At the time I had my first child I was a solicitor, a job for which I’d studied and trained and got qualifications. You’d think that those negotiating and persuasion skills I’d acquired on the job would have equipped me for parenting. Have you ever tried negotiating with a toddler? It becomes very clear who’s in charge pretty quickly.
I thought all you needed to be a good parent was to love your kids, and I could do that. I did love my kids but that didn’t help me with the nitty gritty detail of family life. I needed many more skills and strategies.
My middle son Christian came into the world in a dramatic way with the umbilical cord round his neck, blue and needing to be rushed away for resuscitation. Although he was alright, nothing was quiet in our family after that.
Christian tested all my parenting abilities – and they were found wanting. He was rough and mean with his brother, he irritated his sister, he got into scrapes with other kids, he broke things and didn’t do as he was told. His early childhood was characterised by him doing one thing or another that got him into trouble, both at home and at school.
Once he started “big school” my husband and I spent quite a bit of time in the principal’s office. We sat on the sofa and were made to feel like we had a uniquely awful child, and we thought we were uniquely deficient parents.
When Christian did something terrible I’d think, I’m supposed to punish now. So I’d do that. But the behaviour continued. We tried all the things that parents were “supposed to do”. We tried ignoring and distracting only to be met with greater persistence. We sent him to his room, we withdrew privileges and he got told off, lectured and scolded. A few times, when my buttons had really been pushed, I smacked. I certainly tried cajoling, pleading and bribing too. None of it worked. We felt quite powerless.
My husband and I took a parenting course and our lives turned a corner. We found an end to the shouting, scolding, punishing and tears (mainly mine). We weren’t awful parents. We were doing the best we could with the resources that we had. We just didn’t have the tools we needed or a real understanding of what made him tick. Later we learnt that Christian had dyslexia and that some of his behaviour at school served as a distraction from his difficulties in the classroom. His self-esteem was affected and every time he got into trouble it confirmed adults’ disappointment in him. He wasn’t malicious but had a very impulsive nature.
One story from the family annals exemplifies this. We had gone on holiday with my family to the Gold Coast, staying in high-rise apartments. This was a special treat for all my extended family to be together for a beach holiday. Expectations were high.
The apartments had balconies on which were planters with pebbles in them. Christian, aged seven, and his younger cousin decided it would be fun to drop the pebbles off the balcony. I’m sure they thought this was a great game (there may have been a quite scientific analysis of the trajectory of the missile) and maybe they didn’t stop to think of the consequences but several of the pebbles landed on a car parked below. The car was of course damaged and the parents had to pay for repairs.
Parenting Christian provided the impetus that set me off on a journey starting with a parenting class, where I discovered skills, strategies and insights, often by seeing what didn’t work.
The key that unlocked everything for us was descriptive praise. This taught me to look at my children differently and to notice that actually there was a lot they were doing right – it’s just that I’d been in the habit of paying more attention to what they got wrong.
I thought it sounded like a good idea immediately but was convinced it was for other people’s children, better behaved ones. I thought I would praise my son … if he was doing anything remotely praise-worthy. I learnt to look for smaller examples of good behaviour and when I noticed and commented on these, lo and behold, I got more good behaviour.
Christian loved this new positive approach. I would sometimes write him a little descriptive praise note and months later I found that he had kept them all in an envelope marked “Mummy’s notes to me”.
Gradually, by using this different form of praise (more specific and more credible than “good boy” or “well done”) Christian’s self-esteem began to improve and so did his behaviour.
That was the other big discovery for me – that all behaviour has a reason for it. I learnt that my child was “having a problem, not being a problem”. When I started to look beyond the behaviour for the reasons I could be much more effective.
There is no stigma attached to taking an antenatal class – it’s just what you do when you’re expecting a baby. But parents often have concerns about attending parenting classes. They think: “If I attend a class is that an admission of failure as a parent? Will my family be seen as dysfunctional?”
We move beyond that if classes are available to all. If they’re only for “needy” families then of course they will attract that stigma. How we raise our children is also a very private matter – nobody wants to be judged or told they’re getting it wrong.
Some of you reading this will have very important jobs. Some of you might even get a good salary to go with that job; you wear a smart suit and maybe have a nice office, with a view. Some of you do very important work without a nice office.
Maybe you think about your career path quite seriously, ask for training and put your hand up for ongoing professional development. But the most responsible job any of us will ever have is raising the next generation of adults, adults who care about and contribute to the communities in which they live. Raising children to regard and to treat themselves and others with respect and dignity is our Big Job. And we get no training for this job – unless we seek it out when we need it.
Good parenting classes that are non-judgmental and non-preachy can provide parents with the confidence and skills to raise exceptional adults.
My son was intense, persistent, highly distractible, impulsive and energetic. I will forever be grateful that I found the help I needed to really understand him, appreciate him, redirect his behaviour and encourage positive qualities.
Now as an adult those qualities serve him very well as he is tenacious, creative, perceptive, thoughtful, very loving and still pretty energetic! Years of descriptive praise have resulted in someone who has respect for himself and others.
Real Parenting for Real Kids by Melissa Hood is available from the Chain Reaction Foundation.