UK Edition
The good divorce guide: How to break up without tearing each other apart
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer; the vows are too often the first casualties when a couple start drawing the battle lines of divorce.
Forty-two per cent of first marriages in the UK now end in divorce. Is it possible to part ways without leaving a trail of destruction?
While for the minority a “good divorce” might involve instructing the fiercest divorce lawyer available, for others it’s setting the foundations for future amicable family get-togethers.
Gwyneth and Chris Martin certainly thought so when they “consciously uncoupled” in 2014, and this week TV presenter Zoë Ball and DJ Norman Cook (aka Fatboy Slim) joined their ranks when they announced not only their split but their decision to live next door but one to each other for their children’s sake.
Doing a “Zoë and Norman” might sound ideal, but remaining friends is rarely as straightforward and easy as it seems. Divorce coach Sara Davison says: “Nobody splits if the relationship is working, so there is always some degree of difficulty and conflict to overcome and navigate. It is rarely seamless and without hiccups. So it does take strength of character and hard work to create an environment where this can work.”
In her new HBO series Divorce (a black comedy created by Sharon Horgan), Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, Frances, negotiates the hostilities and emotional impact of initiating a divorce. Horgan, who drew on personal experience and those of friends to write the series, said that when she showed the pilot to her husband “the colour drained from his face and he was visibly shaken up”.
One person who has seen it all when it comes to divorce is family law barrister Max Lewis: “People come to me when things have gone wrong and they find themselves inside a court room. I’ve dealt with four attempted murders.”
It’s fair to say that few people start the divorce process wanting to see their ex behind bars. A full-blown fight doesn’t help anyone, least of all the children.
Remember, you did once agree to spend the rest of your life with this person. Deep down there is something that you like about them; you may have just forgotten what it is. As Lewis says: “It’s easy when getting divorced to look back through s---tinted spectacles. But it is possible to part well, I’ve seen it happen.”
So what is the best way to avoid doing a “Brad and Ange”? The following questions may help.
Should you get a post-nup?
It might sound a lot like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but a post-nuptial agreement – a contract much like a pre-nup but drawn up after a marriage – is viewed by some in the divorce business as a sensible agreement that will eliminate any future costly and unpleasant divorce proceedings. The agreement provides details on how the couple’s assets and property would be split in the event of the couple divorcing, separating or upon death. The concept has been in the UK for the past 10 years and Harriet Errington, a family law solicitor at Boodle Hatfield, explains that her clients may use post-nups when they are separating rather than divorcing, “but they want some certainty as to how the assets will be divided on a divorce”.
Bear in mind that post-nups are not automatically binding in England and Wales but they are likely to be respected by the courts provided certain safeguards have been met. These include both parties having had independent legal advice, no unfair pressure having been applied by either party and both husband and wife having made full disclosure and the agreement being broadly fair.
While hardly romantic, by determining what happens to the family home, pensions and the parties’ obligations to pay maintenance before communication ever fully breaks down, future hostilities can be avoided.
Leading UK divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag often brokers post-nups for clients as an alternative to divorce. “The price of staying in the marriage is a new deal – it gives the party who’s considering getting out the comfort to give it a go going forward,” she says.
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However, it can actually have the unforeseeable effect of strengthening a marriage by eliminating trust worries.
Vardag cites a client who came to her wanting a divorce because his wife’s affair meant he didn’t trust her any more: “His company was about to go into a big growth phase and he felt he had to divorce her before that took place and increased her 'cut’ from any divorce. She was desperate to be forgiven and stay married. We brokered a post-nup which would mean if they divorced her reasonable needs would be met but she wouldn’t get a big chunk of his assets, and nothing of the company’s growth after that date. They got back together on that basis.”
Should you hire a mediator?
Divorce costs the taxpayer £48 billion a year – more than the defence budget – small wonder the government is desperate for more of us to deal with our dirty linen in private. While divorce is always going to be a legal process, you can easily limit the level of involvement from judges by thrashing out the details between you.
Kate Daly, co-founder of Amicable, was inspired to create the divorce service app after her own acrimonious divorce. For her, alternative dispute resolutions are preferable to the hostilities that can be whipped up by heavy lawyer involvement. “Lawyers have to work in our adversarial legal system and are duty bound to prioritise their clients over the other partners. This sets up conflict and polarises people, pushing them to extremes and focusing them on 'entitlement’,” she says.
Mediation is a softer approach for couples where perhaps one party is struggling to accept the end of the relationship.
Even many barristers like Lewis would rather see divorcing couples try mediation before resorting to legal teams. “Road-test mediation first and see if it will work. Once you choose to litigate, the only outcomes are court orders, which are very blunt instruments and don’t take feelings into consideration.”
