Jan 22nd, 2016
Stop forcing your daughters to hug the family molester. The molester that every adult in the family knows about but swept it under the rug years ago, because we as Black people already have enough issues to deal with, so we HAVE to keep the family together, right? Wrong.
This idea that we are protecting the family structure is something I like to call “Politics of the Black Family”
So let’s talk about it. I mean really really talk about it. Let’s talk about how 60% of Black women experience sexual abuse from the hands of a Black man by the age of 18. Talk about what messages we are sending.. one that doesn’t uplift the entire family structure, it instead fucks up the minds of black people and the main victim is the black woman. It sends a message to not to break up the family with these “allegations”. It sends a message that her pain is the lesser of the issues. It sends a message that we as Black women have to be more black than we are woman.
This past weekend I attended the Young People For National Summit. As always it poured into my life, and I got a chance to listen to perspectives that I hadn’t heard before. One that stuck with me is the idea that we as americans don’t value personal space, and we actually devalue it so much that we take it upon ourselves to hug as we see fit and if someone doesn’t embrace us back they are considered rude.
Taking this a step deeper we send that same message to children. I know this is true for the Black family where we grow up hearing “Go give your grandpa a kiss or give your uncle a hug” and if we as a child don’t want to do those things that is followed up with stop acting like that, and we are then forced to do it anyway. Taking the power away from the child who could then internalize a message that they don’t have control of their own body.
So then, if that same uncle, grandpa, family friend, or step dad becomes the perpetrator…if they become this monster what does this child know to do when she has been told she doesn’t have control of her body anyway. She has been told to “Be nice” as if it is mean to not want to give someone access to your body whether it is an innocent hug or not.
Then abuse occurs, pain occurs, silencing occurs and a cycle repeats. So question what we have all grown up in. Question what messages you send, no matter how innocent the intentions. Think deeply about the structures we fall victim to, even within the Black community. & Don’t ever be so black that you forget to be woman. Protect your woman, it is as much you as your melanin.
+++++++++++
-Polish&Politics, Regennia Johnson
>>via: http://polishandpolitics.tumblr.com/post/137826468835/stop-forcing-your-daughters-to-hug-the-family
Dear Brother ya Salaam:
How I appreciate this wisdom and love for black women/black children! I applaud you for standing up for our rights and psyches. We need more brothers to do the same. God bless you and thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Honorée Fanonne Jeffers
This isn’t talked about enough. The problem is that black families will not only protect the molesters and rapists in their families and in churches and religious institutions that they belong to but they will also blame the girl or the woman. Aren’t we seeing this same thing now being played out on a larger stage with the Cosby situation with him playing the role of “America’s Dad” and all of these black folks, some of the loud voices being black women, rushing in to cover up his crimes of rape and molestation and assault as they blame and shame the women? Some of these women were teens when this happened to them and just as is always in black families, they held their tongues about what happened to them and didn’t speak until years later. Many black women and girls never speak because just as Beverly Johnson and one of his other black victims Jewel Allison said, they were worried about his legacy and being accused of “bringing the black man down” Its something that is a constant in black families. Chris Rock did a skit about it and it resonated with everyone in that audience because black folks know its true even on a subconscious level. Its an insane form of behavior that needs to end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94f74xMgsTE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxhg3dcHnb0
Notice how Beverly says it was like a family member and brings up the attacks on black men and how its hard to call out a revered black man. It is the same for little black girls and teens who are deftly afraid to speak out when abused by family members who are revered as well. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_6bW9ZnHrI
You fuck boy ass niggers and race trader nigger whores are so quick to jump on the band wagon of using Mr. Cosby as an example to support what I would admit is sometimes a note worthy issue. Like the one in this artical. But, you same worthless pieces of shit will cry like a virgin on her wedding night if the white man makes just an assumption about you, let alone accuse you, without evidence that you are or did what they say. But, no sooner than when one of our respected black men has been accused of despicable crimes, without evidence actually proving, he committed the acts yet. You worthless niggers have already lynched our own. I don’t support abortions at all, but in blacks like yourselves, I would wholly support late term abortions. And I’m not talking traveling back in time to conduct them.
