There comes a point in nearly every couple’s relationship when sex starts to feel—how should I put this delicately— lackluster. This is to be expected. Even the most passionate relationships lose steam after years of having sex the same way. Odds are there are plenty of sexual activities that you’ve thought about exploring but haven’t divulged to your partner. Well, my friend, now’s the time to share those desires and get a little kinky in the bedroom.
The word “kinky” can conjure up unsavory images: leather-clad ne'er-do-wells brandishing whips, the gimp in Pulp Fiction, and the terrible dialogue in Fifty Shades of Grey. But these are all extreme versions of kink and BDSM. Kink can simply be when you slap your wife’s ass or she calls you daddy.
Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to crank up the kink and add a little—or a lot—of spice to your flat-lined sex life. We spoke with sexual health experts and surveyed roughly 1,500 about their sex life. Sixty-five percent of people surveyed said they’d be down to experiment with some kink whereas only 35% said they’re vanilla. (Of note, only 24% of twenty-somethings said they’re “vanilla,” compared to 46% of people 50 or over.) So, there’s a decent likelihood that your partner is open to the idea of exploring kinks and fantasies in the boudoir.
Consider this a fun starter guide to kink's simpler pleasures. You're welcome.
How to talk about kinky sex:
It might be daunting to have a conversation about trying something new in bed before you're actually, you know, in bed. But it's crucial nonetheless: if you pull out your new moves in the moment, your partner might be caught totally off guard, and no one wants that. You want your partner to feel comfortable and excited about the experience, which is why you want to get enthusiastic consent before trying anything out.
That said, discuss your ideas and turn-ons before you hit the lights.
Start the conversation over a glass of wine at dinner—or in some other setting where you’re both comfortable and relaxed, suggests Sadie Allison, a doctor of human sexuality and author of The Mystery of the Undercover Clitoris.
It might be easier to begin this talk with relatively tame fantasies or role-playing ideas, says Allison. It may also help to ask her what she’s into first. That way, you’re making it about her desires as well as your own, she adds. When it’s your turn to share, be positive and confident about what you’re into. If you make a big deal about asking, or if you look terrified once you make the request, that could freak your partner out.
Also, be clear that you’re not expecting this every time you do it—only once in a while as a change of pace. “Most people can cope with doing kinky things consistently but irregularly,” says Tracey Cox, a U.K.-based sex expert and best-selling author. “Few want to do it every single session.”
And, above all else, don’t force things, Cox warns. If you’ve told her you’re interested in something and she says it’s not for her, putting up a fight won't change her mind. It’s simply disrespectful and a blatant disregard for her personal boundaries.
How to prepare for kinky sex:
Watching porn or reading erotica together may help charge you both up and make it easier to discuss new ideas, Allison says. If that sounds weird, just remember that Fifty Shades of Grey was a bestseller for a reason, and it wasn't because men were reading it. The chances are good that your partner’s interested in this stuff even if she’s never discussed it with you. And it’s a lot easier to simply say, “I like that” while watching or reading about sex than it is to describe your fantasy in detail.
Once you’ve agreed on some new moves, split your new sex initiatives into “his” nights and “her” nights, Allison recommends. Starting with her desires may be a good way to show her this is about both of you, which will make her more enthusiastic when it’s your turn.
It might also be helpful to ditch the kids. Dropping them off with your parents or getting away to a hotel for a night can help you and your partner disconnect from your distractions, Allison says. (A hotel is also a good idea because new settings can ease your transition into new experiences.)
How to have kinky sex:
Now that you and your partner are on the same page, there are plenty of ways to actually go about getting down with a little more flair than usual.
1) Tie each other up.
You don't have to use handcuffs or chains to add some kink to your sex life (though if you're interested in finding a pair, we love these silk chain link cuffs from the LELO Confession Couples' Gift Set.) You can start pretty small with some light bondage and restraint play.
"There is a sense of being erotically overwhelmed that comes along with being restrained, and many women find it quite passionate," says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned-and-operated sex toy empire. "Women are encouraged to understand themselves as objects of desire, and through bondage and restraint, there's an acting out of that."
During one of your romps, use your hands to restrain hers above her head. If she seems to like that (go ahead, ask), consider taking it further the next time around. You’ll want to ask her prior to make sure she’s into the idea of going further, but if she is, go ahead and grab neckties, silk scarves, or a pair of stockings the next time you get to it. Use gentle knots and give yourself access to all areas. Then resume what you were doing. Only slower.
"One time during sex, my husband said, 'Okay, you don't get to use your hands,' and that really added a whole new level," says Carley, 26. "We would take turns: He would hold on to the headboard and I'd do my thing, then we'd switch. I like feeling that he could just have his way with me and I'd be powerless to stop him. It's total trust, and that's sexy."
2) Try some light spanking.
Spanking can absolutely liven things up. "How hard one should spank depends on the person," says Emma Taylor, one half of the sex blogger duo Em and Lo. "Always err on the side of reserve, and gradually build up." Start with a light tap. If she laughs, laugh along with her. Consider a moan permission to continue.
3) Try orgasm denial.
Yes, many kinky folks live to achieve orgasms. However, denying that climax can make it even more intense. “For penis-wielders, this is typically called edging—forcing them to approach the point of no return without actually orgasming,” explains Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast. “Stop that dick from spurting multiple times until you finally have 'permission' to blow your load.”
