The 5 Best Things About Each Midwestern State

To many, the Midwest is simply a super-polite, cheese-mongering section of the country observed from a coach seat in a cross-country flight. But those who live there, or have even spent time there (no, watching Fargo doesn’t count), can attest that greatness can be found in every corner of every gosh-darned state in the Midwest.

As a primer, we’ve identified the five greatest things about each state in the region that everybody should be more familiar with (especially as they’re priced out of California and New York). And that’s just the tip of the iceberg… which you can also see in the Midwest. Because it kind of has everything.

1.Deep-dish pizza: Coastal snobs consider the status of Chicagoland’s native foodstuff as actual pizza debatable (it’s more akin to a casserole than, say, New Haven-style apizza, according to some assholes who don’t know what they’re saying), but when the results are as gooey, pillowy, and downright delicious, why bother arguing? Even bastardized versions of Chicago-style pizza are pretty damn good!

2. Daytrotter Sessions: This quaint little music blog based out of Rock Island catches national acts like Wilco, Spoon, and Bon Iver on their way in and out of Chicago and sends them on their way with a lovely watercolor painting and an intimate recording session that rivals BBC’s famous Peel Sessions in their clutch. It’s a veritable one-stop shop for up-and-coming bands that you’ll inevitably hear at a store in the mall within the next six months, so get on it while the gettin’ is good.

3. The Second City: With funnymen (and women!) like John Belushi, Bill Murray, Tina Fey, and hundreds of others amongst its notable alumni, this Chicago-based improv theater is and has been the Mesopotamia of SNL-caliber comedy talent for five decades and counting.

4. A sneakily underrated BBQ scene: Did you know that Southern Illinois BBQ is a thing? If you didn’t, you need to go to 17th Street Bar & Grill in Murphysboro and have yourself some ribs.

5. Horseshoes: AKA the greatest open-faced sandwich experience you’ve never heard of. Copious amounts of white cheese sauce and French fries are involved. It’s like if you gave a hungover guy license to create his own menu item, and that item became a regional delicacy.

1. Indianapolis: Bars stay open ‘til 4am, the city’s main drinking districts are all within a $5 Uber (often operated by sweet old ladies with a bowl of hard candy in the back seat) of one another, and the drinks are crazy cheap in this disturbingly underrated Midwestern metropolis. It’s also the only major city in the state, which means the best and brightest Hoosiers who haven’t defected to Chicago are making an applaudable effort at keeping Indy young and hip.

2. Three Floyds: Back off, Chicago, this real gem of a brewery is technically in the state of Indiana, although the advantage of not having to get a whiff of Gary on the way to Munster is yours.

3. Tenderloin sandwiches: Oh you went to a fish fry the last time you were visiting family in Wisconsin? How cute. In Indiana, they pioneered the art of the pork tenderloin sandwich, a pounded-flat cut of pork sent into the deep fryer and served on a tiny, tiny bun. It’s comically large, contains enough calories to make a horse feel sluggish, and is by far the manliest thing to come out of the state of Indiana (sorry John Mellencamp). And while hosers in Iowa politely contend they created it, we’re going to believe the claim laid out by the Hoosiers at Huntington’s Nick’s Kitchen, which has been clogging arteries since 1908.

4. The Kinsey Institute: You’d have a hard time believing this institute for sex research was in Indiana if it weren’t for the 2004 Liam Neeson movie Kinsey, but there it is at IU in Bloomington, fighting the good fight against prudishness on the taxpayer dime. Science!

5. Klipsch Music Center: Phish Heads need no explanation here, but the average Midwestern music fan has likely thought long and hard about spending a weekend camping and getting weird in Noblesville before catching a show at this epic amphitheater. It’s always worth it, but remember to call it Deer Creek in mixed company, lest you’d like to be labeled a n00b by the strangers with the 6ft bong in the next tent over.

1. Iowa State Fair: No state besides Texas comes close to Iowa’s ability to deep-fry anything, and the Hawkeye State’s butter-statue game is on point. God bless America!

