caregiver stress, she said.

While murder-suicides are "relatively uncommon," Cohen said the broader problem depression among caregivers.  

Cohen urges family, friends and neighbors of older couples — particularly where one member of the couple is sick — to check in with them, and if they are worried, seek help.  
"Talk to them quite frankly about what they're thinking," Cohen said. "You're not putting ideas in their head. They been thinking about it a long time." 

For elderly people feeling isolated, anxious and alone, it's important to say, "Your feelings are normal, and you don't have to do this. I want to get you help," and then connect them with county social services, medical professionals, or a religious figure.

Dr. Ramon Solhkhah, chairman of psychiatry at Jersey Shore University Medical Center agreed. "The biggest thing I worry about is depression in the elderly," he said. "That's at the root of most of these cases. 

Often one member of a couple develops dementia or has a serious medical diagnosis. The marriage tends to be more traditional: the husband is dominant and controlling, and the wife more passive. As he loses his ability to cope and control the situation, depression may cloud his judgment, and murder-suicide seem an appropriate solution.

Families may be separated by great distances, and the elderly lack a strong support system. As physical and mental health decline, depression may follow, with thoughts of suicide, said Dr. Karine Airapetian, a psychiatrist at New Bridge Medical Center in Paramus. The highest suicide risk is among white men over the age of 65, she said. 

She urged family members and neighbors to be alert to signs that a person is withdrawing and avoiding social interaction, no longer taking care of themselves or their house, and losing weight. "These are signs," she said. "They paint a picture of depression."

Chronic alcohol use also worsens depression, adding to the suicide risk, said Dr. Srikanth Reddy, a New Bridge Medical Center psychiatrist.

How to intervene

Some people may be afraid to intervene when they suspect abuse, however people are more at risk when they are isolated. 

"Social contact and just saying, 'I'm here if you need anything' can be hugely helpful," Brandl said.

Bring up your concern with the person you suspect is the victim in a non-judgmental way, Ray-Jones said. Keep the lines of communication. Ask if things are OK and gently bring up your concerns,she said. 

If you are uncertain about how to have the conversation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or your local domestic violence advocacy group, Ray-Jones said.

Do not confront the abuser because that could make the situation worse for the victim, Ray-Jones said. 

If you think a person is in imminent danger, you should call police.