I appreciate reading this cause turns out I wasn’t the only innnapropiayely touched by this guy in my family. I heard my older cousins in the den talking about it and they all decided to stay shut about it because he was molested by a woman. Because they are older I decided it wasn’t my place to tell either and he moved away and moves on with his life and shit for all we know he could be molesting his daughter idk. But of course nobody in my family would probably say shit.
There is a lot of trauma and pain among us. name calling such as in montez kennedy’s response is an example of untreated trauma whether because of unhealed hurt from a failed relationship(s) or because of experienced observed trauma, i do not know and can not tell from kennedy’s response. regardless of the cause, this is virulent, misogyny, this explicit hatred of women, is a major aspect of the problem of sexual molestation and abuse. i allow kennedy’s response in the comments section not to shame or embarrass kennedy, but rather as an example of the complex nature of untreated trauma within the black community. despite our happy faces, our vital music, our laughing and joking both within the entertainment industry as well as among ourselves, we are truly a people in sorrow. simply saying that something is wrong is a necessary step but we will not be whole and healthy until we figure out how to deal with both direct victims of trauma as well as rehabilitation and/or banishment of perpetrators and predators among us. patriarchy and misogny are real. in fact, the issue is more than real, sexual abuse is pervasive, possibly epidemic amongst us. first should acknowledge the problem, second we should engage in the difficult but necessary process of treating and healing. ultimately treating and healing must include both the victims as well as the perpetrators. this process will not be easy, but it is oh so necessary. —kalamu ya salaam
So your suppose to have analyzed me correct? Something I don’t understand. You address my comment about women but you conveniently ignore my comment about men. Which could only mean that your taking away from information that you hope will support your position on an issue. RED FLAG, because if that is how you research your topics we readers have to question what has been left out by you and why.
The same thing goes on in white families….
This isn’t exclusive to black families.
This article is being shared on Facebook among all races, it is very true and hits home with many people from all walks of life. Thank you for writing it. I never forced my child to hug or kiss anyone, and as an adult I don’t demand that my little cousins, nephews, etc hug or kiss me. I actually say, “that’s ok, you don’t have to hug me!” with a smile if they act shy. Another thing we all have to address, which I tried to do when raising my son, is how to respect girls (and everyone), and grasp the idea of boundaries. I was determined to raise my son to have very clear lines when he grew up. For example, when he was a toddler and I would tickle him and he was laughing but saying “stop, haha, stop” I would stop. He’d ask why I stopped and I’d say, “because you said stop”, and he would think, and then make his intentions clear, thus getting the idea of thinking about what you say and hear, and that actions and words don’t always add up and you might have to back off and clarify. Another example is keeping our word as parents and not caving in, otherwise they will expect a girlfriend or boyfriend to cave in if they put on that pouty face enough, which translates into peer pressure, with a girl maybe caving in, unsure of herself, and giving a, “wellllll, maaaaybe…. just a little….” then next thing you know she’s feeling she was date raped while the boy says she consented. Teach our young teens that if someone isn’t all in, if they are unsure at all (about drugs, sex, littering, playing a particular game, cutting class, ANYTHING), leave them alone, or try to see their view and stick by them; stick by the ones in the crowd who are doubtful or cautious and help stand up against the stronger ones with the dangerous ideas. Often in a group there is only 1 strong-minded one, and one or more cautious ones, and some in-between… chances are your kid is an in-between and could be swayed either way, but if s/he is taught to have a heart & be brave and side with the ‘good guys’ in the group, you could prevent some big things from getting out of hand, I’ve seen it as a parent and being in the school system observing kids & teens… in a group it all starts with ONE person’s idea to get into trouble, the others follow due to “mob mentality” – look this up and teach your kids to be strong from the beginning and not need to belong to a clique… if they have a strong family it will lessen the need for them to belong to an outer group. Kids with no strong family look to belong elsewhere. Human beings of all races are social creatures and need to belong to a clan, a tribe, a family, a community… this is a huge part of why gangs exist, when the community is broken up and doesn’t give them a sense of safety, belonging, and love. Children WILL look elsewhere for those things.