2. RAGBRAI: Known by cyclists across the country as one of the finest slices of Americana available to two-wheelers ever, The Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa is exactly that -- a trans-Iowa journey that offers breathtaking views (and hills! Iowa has hills!) of a state that’s got a lot more going on than cornfields and butter statues.

3. Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival: The Internet can’t agree on whether hogs outnumber Iowans by 3-to-1 or 4-to-1, but the fact that bacon rules is an indisputable part of American life. If you disagree, the first of many questions we have for you is, “What the hell are you doing on this site?!”

4. Writers' Workshop: With literary heavyweights like Raymond Carver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Flannery O’Connor topping its impressive list of alumni, The University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop is like the MIT of American prose.

5. Slipknot: A stretch, we know, but we’ve seen the alternatives Midwestern youth have to showing their allegiance to this nu-metal powerhouse by getting barcode tattoos on their necks, wearing weird masks, and banging on trash cans. They include cow-tipping, going to church, or, even worse, devoting their lives to Insane Clown Posse (thanks, Michigan!), so their rabid devotion to this masked band of weirdos seems tame in comparison. Plus, when they’re in town, your city is virtually void of their fans for a few hours. Thank them later.

1. Lawrence: Home to college basketball’s model program, an excellent brewery, the best bar in the state, and some really great emo bands, Lawrence has long since transcended its college-town status and is now among the most livable hubs of Midwestern culture. The random toll road to get there from I-70 is superfluous, but it’s definitely well worth the pocket change.

2. Kansas City (the Kansas side): Ask anyone from a coast which state Kansas City proper is in, and they’ll either give you the wrong answer (it’s in Missouri, not Kansas) or shrug and wonder why they should care. There’s also the other Kansas City -- the one in Kansas -- and we’ve got one great reason for you to care: Schlitterbahn. Home to Verrückt, the world’s tallest water slide. You’ll be picking at atomic wedgies all day long when this epic water resort is open in the summer months. Suck it, Texas!

3. ICEE: No beverage quenches the thirst one works up while spending the summer days of their tween years skateboarding in the parking lot of a Target than an ICEE, and we have an enterprising Dairy Queen owner from Kansas to thank for this delicious beverage.

4. Shockingly good coffee: Kansas gets a lot of shit for being boring to drive through, which is true to some degree… and means you’ll need an IV drip to make it out alive. Between Topeka’s PT’s Coffee and Wichita’s Reverie Roasters, the latter of which is a personal favorite of Alton Brown, you’ll have more than enough quality caffeination to avoid stopping at a Flying J or Pilot station to make it to Colorado or Missouri in one piece.

5. Wheat: You didn’t have to waste three hours of your life on Interstellar to wrap your brain around the importance of advanced agriculture. Just walk outside, find yourself a sandwich, and thank America’s largest producer of that golden grain of goodness for the delicious brown barrier that makes the thing handheld and edible at the same time.

1. First Avenue: Anyone who’s seen Purple Rain knows the venerable home venue of The Purple One well enough, but its place in the burgeoning Minneapolis ”college rock” scene of the '80s and early '90s is worthy of a nod as well. DIY luminaries like Hüsker Dü and The Replacements, as well as modern underground hip-hop heroes like Atmosphere and Brother Ali, are atop a long, long list of noteworthy indie acts whose careers were kickstarted at First Avenue.

2. The attitude: The stereotype of most Minnesotans having a cloying, gee-shucks disposition is something they’ll politely decline to argue against, but no one will disagree with the assessment that their rich Norse heritage makes for handsome manly-men and classically babelicious women. Remember the tall blonde girl you got goofy with at a wedding last year who then woke everyone up the next morning with a huge breakfast and freshly chopped wood for the fire? Definitely a Minnesotan.

3. Surly Brewing Co.: As we’ve already established, Minnesotans are a hearty bunch. So hearty, in fact, that their beloved export to the craft beer community is brewed in a factory that used to make industrial abrasives. The aptly named Abrasive is an IPA that’ll have the sturdiest ice fisher shouting “Uff da!” after a single pint, and Surly’s Coffee Bender is a great way to start a day-drinking session in style the morning after.

4. The lakes: Between party time on Lake Minnetonka, ice fishing on Lake of the Woods, and the boat punks of Lake Winona, Minnesota is boss when it comes to year-round aquatic recreation. Speaking of lakes...

