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So, you say you want to have hard conversations. Obviously, you are reading content from The Good Men Project whose tagline is “the conversation no one else is having.” So, you must be ready! But how prepared are you really to experience genuine discomfort?
Why tough subjects are so d*mn hard to talk about
There is a reason most of us typically avoid hard conversations. The fact of the matter is that it requires some leveling up. An awareness of our own consciousness and skill level. You have to ask yourself:
- Am I ready and able to talk about things that trigger painful memories, and surface my own hidden demons, biases, and rigid beliefs?
- Can I come face to face with the place where there is no hiding, blaming, or escaping?
- What is my capacity to dive into my own subconscious tendencies so deeply that I wonder if I’ll ever arrive back at the surface?
- Do I have the skills, resources, tools, and know-how to come face to face with my own flaws, fears, defensiveness, and armor—no less share those with others, and connect with them in my most vulnerable places?
- How well do I function in conflict, especially in cases where others hold passionate, fiery, and opposing views?
Now, let’s really kick it up a few notches…think about having hard conversations with those closest to you—the ones who know your hot buttons, soft spots, failures, and fears.
If we’re being honest, for many of us the answers to some or even all these questions are disturbing or at the very least, discouraging. Hard conversations instantly trigger our well-worn habitual patterns, past traumas, defensiveness, and other unwanted feelings and unconscious behaviors. This means we end up having the same old discussions over and over without any new insight, understanding, appreciation, learning, or growth. In truth, that’s what we usually get, regardless of how noble our intentions may be.
Our greatest challenge is not that we lack the desire to go deep, tackle problems, and overcome challenges in our relationships with others, but a lack of know-how when it comes to putting our thoughts and feelings into words. In ways that foster greater connection and understanding—the building blocks of real change. The quality of every relationship—in terms of depth, longevity, fulfillment, and intimacy—is a direct reflection of the quality of our relationship communications.
Conversation Block™—a skill-building tool purpose-built for hard conversations
To have conversations no one else is having, you must have communication skills no one else taught you.
It was this exact insight that led one incredibly talented and conscious man to his shop where he hand-crafted what would become the first Conversation Block™ prototype. Paired with extensive research into psychology, relationship theory, and communications science, Conversation Block™ was then officially launched as a proven educational and relational tool to help facilitate healthy, meaningful, and productive relationship communications. It enables people to find the common ground necessary to have hard conversations while increasing their capacity to respectfully honor differences.
The tagline for Conversation Block™ is “the art of conscious communication”. As its co-founder I’m biased, but in my opinion, no two organizational missions are better suited for each other than The Good Men Project and Conversation Block™. In order to have conversations no one else is having, conscious communication skills and practices must be learned, and then put into practice.
Same old relationship communication problems meet the same old playbook
We recently sent out a survey to identify the habits, relationship arguments, and communication tactics couples typically use, along with things individuals would most like from their partners. Not surprisingly, the #1 topic that couples argue about is not listening to each other.
Often the trouble is that the volume in our head is turned up way too loud. We’re not taught to listen beyond each other’s words—to their energy, body language, facial expression, tone, and tenor—with the sole intention of empathizing with how they feel. Instead, the voice in our head tends to make quick judgments, think about what to say next, defend ourselves, armor up, or double down to win. We don’t stop to ask the other where they are coming from…what makes them think that way? Also over time, as relationships gain longevity, we tend to drop our curiosity toward the other and assume we know everything about them.
In case a lack of listening isn’t challenging enough, those surveyed admit to using ineffective tactics and falling back on counterproductive habits. Any of these sound familiar?