Sorry to go on, lol…. raising kids is a huge topic with me; I wish I could revamp the entire education system, and parents would be involved, lol 🙂 peace and love to all <3
I’m speaking out. I will no longer stay silent. My biological father molested me for many years and I just recently found out he molested his step daughter too. Face Book is where I found him…n his 2nd wife….I thanked them both for their friends list. I will tell as my people who are willing to listen. I was the victim!!! Let’s be advocates for change…no more silence.
I am of Mexican decent.
Thank you for your article.
Vennisa
I to am a blk women in my late 20s , who has a step dad that molested me from the age of 11 to 15 years old while my mother slept in another room . They both where military me and my mom would fight all the time I guess because I was angry cause this was happening right under her nose. I moved with my dad when I was 16 told my dad which he told my mom parents and ask for advice on what he should do my grandparents told my dad and me to keep quiet because my mom just married my step dad and it would hurt her so we kept quite, he also made me call my mom and tell her which my step dad was right there in her ear telling her baby I wouldn’t do that don’t listen to your daughter and my mom had the nerve to keep quiet while I cried on the phone telling her what he did to me she didn’t want to believe but I feel she did kinda but she never left him since that day I never looked at my mom the same and I never will she doesn’t know what she did to me emotionally I’ll never forgive her. I got older moved out and my step dad stop of course years went by I had to talk to a therapist still did nothing to me inside. Now I have to move back home for a little while which turn in a few years with my mom and her husband he would text me weird message I wasn’t comfortable with and I had to stop him and let him know I’m grown now and I’m not going and leave me alone! Time went by he had a stroke came home and who does my mom ask to take care of him while she works even though he has 7 kids 1 who lives at home with us she ask me being the type of person I am I help but I feel like it’s a slap in the face because after all these years my mom knows what happens but choose not to think about it talk about I guess now me and her have relationship never did since I told her and she stayed with him . Now I’m raising a daughter and 3 boys I watch over them to my last breath I wish I knew how to help others like me .
Hi, I read your post and others about forcing our daughters to hug family members who are perpetrator I also personally believe that we should have that same attitude about our young boys. I am a spoken word artist and I wrote a piece titled
” Perpetrator.”that was inspired by God.
A perpetrator is someone who commits an evil act, who wins the trust of our children then abuses them in the act. It’s a neighbor, cousin, uncle, sister, friend, someone who says they’ll be trust worthy and cherished your seed to the end. Children are a blessing and a heritage of the Lord, they weren’t created to be abused, but to be loved and adored. Their collecting of beetles, bugs, and baby dolls without a care in the world, because they see good in all. The swinging on swings and the climbing of trees, the owies and boo boos on dry skinned knees. What others think may not be attractive, they see beauty in through their lens of compassion. Their quick to help and assist, a neighbor, family member, and those who are sick.
Their laughter is contagious and can make your heart feel glad, especially when you’re angry, upset, and even mad. Some people think that a perpetrator is a thug with a prison wrap sheet, but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong, so be careful of those you meet and be wise of those within your family circle, for there might be secret sexual sins that are hidden behind the bubble. Single mom’s and newly married one’s too, use wisdom and discernment when it comes to your Boo! Not every man’s mind has been renewed and washed clean, for some are still struggling with perverted shameful things. Mother’s don’t let your daughters run around the home half naked around your sons and their father’s, because the enemy would sure like to temp then with images, to get them hot and bothered. Make sure that your daughter’s are fully clothed and dressed, so that the enemy won’t violate, cause confusion, and stress, because of the list of the eyes and a flesh that won’t submit.
Mother’s let’s not forget our precious baby boys, for the enemy has no gender preface as long as he can destroy. Our sons are called to be Kings and Priest and to take domain over every living thing, but if the enemy violates them and takes their innocence away, then they can struggle with their sexual identity and start wondering if they are gay. There are a lot if men who struggle today, because the enemy had violated then at a very young age, so use wisdom and discernment when it also comes to your son’s and just don’t trust them with everyone, family, friends, uncles, boos, and even followers of Christ, and those who are preaching, but living a double life..
