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Column: Divorce means big lifestyle changes, but they aren’t all bad

As I find myself waiting up most nights for my teenage son to get home, I often wish I could go back to when the routine consisted of giving my little kids baths, helping them brush their teeth, reading them a bedtime story and tucking them into bed with a kiss — all before 8 p.m.

I was sure this ritual made my kids feel loved, safe and secure.

One reader feels the same way. Now this young mom is going through a divorce and wrote this:

I’m devastated at the thought of not tucking my son into bed every night.

I remember having similar feelings when I got divorced and my kids, who were 4 and 6 at the time, were staying at my ex-husband’s new house every other weekend. It felt strange and uncomfortable to be a mom who wasn’t sleeping in the same house every night as her young children. It also worried me. Would my kids think Mommy was only there for them on the nights they stayed at my house, I wondered?

Well, my kids are now almost grown, and I think they turned out great, despite having only one parent (either my ex-husband or me) tucking them into bed every night. What I realized is, kids feel love and security from both parents, and it comes from so much more than a nightly tuck-in.

It comes from:

Taking care of them when they’re sick;

Sitting with them while they do their homework;

Cheering them on at sporting events, theater or musical performances;

Talking through drama with junior-high school mean kids and discussing their first crush;

Answering questions you never imagined they’d ask about sex, body parts and other topics that can be uncomfortable;

Teaching them right from wrong;

Answering their questions with honesty and without judgement;

Encouraging them to pursue their passions;

And helping them develop self-confidence and self-love by showing them affection, respect and thoughtfulness.

That can all be done whether you’re married or a single parent. But my reader’s concern got me thinking.

As a divorced parent, there are many big lifestyle changes, but some have surprising benefits. Here are a few of the more monumental shifts, and the potential up sides.

Being alone a lot more. When kids leave to go to their other parent’s house, it can feel empty, lonely and uncomfortable. The good news is that when you learn how to take advantage of alone time, you might discover new passions, hobbies or other outlets for your energy and time. You might even grow to enjoy the solo time.

Doing chores and tasks you never did because your ex was responsible for those. In most marriages, people settle into patterns of who does what. One partner might be in charge of cooking, paying bills and preparing tax returns while the other is responsible for household repairs, taking out the garbage and shoveling snow. When you get divorced, both people learn how to do everything by themselves. (Don’t even ask how I reacted when I was newly separated and saw a mouse run by on the kitchen floor.)

Making decisions about your kids without the other parent. When you get divorced, you are now the leader of your household. Sure, there are many decisions made by co-parenting, but at your house, you’re calling the shots. On the one hand it’s scary, but how empowering is that?

Going back to work or changing careers. Single parents might decide for financial or other reasons that getting a job makes sense. Some who already work find that a new career, different hours or a closer work location makes sense. New jobs are almost always stressful but they’re also exciting, and you might end up happier than you ever thought you’d be.

Moving. I’ve heard so many stories from divorced men and women who initially felt sad about having to move out of a large home. But there are advantages including easier home maintenance, a cheaper monthly mortgage or rent payment and the feeling of a fresh start.

Curbing spending. It probably doesn’t feel great to have to stop taking luxury vacations, shopping at high-end boutiques or driving an expensive car, but that’s what some divorced people have to do. When this happens, it’s an adjustment, but many people realize how enjoyable the simpler things in life can be. And because they’re happier out of a marriage that wasn’t working, they often don’t give a second thought to the cutbacks. Money really doesn’t buy happiness.

Dating again. You went from being a married couple to swiping right and left. This can be terrifying for divorced people, especially those who were married for a long time. Dating can be frustrating and disappointing, but it can also be really fun and interesting with the right attitude. And let’s not forget that dating can lead to meeting someone wonderful.

The lifestyle changes that come with divorce can feel sad and scary, especially at first. But with a little patience, an open mind and faith in yourself, your new life just might surprise and empower you.

Then, one day when you’re reading your kids their bedtime story and it ends with “they lived happily ever after,” you might realize that you did, too.

Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance columnist for Pioneer Press. She is also the creator of her divorce support website, Divorced Girl Smiling. Pilossoph lives in Chicago with her two children.