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Tips for parents feeling the back-to-school blues

Children aren’t the only ones who wrestle with back-to-school emotions. Parents too often ignore their own mixed feelings.Craig F. Walker / Globe Staff/Globe Staff

For parents, and for children, there may not be a more stressful day of the year than the first day of school. New supplies? Check. New clothes? Check. Alarm clocks set? Check. Bus stop time confirmed? Check. Reminders about not talking to strangers and looking both ways before crossing the street? Check. Check. First-day picture taken? Check.

Now what's the teacher's name again?

But lost in this scramble to get our kids ready are the true emotions parents are feeling. While they are usually beaming with pride on the outside, on the inside, it's a little more complicated. And sad.

Don't dismiss or ignore those emotions, says Dr. Maureen O'Brien, a psychologist and the curriculum and training manager at Families First in Cambridge. If anything, embrace them, accept them, talk about them, and make sure your children understand they will have good days and bad days. Just like their parents.

"It's a very common feeling parents have, this time of year," she says. "We talk about how transitions are hard for families, and in the process parents forget about themselves because they are so busy preparing their kids. There is a flurry of activity as school year begins and then the reality hits. My baby is growing up. A transition maybe from elementary to middle school means a child is becoming more independent. The parent realizes they are not asking my opinion anymore. It's a great sign of growth and independence."

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But all the joy of a return to some sense of a normal schedule also comes with a tinge of sadness about turning another page in life. The back-t0-school blues.

The American Psychological Association has a few tips for dealing with them. They might seem obvious, but the reminders are always good:

Practice the first day of school routine: Getting into a sleep routine before the first week of school will aide in easing the shock of waking up early. Organizing things at home — backpack, binder, lunchbox or cafeteria money — will help make the first morning go smoothly. Having healthy, yet kid-friendly lunches will help keep them energized throughout the day. Also, walking through the building and visiting your child's locker and classroom will help ease anxiety of the unknown.

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Get to know your neighbors: If your child is starting a new school, walk around your block and get to know the neighborhood children. Try and set up a play date, or, for an older child, find out where neighborhood kids might go to safely hang out, like the community pool, recreation center or park.

Talk to your child: Asking your children about their fears or worries about going back to school will help them share their burden. Inquire as to what they liked about their previous school or grade and see how those positives can be incorporated into their new experience.

Empathize with your children: Change can be difficult, but also exciting. Let your children know that you are aware of what they're going through and that you will be there to help them in the process. Nerves are normal, but highlight that not everything that is different is necessarily bad. It is important to encourage your children to face their fears instead of falling in to the trap of encouraging avoidance.

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Get involved and ask for help: Knowledge of the school and the community will better equip you to understand your child's surroundings and the transition he or she is undergoing. Meeting members of your community and school will foster support for both you and your child. If you feel the stress of the school year is too much for you and your child to handle on your own, seeking expert advice from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, will help you better manage and cope.

With parents so caught up in just the practical side of back-to-school routines, they tend to ignore themselves.

"Awareness is the first step," O'Brien says. "Maybe you're not as excited as you're pretending to be with your your children. It's a very common shared feeling. It's very helpful for parents to connect with each other. It takes away some of the sting to recognize you're not the only one."

She said Families First tries to normalize the stress for parents. "Change is good for chilren," she says. "We talk about that. You shouldn't try to make it all postiive. It's okay to acknowledge sometimes there will be a bad day."

Putting a "relentlessy positive spin" on school, she says, does a "disservice to the kids."

Let children know there will be good days and bad days, "but I'm here to talk about it."


Doug Most can be reached at dmost@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @Globedougmost