- Redirecting the conversation
- Avoiding the real problem and inflating smaller issues
- Sweeping issues under the rug
- Hanging issues over their partner’s head
- Blaming their partner
- Using the silent treatment
- Yelling or screaming
- Arguing in front of others to get sympathy
- Leaving or walking away (without returning later to resolve it)
- Downplaying the importance of an issue
Let’s be real. Having conversations no one else is having will decidedly involve conflict. People disagree sometimes, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing—you have the right to have a different opinion from others. What’s important is that you communicate effectively and in a healthy way that allows you to understand each other better. Conflict resolution isn’t rocket science, but it is a learned, and practiced skill. There is a real need here. Based on our survey results, relationship communication skill-building is needed to counteract our well-worn playbooks that get us nowhere and to open us up to greater possibilities, deeper connection, and growth. In fact, the top ten skills people wish to learn and improve are:
- Creating deeper connections
- Making reasonable clear requests
- Transforming blocked conversations into the seeds of closeness and intimacy
- Reducing misunderstandings
- Improving active full listening skills
- Building harmony by finding common ground
- Changing the narrative—recognizing what is real versus the story in your head
- Reducing judgments and replacing them with observations
- Surface hidden, underlying issues and assumptions so they can be addressed
- Using heads-up warnings to prepare your partner and prevent armoring-up or defensiveness
Not only are these the most longed for, they’re also the most studied. Neuroscientists, communication theorists, social/relationship scholars, psychotherapists, counselors, and educators have compiled the key principles of healthy, meaningful relationship communication. That’s exactly why those principles along with professional therapeutic techniques are embedded into the Conversation Block™ method. So we don’t have to just wish.
Tips for having better, hard conversations
To have conversations no one else is having means you must become a conscious communicator—being deliberate and intentional about how we express ourselves so that we nurture our connection and strengthen the lines of communication between us. In addition to using a tool like Conversation Block™, here are some tips to start improving your hard conversations.
- State your objective: While it can feel silly, especially if the other person is aware of the intended purpose, it does help gain clarity. You may wish to re-center yourself before beginning.
- Set aside personal agendas: The number one rule is to realize that misunderstanding is the enemy. Not each other, no matter what you did, he/she did, or someone else said. Not the incident that’s out of your control. When you consistently work to understand one another, you both win together. That is a far better feeling than any individual tally.
- Listen with your heart, not just your head: Take time to work out concepts with your partner while practicing heart wisdom over brain logic. Talk out what makes the ‘most sense’ using emotional intelligence. Practice compassion while getting in tune with your body.
- Be open and curious: No matter how much you think you’ve figured out your partner, realistically; you may only know half of it. After all, how aware are we of our own thoughts and processes? To truly come closer to an understanding, requires intentional focus and genuine inquisitiveness.
- Be authentic: Solutions are found when they come from a place of authenticity. Try to avoid people-pleasing or perfection. If it feels awkward, it’s okay to say so. Be true to yourself.
- Respond versus react: Your partner brings up a sensitive topic. With the best intention, they claim you hurt them. Instead of quickly replying out of self-defense, ask them honestly, what do you think my intention was? Your goal is to understand one another’s thought process. Where is reality not lining up with emotional- or ego-driven thinking?
- Be mindful: Balance intentional listening with an awareness of your own internal dialogue.
- Ask clarifying questions: Not everything your partner says is going to resonate with you or result in a resolution. Ask if they can explain things in a different way. Don’t be afraid to say you don’t understand and ask for an example to help clarify things.
- Stay open-minded: Part of what makes a relationship fulfilling is that there’s always more to learn about each other. There is more to explore, and greater depths to plumb. This realization is exciting! Be willing to look for new growth opportunities. Ways to evolve. Openness to change is sexy.
- Be brave: There are two forms of courage in this world. One that demands we jump into action with our armor on. The other demands that we strip ourselves bare-naked and surrender. Bravery is a curious thing that way. Be sure you’re manifesting the right one at the right time.
Real, substantive, lasting change of any kind—in intimate relationships, on work teams, or at the social and cultural level—stems from three things: 1) continually striving to see and understand another’s point of view, 2) seeking to find common ground, and 3) sincerely honoring and respecting differences. Improving and practicing these skills and approaches will naturally increase your ability to have fruitful, productive, connected, and healthy hard conversations—the ones no one else is having.
We’d love to hear from you…what can you add to this conversation?
- What subjects do you find most difficult to talk about? Why?
- What recurring challenges do you face in your relationships?
- What techniques have you tried to work through conflict, and which are the most successful?
- What are the conversations no one else is having that we need to, and where would you start?
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This content is brought to you by Jennifer Simmons.
Photo: Shutterstock