5. Duluth: This lakefront gem of a town affords Minnesota's only Great Lake a bullet point of its very own. Lakeside activities abound and mingle perfectly with a city that’s equal parts college town and small-ish Midwestern city, making Duluth a surprisingly wonderful detour if you happen to find yourself traversing the north country with a day or two to kill.

1. Kansas City: KC has always been a top-notch destination for music, but the arts scene -- anchored by the Kansas City Art Institute and generous endowments from the Kauffman Foundation -- is pushing the Midwest’s westernmost metropolis beyond its perennial up-and-comer status.

2. Barbecue: Low-hanging fruit, we know, but KC’s smoky-sweet style of ‘cue is pretty much the template for what passes as America’s default brand of barbecue goodness. Best to get it from the source, right?  

3. Baseball: Love ‘em of hate ‘em, the followers of the Royals and the Cardinals are the very definition of fandom for small-market American sports franchises. That is, they show up, cheer like crazy, and drink enough overpriced beer to keep things interesting on the off chance that the home team is in the crapper. Speaking of macro brew...

4. The invention of American lager: Let’s take a moment to pay our respects to the macrobrew powerhouse that is St. Louis’ Anheuser-Busch. The company created the beers that fueled everything from your tailgate parties to bonding experiences with generations of your family that wouldn’t otherwise be able to stand each other without a few Buds. But, more importantly, AB changed America by being the first stateside beer to get pasteurized, allowing it to be transported everywhere and changing the entire game. That all started in St. Louis, and gives us a reason besides weird pizza and brain sandwiches to celebrate.

5. The Ozarks: As much as we loved the hillbilly wasteland Jennifer Lawrence had to comb through to find her dad in Winter’s Bone, the Ozarks are actually a lovely place for outdoorsmen of all stripes, as well as frat dudes who love boats. Fun for all! Except Jennifer Lawrence.

1. Runzas: Whether or not they come from the chain of fast-food restaurants bearing this German hot sandwich as its namesake (trademark and all) is irrelevant -- we know a fancy Hot Pocket when we see one, and we love every hot and melty inch of these things.

2. Mail-order steak: Love beef? Hate putting on sweatpants and leaving your house to get it? Mail-order meat courtesy of Omaha Steaks to the rescue!

3. Warren Buffett: It’s hard to love mega-billionaires in the post-Occupy, us-vs.-them political climate of the moment, but when one of the richest people chooses to stick with his hometown and vow to donate 99% of his profits to charity, it’s hard not to love Warren Buffett.

4. The angst-ridden music of Omaha: The first wave of Omaha’s Saddle Creek Records was pivotal for dudes who wore plaid shirts and their hearts on their sleeves in the early 2000s, but the glory days of Cursive and Bright Eyes aren’t all the label had in the tank. New acts like Hop Along and Icky Blossoms are bringing the feels just like the Conor Oberst and company did a decade ago, and it’s hard to not love every gut-wrenching moment of it.

5. The Malcolm X Foundation: Though his family quickly decamped to Wisconsin and then Michigan (a Midwest trifecta!), the Malcolm X Foundation calls Omaha home and remains a vital force in the struggle for social justice in the USA.

1. Oil!: Thinking about vanishing to Alaska to make some cash in a cannery? Why not jump on the fracking boom that’s gifted North Dakota with the highest growth in millionaires per capita in the country! Think of how many condos in whatever cool city you left for the American Dream you can buy when all's said and done!

2. Fargo: A fine town (with fine beer and burgers) and an even finer movie for which we’ll never look at wood chippers or Oldsmobiles the same way again.

3. Weird food records: The Peace Garden State is home of some impressive food records. Over two tons of French fries were consumed at the 2006 Potato Bowl USA, and a 3,591lb hamburger was consumed in 1982. Gluttony is always a sign of greatness in statehood. Hey Wyoming! What have you done for America lately?