While a “kitchen table” settlement where you both do full disclosure and bash it out may sound ideal, mediation is unlikely to work for couples who are already daggers drawn. “It can waste a lot of time and money,” says Vardag.
The nebulous nature of mediation has seen uptake of meetings fall by 50 per cent since 2013. The fact that there is no guarantee of consensus seems to be the main deterrent.
“Mediation relies on the qualities and determination of the couple – or rather the least well-behaved member of the couple as the process is only as good as the weakest person or least well-intentioned,” says Daly.
How do you avoid arguing over money?
The root of all evil, money can quickly turn even the best intentioned of divorcing couples into grasping hungry hippos, escalating proceedings towards ever more shocking stand-offs.
There are things you can do to halt this process of creeping hostility. In the aftermath of a split, Lewis recommends immediately laying some ground rules, making sure there is provision for the mortgage and the household bills.
“Make an agreement between you. This sets the tone for everything that is to happen afterwards,” says Lewis. “The horror stories always start from something small and trivial. Someone goes to the supermarket and their credit card is declined and it ends up in a big ruckus.”
Vanessa Friend, an associate at Hunters, acts for a lot of high-net-wealth individuals, as well as people on modest incomes. “Higher-value cases are easier to settle because there’s enough to go round, whereas smaller divorces are actually really hard because you’re carving up a smaller pot to make two and there just might not be enough.”
Communication and honesty are key. “Don’t try and hide your assets,” warns Errington. “The court has wide powers, including unravelling sophisticated trust structure and invading company assets.”
Divorce coach Emma Heptonstall says many of her clients simply don’t understand their family finances. “I have many women saying they want the house and he can keep his pension without considering that the house is a liability, not an asset, and that share of his pension may be worth far more to her,” she says. “Money squabbles can be avoided by my rule of thumb – no negotiation without knowing your numbers!”
How do you stop your children getting hurt?
With most UK divorcees in their early 40s, it’s more than likely young children will also be in the picture. In fact, research shows one in four kids can expect their parents to be living separately by the age of 16.
While emotions will undoubtedly be running high after a break-up, Dr Stephen Adams-Langley, senior clinical consultant at children’s mental-health charity Place2Be, says: “The key message for parents is that they have to put more effort into the love they have for their children than into the animosity they may have for each other.”
Friend says, where possible, child arrangements should be drawn up immediately. “An informal written agreement can bypass future arguments about time sharing.”
Lewis sees children being used as weapons in unpleasant court battles. “Shared residence orders become a prize to litigate over in the most ridiculous way,” he says. “People make a big song and dance of contact. It becomes a point of pride that they come and stay with you for a night when all the evidence says kids don’t give a monkey about staying over. What they care about is there not being any more arguments.”
Indeed, children will benefit from clear communication about their new and changing living circumstances. “Children tell us they want to know what is happening. Most children want to be told the truth. They are usually able to see straight through the secrets and evasion of adults, which can increase their feelings of distress and despair,” says Dr Adams-Langley.
Equally, for the consciously uncoupled, beware of rushing into that post-divorce family holiday. “I don’t think going on holiday as a family when you’ve broken up is necessarily the best thing for the kids. It can be confusing and give them false hope,” says divorce coach Sara Davison. What’s more important, she says, is working towards being able to stand together on the side of the school football pitch without hurling abuse at each other.
How do you move on from a painful split?
The decree absolute was signed months ago but you’re still fuming over the litany of age-old offences your ex committed against you. Surely it’s time you got over it? “Divorce is known to be the second most traumatic life experience after the death of a loved one,” explains Davison. Make sure you take time to grieve your relationship and also to reconnect with yourself after a break-up; privacy and time alone or away from your ex and kids is a big part of this.
While acknowledging the major impact, Davison’s divorce coaching practice aims to tip the weighing scales from focusing on the trauma to creating a compelling future guaranteed to get you out of bed in the morning.
“I tell many of my clients to write a break-up bucket list. All the things you can do now that you couldn’t do during your marriage. I had one woman who wasn’t allowed to wear coloured nail varnish; that made her feel free. It might even be changing around the furniture in your marital home.”
Take some time for self-reflection before moving on, if only to avoid another acrimonious divorce in the future. It may be worth investing in therapy to ensure you don’t take the baggage of your divorce into your next relationship.
“Don’t bed hop,” says Lewis. “Don’t just jump into a new relationship without tying off the loose ends of the previous one.”
Your divorce is a golden opportunity to redesign your life as you want it. Davison says: “Even in good marriages there are things you’d like to change about your life. Divorce gives you that opportunity to take stock of everything.”