KITOTO: I do not want her back, but I’m not sure I’ll find a girl who’ll accept me

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 31-year-old man and would like your advice on whether to rekindle my relationship with my ex or not.

I dated her from 2008 to 2012, when she ended our relationship abruptly, saying that she needed to be on her own to think clearly about her future.

During our relationship she got pregnant in 2009 and gave birth to our son in January 2010.

Our relationship was not smooth; we constantly argued and never got along well most of the time, partly because she was very proud.

After she ended our relationship, I tried talking to her to change her mind but she would not listen to me.

She went ahead and dated another man from 2013 to 2014, while at the same time preventing me from seeing my son.

She started having a change of heart at the beginning of last year and allowed me to visit my son for the first time.

However, we ended up quarrelling after she came back home drunk later that evening.

I left and vowed to forget all about her and my son for the time being as it was causing me a lot of emotional pain.

Later in the year, she started communicating with me again and since then I have been able to visit her and my son a couple of times without any ugly incident.

Now, of late she has been asking me if we can get back together again.

This is after her relationship with the other man ended.

BREAK UP

She also confessed that her getting pregnant with our son was not an accident but something she wanted, and this after I had told her at that time that I wasn’t ready to be a father.

She also claims to have stopped drinking (I do not take alcohol).

I honestly don’t feel any love for her at the moment, but I don’t hate her either.

I decided to forgive everything but I can’t forget.

The close bond I used to feel with my boy is also no longer there, but I must say I do love him, even though he doesn’t feel that close to me.

After we broke up, I did not date any other girl, until last year, but after I informed her that I had a son from my previous relationship, she decided to end the relationship a few months later, citing the kid as one of the reasons.

I am confused about the right thing to do because I am not sure I will ever have any affection for the mother of my son after all that happened between us.

I also feel it will be hard for me to be happy in a relationship with her again as everything that has happened between us is always on my mind.

Also, I am not sure whether I will ever be able to date someone else and be in a stable relationship if I tell them that I have child from my previous relationship, or whether they will just keep leaving me when they realise that I have a kid.

Kindly advise.

Hi,

Several issues arise from the experience you have had in this relationship. I am not clear as to whether you have two children with different women, or whether you have just one son.

Whatever the case, your desire to forgive those with whom you have had differences is an honourable thing.

However, forgiveness must come with responsibility, but I cannot guarantee that her sudden change in attitude will translate to responsible living.

Secondly, you have a son with this woman. Whether this relationship works for you or not, you should seek every opportunity to be a father to your son. Find time to be an influence in his life.

Thirdly, the desire to rekindle this love is up to you. However, you should ask yourself why you want to do it.

Both of you have been through a lot. There is a lot more to learn that results from the way you treated each other.

Maybe sitting down with a counsellor will help both of you find out whether getting back together is a good idea.

I suggest that you do not move in together or consider re-activating this relationship until you have addressed the issues that separated you.

Remember, you have many doubts, including whether she has really stopped drinking and whether she wants you to get back with you for genuine reasons.

WISE COUNSEL
Relationships can be both complicated and tough. You two have had a rocky time right from the start.

Therefore, dealing with your insecurities and fears will be key to living freely. Right now you have many unanswered questions.

Taking time to seek inner healing and asking yourself hard questions will help you feel better about who you are as a man.

Your fears of being rejected could keep you in a prison. As a man, freedom comes with the responsibility of admitting your weaknesses and strengths.

I believe, there are many women out there who are looking for men of integrity.

Your goal should, therefore, be to walk with care, while being accountable to a male friend who can help you make wise choices.

Such a friend could be married and can share from experience what married life is like.

Finally, being the right man who takes responsibility for their life is a great place to start.

Make it a point to be the kind of man who can be admired for their character.

Failure should not be what defines us, but our desire to rise after failing and re-charting our lives.

Meanwhile, your differences, which can drive you apart, should be viewed in context.

As I wrote in this column last week, differences, if well handled, can add adventure, richness, depth, and texture to any relationship, including marriage.

Apart from the differences you had with the mother of your child, knowing the reasons that make you want to rekindle your love will be important.

He wants to go to the US; how do I move on?

