50 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids
Erase these common phrases from your vocabulary.
Some of the common phrases — positive and negative — you rely on when dealing with your kids can have lasting effects on their development. Watch what you say!
"First, this just isn't true. Second, one of the most damaging things for a child is the un-lived life of a parent. Lastly, this leaves the child with no place to put their hurt and anger. They think, 'If mom and dad are selfless and do everything for me then how can I be angry at them? The problem must be me,'" says Brad M. Reedy, Ph.D., cofounder and clinical director of Evoke Therapy Programs and author of The Journey of the Heroic Parent: Your Child's Struggle and the Road Home.
"When a compliment is immediately followed by a 'but,' it places the focus on the negative instead of the positive. All the positive reinforcement, self-esteem boost, and motivation gained from the compliment are lost as soon as 'but' is uttered," explains Adelle Cadieux, a pediatric psychologist at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital.
Every parent wants to believe their child is a genius in the making, and having high academic expectations of them can help them do better — up to a certain point. Put all the emphasis on grades and achievement and it will backfire, making them do worse in school, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
"The number one job of a parent is to stay calm no matter what happens. Aside from the fact that we usually say things we later regret when we're angry or frustrated, staying calm also models for our children how we want them to behave. This is especially true for parents of kids who tend to get easily upset," explains Timothy Gunn, a licensed clinical psychologist.
When it comes to getting kids to eat a healthy diet, the science is clear: Focus on the benefits and delicious taste of healthy food, not on negative perceptions of their weight. Commenting at all on weight only worries kids and hurts their self-esteem, according to a study published in study published in Eating and Weight Disorders.
"Children who are overweight or obese can benefit from nutritional changes; but calling a child fat is hurtful and does nothing in providing guidance for how to slim down," says Kimber Shelton, psychologist and owner of KLS Counseling and Consulting Services in Dallas, TX. "Negative body labeling and shaming feed into a culture of disordered eating and unhealthy body images."
Telling kids a food is healthy backfires big time, say researchers from the University of Chicago. Instead of focusing on nutrition, kids assume that anything healthy will taste bad and reject it. Want your kids to polish off their broccoli? Tell them how yummy it tastes and how much fun it is to eat it.
On a bad day, you may see yourself as an ugly fat slob, but your child sees you as the most beautiful, amazing human who has ever lived — and they want to grow up to be just like you. So when you criticize your body, not only are you denigrating someone they love, you're teaching them to feel the same way about their bodies, say researchers from Notre Dame.
"Saying that you used drugs as a kid validates the use of drugs for your own children. Even if your child doesn't respond by saying, "And you're okay now," that's probably what they're thinking. Your children will model their behavior based upon yours – if you're not educated enough to explain to your kids why taking drugs is dangerous, don't give them tacit license to use because you did," says Dennis Poncher, author and founder of the support group network Because I Love You.
"It's important to allow children to cry and show their emotions and frustrations. They need to know it is okay to feel happy, sad, angry, or whatever. Besides, we would never tell an adult to stop crying, so why should we say it to children?" says Richard Peterson, the vice president of education for Kiddie Academy.
"Even if something isn't a big deal to you, it can be a big deal to your child. Telling them that it isn't invalidates and shames them for their emotions. Not only are they then upset about the original issue, but they're ashamed or embarrassed about how upset they are on top of that. These comments never ever help anyone – children or adults – actually feel better or calm down," explains Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD, director of early childhood training at Ramapo for Children and Founder of Little House Calls.
"If they would, they could! You can never get through to a child when they're throwing a tantrum. Instead, the best thing to do is remain calm yourself, don't take the bait, and be patient while validating their feelings," says Denise Daniels, parenting and child development expert and inventor of Moodsters.
"Children are not lazy. Often, there's an underlying reason as to why they aren't able to accomplish what's being asked of them. Parents attack a child's self-esteem and self-worth with this statement. And let's face it, none of us have ever been motivated to do better by being called lazy," says Stacy Haynes, a child psychologist.
"This phrase is typical in most households but it doesn't usually get anything done faster, except for making children feel more stressed," says Ariel Kornblum, a child psychologist in New York. "It's better to be specific about what needs to happen next."
"If you have to endlessly repeat yourself ,then you need to rethink your communication strategy. Nagging never works; kids have very selective listening and they'll tune you right out. Instead, try asking open-ended questions to get to the root of what's going on," says Daniels.
"You can't expect kids to act like adults because they're not adults. If a child is doing a behavior that seems babyish, look at the situation," says Daniels. "Often they revert to old behaviors when they're nervous, anxious, or scared. Instead of shaming them, listen to their feelings."
"Children look to adults to validate their feelings and experiences, so when you dismiss them it makes them feel like they don't matter. If you don't understand why you child is doing something, ask them, and then try and remember an experience when you were in a similar situation," Daniels says.
"This is hurtful because the child learns to deny their needs and their self. Most people lose themselves in childhood and spend the rest of their life trying to find it," Reedy says. "What's really happening here is that the parent's capacity is limited, and they're asking the child to get smaller to fit into their needs."
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