“For vulva-havers, there's a great saddle-style vibrator called the Motorbunny that comes with an actual dial that goes up to 11,” Procida continues. “Have your partner communicate when they're close to cumming so you can increase or decrease the vibration. When they say, ‘OMG I'm almost there!’ turn the dial back down to a 1—just be prepared to get cussed out when you do!”
4) Dabble in role play.
Role play requires a herculean suspension of disbelief, but it can also pay off in a big way. Many popular roles (boss/secretary, teacher/student, stripper/customer) play on the theme of one person being in control, while the other is at his or her mercy. "These are strong dynamics, even in healthy and fun sexual relationships," says Jean Mone, a New York City sex therapist. "They allow the woman and the man to enact their fantasies in a way that won't leave them feeling vulnerable."
For a public thrill, go to a bar where neither of you will be recognized. Arrive 20 minutes apart and try to pick her up, pretending you've never laid eyes on each other. Always wanted to blatantly hit on a hot stranger? Now you can. You're not going for an Emmy here—just great sex.
"We did it as a goof, giggling when we first met at the bar," says Julia, 24. "But after we realized how much the scenario was making the dynamic between us different, we quickly set the scene for some of the most memorable sex either of us has ever had. The role play allowed me to show a different side of myself that both of us enjoyed. We summon my inner hussy on a monthly basis now!"
5) Bring in a stranger.
If learning a kinkier sex act seems intimidating, adding an 'unknown' person to an otherwise vanilla bed can make things spicy. One of you arranges a stranger to join one evening to pleasure your blindfolded partner. “Tinder, Feeld, and FetLife are great resources for new recruits if you alter your bio. A properly-placed Reddit ad will allow you to pick from a large volume of applicants,” Procida says. “And if you have ‘those kinds of friends,’ you can always ask Jennifer if she wants to anonymously go down on your girlfriend with you.”
However, it’s necessary to communicate all of the boundaries with the soon-to-be blindfolded partner before you reach out to people, so you can then effectively communicate those with your special guest star. The blindfolded person's comfort and safety is paramount. “It's incredibly hot to get blindfolded alone in a room with your partner, feel an extra tongue or set of hands-on your body, then only see your partner in the room when the blindfold comes off!”
6) Use a frozen sex toy.
You don't need to actually heat things up to make your bedroom hotter. Lowering the temperature can heighten the sensations when that Tinder date starts getting too used to your usual moves. “Get a good glass dildo or buttplug and place it in the freezer. Lightly drag it along your partner's naked body, teasing it closer and closer to their genitals,” Procida suggests. “Work your way up to inserting the toy—it's a pleasurable shock to the system!” Note: Try this with glass or stainless steel toys only (otherwise you’re likely to destroy your toy!).
7) Showboat for a stranger.
Threesomes or sex parties can be intimidating. A good way to ease into playing with others is to be watched by others. Arrange someone to come over and watch you and your lover get intimate. “Be very upfront and clear that this is a no touching situation,” Procida says. “Also give thought to how physically close you want them to be. Do you want them in an armchair in the corner sipping whiskey or do you want to be able to hear their heavy breathing right next to you? Are they allowed to touch themselves or not?”
There are numerous ways to arrange this type of threeway. You can even leave your hotel room door propped open, so the person you recruit can quietly come in, watch, and leave without disrupting your flow.
8) Block out all noise.
While blindfolds are the classic form of sensory deprivation when it comes to kink, earplugs (or noise-canceling headphones) provide yet another way one can be more submissive, relinquishing control to their partner.
“Not only can plugging your ears block out any distracting background noise, but you can use earplugs to tease and control a bound lover who becomes aroused by the sound or the thought of your sexy voice,” says We-Vibe sexpert and author of the Little Book of Kink, Dr. Jess O’Reilly. “As they watch your lips move and hear the muffled reverberations of your words, their hunger for your voice and your body will build to a whole new high.”
9) Tickle them senseless.
Fetish Fantasy Frisky Red Feather Tickler
Not all kink is a painful, intense, or life-altering experience. Some forms of kinky sex are playful and just plain fun, like what’s commonly referred to as “tickle play.” “Some of the hottest kink involves gentle, teasing sensations ‘inflicted’ by the softest of materials including feathers, silks, and furs,” O’Reilly says. “Tracing an unused feather duster or a long-stemmed decorative feather along the contours of your lover’s blindfolded, bound body can send them into a fit of pre-orgasmic passion.”
10) Have a safe word.
If you want to take it a few steps further and ramp up your play, just make sure you agree on a safe word ahead of time. "Saying no might be an integral part of the fantasy, so make sure your safe word is something totally out of context," says sex educator Jamye Waxman. Try something like "peanut butter," "Seattle," or "toy boat."
What to do when you're done:
In the end, remember that your relationship is more important than the experience you’re having in the moment, Cox says. Give your partner a gentle hug and a kiss afterward, and tell her how much you enjoyed yourself. You should also check-in and see how she’s feeling. See if there’s anything she needs from you. (Maybe she needs cuddles, water, or something else.) In the kink community, this is commonly referred to as “aftercare,” and it’s done after every BDSM or novel experience.
Sometime in the next few days, talk about what you both liked—and what you didn’t—to ensure you walk away from the new experience feeling satisfied and willing to try it again soon.