4. Theodore Roosevelt National Park: People often refer to North as the lesser of Dakotas, citing its lack of a certain geographical je ne sais quoi, but those people have never explored Theodore Roosevelt National Park, which includes a section of Badlands, sprawling hills, river valleys, and roaming buffalo. Do you really think T.R. would allow a park to be named after him if it were flat and boring?

5. Phil Jackson: This NBA coaching mastermind cut his teeth playing college ball at the University of North Dakota, which makes it a surprise that the Fighting Sioux haven’t developed a more storied program around the 11-time NBA champion coach’s legacy. Recruiting must be an uphill battle for UND, given the, uh, lack of hills in the state (except at No. 4).

1. Affordable cities: Gentrification got ya down? Move to Ohio! With four cities in CNN’s top 10 of America’s most affordable cities, you may as well buy a house in Akron or Cleveland and bank on global warming causing them to be cool by default in 20 years.

2. The Heart of It All: If Ohio’s three major cities weren’t enough for you, its convenient location on the western edge of “the East” makes it a great place to call home if you’re in the business of packing up and leaving every other weekend. With Detroit and Chicago just a few hours from Cleveland or Columbus, and New York no more than a half-day’s drive away, it’s no wonder Ohio’s biggest export these days is ambitious young folks. Don’t worry, they’ll be back to buy a house when they’re 35.

3. Higher education: No other state its size boasts such a diverse portfolio of institutions of learning with pop-culture bona fides as its alum. Whether you’re keen on majoring in jazz drumming or underwater basket weaving alongside aspiring Lena Dunhams or Karen Os at Oberlin or partying down like Arsenio Hall or Paul Newman did at Ohio University, the Buckeye State basically has it all.

4. Weirdo music heroes: With all due respect to Alan Freed and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, it’s the punks and the malcontents that really put the music of Ohio on the map. Power players like Trent Reznor, Tool’s Maynard James Keenan, and The Pretenders’ Chrissie Hynde top the list of more well-known acts from northeast Ohio, but freakish agitators like Bob Pollard, David Thomas (of Pere Ubu, not Wendy’s, though that’s also from Ohio!), and the guys from Devo are the real inspiration for art-damaged outsiders of the Midwest and beyond.

5. Masochistic sports fandom: There are six major sports franchises in Ohio (seven if you count soccer... so, six) and they’re pretty much all terrible. Whether you’re into rooting on an annual laughing stock (the Browns), a mediocre squad led by a ginger who can’t make it past the first round of the playoffs (the Bengals), or one of two MLB teams who are basically the minor leagues for the Yankees and the Red Sox, Ohio’s got ya covered!

1. Cheese: Though the stupid hats Packers fans wear are laughable and embarrassing, cheese is a legitimate art that’s taken very seriously in America’s Dairyland. It’s basically the Napa of cheese production, and it even has a historic trail devoted to cheese-related tourism, because this is America and it doesn’t get much more American than cheese tourism, now does it?

2. Door County: Minnesota wins this one on a technicality, but Wisconsin is a perfect example of how “more” doesn’t always mean “better” when it comes to lakes. If you’re looking for an authentic Lake Michigan experience, look no further than this popular “up north” region that’s teeming with verdant shorelines, sandy beaches, and enough townie bars to keep even the surliest cheesehead fat and happy all summer long.

3. Tailgating: Whether tailgating or the holy trinity of beer, cheese, and brats came first is a riddle for the ages, but Wisconsin has the tailgating situation on lockdown either way. They’ve even figured out how to fit all three foodstuffs into one item for maximum efficiency!

4. Madison: A powerhouse for food and drink. An annual contender for top party school in the nation. A 40-minute drive from the fruity funk of New Glarus Brewing. A formidable music scene buoyed by the guy from Garbage who produced Nirvana’s Nevermind. It’s basically heaven on Earth disguised as a college town, and anyone who disagrees can go jump in a lake. Luckily, there’s one right there. And over there! And look, there are a couple more! And they’re purty.

5. Dad beer: Lawnmower beer? Yeah, Wisconsin literally invented it, and thus finally bridged the gap between your weird, mustache-sporting uncle and the weird, ironic mustache-sporting hipsters of the world. Blatz, Miller, Leinenkugel, Schlitz, Pabst, Old Milwaukee, the Beast… all Wisconsin-born, and predate words like “IBUs,” “fresh hops,” and “initial gravity.” (Also, there are tons of breweries that are totally cool with those words, because Wisconsinites really like beer.)