I’m not saying not to trust anyone, but to put your faith and confidence in the King of King’s, the one who has blessed you with your seed and offspring. Ask Him to give you wisdom when it cones to your child, who your child should or should not be around. Pray God’s word daily over your seed, that God wilk protect their mind and bodies. For the men who had been violated at a young age, you never have to worry about God shaming you, because of the pain you’ve endure and the trauma you’ve been through, for He took it upon Himself when He died for you.
God will go to the deepest, darkest, most shameful place within and pour out His spirit and call you His friend. He died on the cross to take away your shame and so you know longer have to hide behind the trauma and the pain. God wants to heal you of all open wounds, confusion, and fear and embrace you in His loving arms and draw you closer near.
I know that you had been bruised emotionally and physically, but it doesn’t mean that God can’t heal you and set you free. He knew what was going to happen before you did, when you were young and just an innocent kid. God wants you to release the person who committed the evil act, to forgive and release
them so you can take your power back. Take authority over your mind and heart today and tell the devil that he can not stay. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, the rulers of this age, and against spiritual hosts if wickedness in this present day in age. God loves You!
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Written by..
Towanda Smith August 19, 2015
We live in a Mock-Society, a Social-Media Society of TV, Twitter ,Email,Facebook ect. Black ,White ,Latin/Hispanic,Asian,Indian are all cultures/Races ,Human-beings living on our planet call Earth. The sad thing is our children copy us . They have all these outlets as examples on how to live . Myself as a Christian Black Woman with a Christian husband we believe in hugs, even at our daughter’s early age,but there was a limit to Who,Where ,When and Why . She is 26 years old now .She’s a very smart ,good and super -talented young lady. It is very ,verysad we loive in a world of Sickos where a HUG is an outlet to PERVERSION. .
This is heartbreaking Shantel. I am so sorry that you and others like you have been forced into silence.
Awesome…I wish I could repost your comment as a complete article…well done!
I am one of four children from my mother’s side (I am the oldest). When I was young I never understood why my maternal grandfather (gosh it feels weird even calling him that) had such a keen interest in me, but never on my other siblings. When I was about 8 he began picking me up (and only me) for “grandpa- granddaughter visits” which were really his opportunity to have me alone and molest me. This happened too I was about 10-11 (I can no longer recall) but I remember that after he did what he wanted, he would give me material things (nintendos, jewelry, clothes) and explain to me that these were rewards, and that what happened before were things that were normal but that should be kept secret. I kept quiet- I died slowly in pain on the inside- but somehow I managed to grow up as normal as I could possible be and become a productive member of society; broken, but productive. Up until I was in my early 20’s I was forced by my mum to interact with my grandfather, and although it was strange to do so I still did, but I know that when I glanced at him he knew that I could see straight to his soul and know the evil he truly was. But he didn’t care, he once told me (during what was the last time I saw him as an adult) to come and sit on his lap- I just melted on the inside, and simply walked away. Years later my mum and I spoke about this instance and why I had just walked away and disrespected her father, and I told her what he had done to me as a child. She didn’t believe me initially. Years after that while on a car ride, she told me that she did, and only because she had found out that her own sister had told her that their father had also molested her.
What I have learned from my experience now that I have a child is to always be vigilant about who you trust your most precious of gifts with, family or not! Always talk to your children and encourage them that you are a safe and non judgmental person they can trust with anything- little or small, and believe your children when they tell you things or when they start acting unlike themselves, and never ever force a child to show love to someone they do not want to and ask why as opposed to just thinking your child is being defiant or indifferent to a family/friend et al.
I hope and pray that many other people who have gone through such experience can heal and find peace and acceptance in the fact that it is not ones fault if this happens to them.
Ps I come from a Latino household so this happens across every nationality/race- abuse has no boundaries!
Much light and positivity
Eve