Hi Mr Kitoto,

I love the advice you give.

I am a young woman aged 20. I fell in love for the first time with a man my age. We’ve been together for about four years. During that period, we did a lot, including having sex. We would part ways for some time and then get back again.

At times I thought it was childish. But after dating other men, I have never felt like I feel when I am with him. Recently, he told me that he will be leaving by March to go and live with his parents in the US. I already feel abandoned and really hurt.

This, to me, is being dumped. I have never felt this way before. He says he still loves me but I think he was perhaps using me just so he would not be single. Since he went to the university, he has changed. From his behaviour, I think he has another girlfriend but does not want to tell me.

I really love him, no matter what he does, but he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship. This makes me think that he is not faithful, and is not willing to be.

Can I move on and get someone more mature although I don’t know where to start? Please help me.

Hi,

You say that you have been in this intimate relationship for more than four years. If your age is anything to go by, it is clear that you became intimate and sexually active quite early.

At this young age, either partner is in the relationship for the adventure it provides and does not necessarily desire to make a long-term commitment.

Every relationship is governed by some values that are agreed upon and respected. As far as personal development is concerned, each one of you has their own priorities and goals they want to achieve. Education and a decent career are possibly among these goals.

Although marriage might be part of the discussion, it might not necessarily have been put in context with one’s priorities.

My take is that the two of you became sexually intimate too early. The anger, pain and frustration you feel is to some extent associated with this fact.

Part of your most intimate life was shared with someone who seems not to be interested in you anymore.

TIME OFF

Whether he is going to the US or not, a time comes when relationships like yours end.

And since it takes two to tango, you can’t force him to stay. If, indeed, your boyfriend has another girlfriend at the university, that is just proof that both of you had not thought through what a relationship requires.

I suggest that you stop this relationship and take time to refocus.

You are at an age where you can re-direct your life better. Marriage is not everything. There are as many in unhappy relationships as there are who are in happy relationships who are enjoying each other.

Anyone who seeks to be in a relationship should do a mental walk through their relationship by first asking whether they are getting into it for the right reasons.

In fact, this is what you need to ask yourself why you think a more mature man will solve your problem.

Could it just be that you are the one that needs to take time to mature. Have a mature woman mentor who you can share with and learn from.

Take time and read some books on relationships and personal development so that you mature in a wholesome way.

Are there any serious men out there?

Dear Kitoto,

I was in a relationship for two years. My boyfriend was faithful to me and treated me well. I loved him very much and was also faithful to him. Sadly, we broke up bitterly because his friends told him lies about me and my family. I want to move on but since then I have never found a faithful man. I want to settle down but where is my future husband? I can’t find him.

Hi,

My worry is whether you have discovered what it takes to make a relationship work. Is it about finding the right person, or being the right person?

You two had a bitter break-up. Dr Paul and Dr Margaret Jordan remind us of an important question: “What fears, expectations, or beliefs lie behind my feeling threatened or irritated?"

My conviction is that, it is through our being the right people with a strong desire to live a value-based life that helps us meet and connect with like-minded people.

When we are in the right frame of mind, we can make the right judgements about ourselves and our associations with others.

What I see from your reaction is a woman in panic mode with no conviction about what really matters in a relationship.

Finding a man, as you have discovered, is not all that it takes to have a great relationship. Your cry for a faithful man makes me wonder what your definition of such a man is.

A relationship needs the care and nurturing of two adults that creates a mutually beneficial connection.

Throwing in the towel, or walking out of each other’s life, does not help resolve what caused the discomfort. Every couple must face the discomfort together with differing opinions and ideas once is rears its ugly head in the relationship.

WAY FORWARD

What one would ask thereafter is, what did you learn and would do differently?

Doing a self-analysis and working on yourself will make you a better person, who will be admired for their qualities.

Taking time off to reflect is what you need to build future relationships. You need to give your relationship what it needs to thrive.

During your moments of self-reflection, you learn when you discover something about yourself, and use self-correction to propel yourself forward to being a much better candidate instead of being consumed just by the need to find the right person.

Learning becomes beneficial when it includes taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, and actions; recognising that others have something to say and might not necessarily share your viewpoint.