Dear Lisa, Is It OK To Date My Old Flame?
Hi Lisa,
I’m going on divorce #2, first time I was married 21 years, now I’ve been married three out of a 9-year relationship. My current husband walked out without warning. I know it’s too soon to date as the divorce is barely in process and we were back and forth for a while trying to save it.
I made the mistake of finding my very first boyfriend from high school on Facebook. Over the last 30 years, he has tried to apologize for dumping me to date one of my good friends. Now he is literally throwing himself at my feet.
He’s successful in business, which is nice for any woman to want to date. He’s been through 3 marriages as he says none ever took my place. He’s begging me to let him make it right and would do anything for me.
However, I feel no physical attraction to him anymore, and that is important to me. I am still sexually attracted to my soon to be ex, although I’m not acting on that.
They just are very different, and my old boyfriend, although he could make these older years comfortable (current husband did not contribute to the household bills but loved nice things, I got tired of working for everything and got bitchy), I am just not attracted nor ready to date yet. He won’t take no for an answer, and when I told him no it’s like I devastated him. Should I let this catch go, or give him a chance? Thanks, Gina
Gina,
You have a couple of issues going on here. You say you are still attracted to your soon to be ex. You don’t say why…but is it possible you are feeling this attraction because you can no longer have him? Often we want most what is the most elusive to us.
Take a good look at what your ex brought to your relationship and whether it was enough for you besides a physical attraction. If you look at what you wrote above…. it doesn’t sound like it.
Ok, now for the old boyfriend….for now at least, consider letting him go.
Why?
#1-You aren’t attracted to him
#2-He cheated on you back in the day. Men change but the man has had 3 marriages…do you know what really ended each one?
#3-It’s nice to be financially secure but in the long run, without the heart connection….you will feel lonely in this relationship and there is nothing worse then loneliness in a marriage.
#4-You are not responsible for how devastated he may or not feel. You are only responsible for how you feel and from what you say…you don’t want him. Honor yourself.
You sound very self aware and when you say you’re not ready to date then DON’T!
You’ll know when the time is right for you to get back out there.
Consider taking this time to get to know you again and enjoy your life as you heal from your soon to be ex. And be sure you are over him before you bring him to the dating table otherwise 3 not 2 are on a date and hanging out in your next relationship. Keep us posted on what happens.
Dear Lisa,
A couple of weeks ago, I met this great guy through a mutual friend at a party. We talked for about an hour and then exchanged numbers. We had such a nice conversation, but he didn’t call me, so I decided to call him. After talking for about an hour, we decided to meet for drinks, and had a really nice time. He said he’d call, but it’s been over a week and he still hasn’t. Should I call him again because I really like him? Annie
Annie,
The answer is DO NOT CALL HIM. A man’s actions speak louder than his words.
If a man takes your number but he doesn’t call you, it means he’s not interested in a relationship with you. By the way, let a man ask for your number… don’t offer it.
Asking you for your number is a sign a man’s interested in pursuing you further.
A man can have had the absolute best time talking with you, but if for some reason you don’t fit that picture in his head of who his woman needs to be… he’s not going to call.
Men do not like to disappoint you. He will take your number if you offer it first and say you’ll get together sometime or he’ll call…yet chances are if he didn’t ask for it he will throw it in the nearest garbage can once you are out of site.
This is a man’s way of not hurting your feelings…something he really doesn’t want to do.
It’s also why he ignores your texts or emails or Facebook postings about having such a great time. He got them….he just thinks by doing this behavior he’s not hurting you even though he is.
Always go on a date thinking…I’m just meeting someone new and interesting versus wondering if this man is the one. It will safe you a lot of heartache and grief and it will keep dating far more fun and interesting.
Click this link if you have dating questions of your own you’d like answered.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
Your Next Steps to Love after 50. . . .
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