Have You Recovered From Your Breakup? Take This Quiz

"How about a glass of wine?" my date inquired as we sat down at our table in the restaurant.

"Uh...yes, sure." I was nervous, but not because this was our first date. I was nervous because I spotted my ex-fiancé across the room with his date when we walked in, and a glass of wine would certainly calm the tide of emotion tossing my heart about. We had been broken up for about 6 months by this time, and after taking a period of time for myself to heal I thought I was ready, but now I wondered if I was wrong.

I had loved that man, the one who was now affectionately smiling at someone else. I was overwhelmed with the sudden flood of sentimental feelings. Had I ever really gotten over him? Did I make the right decision to start dating, again? Why was I feeling this way? I was being tugged at by so many emotions; sadness, regret, and guilt. My heart was definitely not at peace.

The Pre-Marital Divorce

When a long-term romantic relationship ends, it's not enough to go your separate ways and leave the healing process solely to Father Time. It's important to actively and deliberately walk the road to healing, to process your emotions and grieve the loss. But most importantly, it's critical you make peace with that chapter of your life before you consider giving your heart to someone new.

People often say that, although they were never actually married, they believe the breakup of their engagement or long-term relationship was just as bad as a divorce. The difference being that in divorce, a covenant has been broken; in an engagement or long-term relationship, there was the hope or expectation of that covenant, but never the opportunity to actually live it. The loss of that highly anticipated opportunity to live the promise, in itself, can cause tremendous pain.

The end of an engagement can be particularly harsh. Plans for that amazing honeymoon? Dumped. Wedding and reception rentals? Canceled. All those gifts? Returned. Friends and family? Tearfully notified. It's a very difficult thing to go through, and the embarrassment that accompanies it can have a lasting affect on one's self-esteem.

"I’m not good enough."

"I obviously have nothing to offer."

"I’m terrified of being hurt, again."

These are common reactions to the end of an engagement or long-term relationship and really need to be assessed before entering into a new relationship.

Take The Test

If you are struggling after the end of a long term relationship or engagement, I encourage you to take the little self-quiz below and test your readiness for a new relationship.

In reflecting on your engagement(s)/long-term relationships:

1. Did you agree with the decision to end the relationship? What is your "emotional bottom line" on this decision, meaning are you still bothered in any way by this decision or have you made peace with it?

2. Do you still have romantic feelings toward any of your past boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/fiancés?

3. If any of your past boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancés asked you to consider reconciliation, would that be an option for you?

4. Have you forgiven this person/these people for any offenses against you?

5. Do you have a nagging urge to apologize to any of them, or try and get closure on the relationship? If so, how have you handled that?

6. Have you taken any steps to heal from these relationships? If so, how effective were they? If not, why not?

7. What were the lessons you learned after each relationship, if any?

8.  Have you put what you learned into practice and experienced personal growth? How so?

9. Have you made better choices since those relationships?

10. Are you at peace with the past?

Your answers will reveal a lot about your level of readiness to date. In answering the questions, if you see you have been able to rid yourself of the emotional baggage of a breakup, you have made good progress in healing from your past relationships. But, if any of these questions bring up unresolved emotions that might be keeping you tethered to someone in your past, you will definitely want to get to the bottom of that and do what it takes to root it out.

If you find you are dragging a cart-load of emotional baggage around with you, well, you’ve got some serious work to do.

But, fear not!  Taking steps to heal will only make you a better, stronger, and wiser person who will be able to improve the quality of your relationships and will be well-prepared when the right person shows up.

Got questions? Email me at [email protected].