One of the things that distinguishes (most) adults from (most) children is their level of emotional self-control. A friend and I used to laugh about what it would be like if grown-ups - especially in business - acted like little kids. For instance, imagine in a meeting where the CEO didn't get her own way, if she were to throw herself on the floor, start thrashing around and yelling, "I want it I want it I want it!" Or if someone were critical of the head of marketing's new logo design, he burst into tears and began sobbing, "You're mean - I hate you!" (I know there are some grown-ups like that - but, fortunately, they're a minority.)
I'm now observing my 2-year-old grand daughter start to learn the kind of self-control that's needed to operate with others in the world. She's finding out that demanding, pouting and hitting don't work. These are early lessons: later on she'll find out that some things that may work short-term - yelling at your friends, taking their stuff - aren't effective long term strategies. It's reminding me that learning and exercising a high degree of emotional self-control is key to good leadership, and, in fact, to career success overall.
My business partner and my husband regularly send me "blog fodder" - articles they find interesting, and that they think might spark a blog post either here at Forbes or at my erikaandersen.com blog. Just today my partner Jeff sent me a beautifully-written, insightful article from the NYT by Nancy F. Koehn, about Abraham Lincoln as a leader - and especially about Lincoln's emotional self-control.
She talks about the dreadful emotional toll the Civil War took on Lincoln - a horribly long and bloody war, where nearly every decision he made caused violent disagreement, even among his own followers, and where he was pilloried mercilessly in the press through the conflict. Lincoln's beloved 11-year-old son Willie also died during the war, and accounts of the time seem to indicate that Lincoln suffered from some form of clinical depression, as well.
And yet, Lincoln didn't crumble. In fact, he stayed focused on his vision of a healed, democratically governed nation, one where slavery would be a thing of the past. And even when those who served him didn't fulfill their commitments or made terrible mistakes, he stayed balanced and mature in his interactions with them. For instance, Koehn tells this story of a choice LIncoln made after the Battle of Gettysburg:
Consider Lincoln’s emotional state after the Battle of Gettysburg in July 1863: Lee’s retreating forces had escaped south into Virginia and out of the Union Army’s reach. Lincoln was frustrated and furious. He composed an angry letter to Gen. George C. Meade, who had commanded the Union forces at Gettysburg, writing him that Lee “was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war.” He added: “Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it.”
But Lincoln decided not to mail the letter. Instead, he placed it in an envelope labeled “To Gen. Meade, never sent or signed.” There is no question that Lincoln had cause to lament the general’s inaction...but he recognized that he couldn’t afford to alienate him at such a crucial time.
Instead, Lincoln established Gettysburg as a rallying point for the Union cause: offering in the Gettysburg address a clear and inspiring rationale for the war; letting everyone know why he thought a Union victory was essential to the future of the country.
We may not be faced with the level of wrenching emotional difficulty that confronted Lincoln on a daily basis. But as leaders and entrepreneurs we are at the effect of difficult events, of obstacles and setbacks, of disagreements with others - and also of our reactions to them. When we lead, our decisions affect others' lives and happiness, as well as our company's financial success or failure. The emotional stakes are high.
Getting and staying clear on what's important to us - the vision for our organization and the values in dealing with others that seem worth our effort, even our discomfort - is the first step to behaving as emotionally intelligent leaders.
The second step is take the lessons in self-control that we each started learning as children of 2 or 3, and apply them consciously and consistently. When you feel panicked or overwhelmed, and the urge to run away, or lash out, or deny reality gets strong...you need to just stop. Take a breath. Remind yourself of your ultimate goal, whether that goal is an outcome you want to achieve or the kind of person and leader you want to be. Ask yourself: "What's the best thing I can do right now, in order to keep moving toward what's important to me?" And then turn away from fear or anger - and do that best thing.
If you just keep doing that, day in and day out, 150 years from now people might be drawing inspiration from your life, as well. And even more important, you'll know that you lived up to your own expectations of yourself.
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Check out Erika Andersen’s latest book, Leading So People Will Follow, and discover how to be a followable leader. Booklist called it “a book to read more than once and to consult many times.”
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