1. It’s two states for the price of one: Michigan is more than just a Mitten, and both peninsulas are amazing wonderlands unto themselves. Under the Mackinac, you’ve got Detroit and other metropolises, vast forests, coney dogs, and the shores of Lake Michigan and Huron. In between, you’ve got a big-ass bridge and the wonders of Mackinac Island. And Up North, you have pasties, people who call you a troll, the Porcupines, and the spectacular Lake Superior shoreline. Driving from the base of the Mitten to Copper Harbor is like driving across the country, with all the geographic diversity and isolation included.

2. The basic invention of American music: Oh, sure, you can claim jazz and blues as the purest of American music. But The Temptations, Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, The Isley Brothers, The Supremes, Michael Jackson, and others will live on at every wedding reception 'til the end of time thanks to Motown. And that’s to say nothing about MC5, Iggy, Madonna, Eminem, and Jack White.

3. The Great Lakes: Other states have “pretty good” lakes. Michigan has lakes that are basically like oceans, except there are no sharks and stingrays to screw up your placid floating. Add in nearly 3,300 miles of shoreline featuring everything from sand dunes to Petoskey stone rock spires and the Pictured Rocks and you’ve also got some of the world’s best beaches.

4. The beer scene: Grand Rapids is making a play among the best beer cities in the country with the likes of Brewery Vivant and Founders. But between Jolly Pumpkin in Dexter, Short's in Bellaire, The Vierling and Blackrocks up in Marquette, and Traverse City representing one of the best small-town beer scenes in the country, Michigan could supplant Oregon, Cali, and Colorado as the nation’s go-to beer destination.

5. Stubborn pride: Detroit and Flint constantly land on the list of the most violent cities in America, though talk to anyone from them and you’ll experience a stubborn pride and hope for a comeback more inspirational than Rocky and Rudy combined. Add in an Upper Peninsula that thinks it should be the 51st state (or its own country) and the legion of Walmart Wolverines who insist Ann Arbor is the sporting epicenter of the universe and you’ve got a recipe for unheralded pride.

1. The Badlands: They found water on Mars, guys! But guess what. There’s always been water in the Badlands, and they look like Mars, but with extra prairie dogs and no three-boobed space prostitutes or Arnolds. It’s one of the most jarring landscapes in the country, and one of the reasons SoDak is the most underrated state in the Union.

2. The Black Hills: The black mining hills of South Dakota may most famously be home to Rocky Raccoon, but they’re also where you’ll find sparse canyons, huge lakes, the Needles Highway, the real Deadwood, the Sturgis Rally, and more fool’s gold than the whole of Matthew McConaughey’s filmography.

3. Roadside attractions: South Dakota has some of the greatest roads in the country. And on the side of those roads? How about a Corn Palace? Maybe a huge cave underneath the surface of the Earth? Or a dinosaur museum, with a ghost town down the street? Wall Drug?! Oh, and there’s some thing about a bunch of presidents blown into the side of a mountain with dynamite. Your move, everywhere else.

4. Beef: You’re in cattle country, friend. So here’s a tip: if you walk into a restaurant and see a bunch of dudes in dusters and cowboy hats eating a big-ass steak, or a bunch of deep-fried tenderloin tips, or chislic, rest assured that you’re going to get some quality beef. Especially since those dudes probably knew their steak’s cousin.

5. Camping: Wide-open spaces? They aren’t just for Dixie Chicks. (Actually, don’t mention the Dixie Chicks at all… their politics are not welcome here!) Between Custer State Park, the Glacial Lakes, the river valleys, the Black Hills, and the hidden spots nobody wants to disclose, this is basically one of the best camping spots in the US. Just make sure to check the weather first so you don’t get hit by a snowstorm in effin’ July.

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Pete Cottell spent 29 years in Ohio and he's tired of restaurants serving him bowls of ranch dressing instead of soup. Follow him to the land of cheap beer and cheaper real estate at @vanifestdestiny.