The Five Questions Needing Answering in Affair Recovery

Over the years I’ve often learned as much about affairs from clients as I did from reading the research and attending presentations by the experts. One episode that taught me some lessons was from Mike.

Mike cheated on his wife. He felt bad about it and wanted help in dealing with his situation.

One evening, he came in distraught. He began, “All she wants to talk about is the affair. She just keeps nagging me about it. What does she want?

His question of “What does she want?” stood out. It both expressed his frustration and was a legitimate question. Mike really wasn’t aware of what his wife needed from him.

Some cheaters really don’t have a clue what their spouse wants from them. The closer to disclosure, the less sure they are. They aren’t even sure what they need nor how to express it.

If they were more skilled in expressing their deepest needs, the less likely the affair would’ve happened (and their deepest need isn’t sex).

Truth be told, some betrayed spouses aren’t sure of what they want either, nor how to express what they need clearly.

This is why I am sharing a quick and simple list of the five pieces of information your spouse wants to know about the affair.

Who it was with?

When did it begin?

How long it lasted?

Was there sex?

Was sexual protection used?

They will likely want you to elaborate on these areas, yet this will get you started. Answering these five questions will open up the conversations in a more helpful manner.

When you need a place where you can talk with others about affair related matters, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There are sections of the betrayed, the cheater and even swingers depending on what your needs are.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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4 Responses

  1. Well I think those are excellent basic questions. In my situation, I asked those questions about multiple people. She could not answer all of it honestly. Skip forward a few years, there remains a huge level of distrust. Until someone is willing to be honest with the above, there is no forward motion. For me, there is no more discussion about that time frame. Until she is willing to put her words into action and sit for a polygraph.

    1. Anonymous,

      Thank you for writing. My hope was that in spelling out these basic questions it would help some couples start a dialogue about the affair. Avoiding answering these questions or lying about them makes trust tenuous. You need honest answers in order to start re-building any kind of trust. Without trust, forward motion stalls.

      A polygraph would give you answers, although it doesn’t give you a solid foundation for trust since you rely on technology rather than their own conscience. A polygraph also doesn’t give you their motivation for not answering honestly which becomes an issue in the marriage.

      The affair is an issue, yet their reluctance to discuss it and motivation for that reluctance add an additional issue to consider.

  2. I understand what you mean by not getting the motivation. Be it as she claims, not wanting to cause further hurt or the truth is really really bad. In my opinion, it will force her hand to at least be honest.

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