Untying the knot: the rise of the midlife divorce

‘I’d arranged to go out with some friends and my husband said, “But I thought we were watching 24 on TV,”’ says Yve, who is 60 and lives in Doncaster.

‘Even though we could have watched it any time, he was adamant. He felt that family came first and expected me to be there – even if “being there” meant watching TV.  

‘I’ve looked after myself so I expect to live quite a lot longer. In that moment I realised “this is not what I want for the next 30 years”. I wanted more,’ says Yve who, until her divorce four years ago, worked with her husband at his clothing business. 

‘Having subordinated myself to my husband and our son throughout our marriage, there was a real erosion of “me” but I stayed because I wanted our son, who is 18, to grow up in a family.’ 

Yve is one of a growing band of women who view their 50s and 60s less as the start of old age and more as the start of a new chapter. Statistics show that for many this means ending their marriage.

Although divorce rates have fallen to their lowest level for 40 years, the number of couples over 50 who are separating has reached an all-time high. Nearly 60,400 people over the age of 50 got divorced in England and Wales in 2013 – a rise of 11 per cent in a decade.

‘When I told my doctor I was divorcing he said, “Most women over 50 who get divorced thrive; it’s the men that don’t,”’ remembers Yve. ‘That was a bit of a spur for me.’ 

Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt confirms she’s seen a huge increase in women getting divorced in their 50s. ‘It started 10 years ago and I thought, “There’s something going on here.” Women whose children are grown up are saying, “We no longer have to stay together.” They want adventure but their men don’t. Many women have said to me, “We’ve done our time, now we’re free.”’ 

Lloyd Platt says that longer life expectancy, plus the increasing financial independence of working women, are also factors. But, perhaps most importantly, there has been a sea-change in society.

‘Divorce is no longer a disgrace,’ she says. ‘I really think it’s the continuation of a women’s liberation revolution.’  

As a result, women in their 50s, who may once have stayed in an unsatisfactory marriage, are more likely to have the confidence to reinvent their lives. 

‘It wasn’t easy at first,’ says Yve. ‘I was very sad and coming out of a cocoon of couples was hard. The first years were challenging financially and at first I thought, “What will I do? Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop.” But my divorce lawyer helped me get my own weekly radio show; plus I look after a local theatre and I’m helping someone with their record career. I’ve made lots of new friends and I’m really enjoying life – I feel like myself for the first time in 30 years.’

Of course, not all midlife divorces are instigated by women. ‘I also see women in their 50s whose husbands have traded them in for a younger model and they feel abandoned and crumpled,’ says Lloyd Platt.

‘But I have seen some amazing stories of hope; women who never worked, but who get very good settlements and go on to do things they never thought they would. They start a business, they go travelling, they date or retrain for a new career. They take off like a rocket and suddenly they’re too busy to babysit their grandchildren.’

This was the case for Susie Mackie, 58, who at 50 found out her husband of 16 years had been having an affair. ‘The gut-wrenching pain was extraordinary,’ says Susie, who was doing a degree in photography at the time, but earned her own money as an interior designer during the marriage.

‘It knocked me for six, but with two children, I had to pick myself up and carry on. It was a sink or swim situation and I thought, “I ain’t going to sink.” College became a sanctuary and I set my sights on getting a First, which I did, and that gave me the confidence to start my own photography business.’ 

Using her divorce settlement and a business loan, she set up mysensuality.co.uk, a photo-shoot service that she describes as, ‘helping women to look and feel fabulous’. 

She now sees her divorce as a positive change. ‘I got through the pain and came through it stronger and finally, at 58, I have a true sense of self-worth,’ she says. 

‘Splitting up is traumatic, whoever instigated it,’ says divorce coach Sara Davison, author of new book Uncoupling: How to Survive and Thrive After Breakup & Divorce. ‘But increasingly women are realising it can also be a golden opportunity to redesign their life.’ 

Davison believes it helps that dating is a lot easier now too: ‘You don’t have to go to bars to meet people; you can sit on your sofa and chat to a few different guys on one of the various websites specifically for women in their 50s, like datingover50s.co.uk and mylovelyparent.com.’

Money, of course, also plays a part and women who earn are more likely to have the luxury of choice. 

Kate Evans*, 63, who has always worked full time, was married to her husband for 26 years before deciding to leave. ‘On paper we had everything,’ she says. ‘Two wonderful children, a four-bedroom detached house, good jobs, two cars, lovely friends and several holidays abroad each year.

‘But something was missing and I was unhappy, which I hid by drinking. I tried to be the perfect mother, wife and friend, with a gorgeous, tidy house and home-made meals on the table every night, which my husband expected, even though I ran a retail business and worked as hard as him. 

‘At 49 I’d had enough. I stopped drinking completely and a few months after turning 50 I realised I didn’t want to be with him any more. Three weeks later, he left and although it was initiated by me, it was fairly mutual I think.’ 

For Kate, the impetus also came from looking at her own parents. ‘My mother was trapped in an unhappy marriage but belonged to the “grin and bear it” brigade. Years of repression and acquiescence meant she didn’t have the tools to leave and she didn’t have the will either.

‘Breaking up is hard; it’s much easier to just carry on, but I’m really glad I took the plunge. I didn’t want to be like my mother.’ Kate went on to marry again when she was 60 and has now set up a business with her new husband.

Not everybody wants a new man in their new chapter, though. Since her divorce, Yve hasn’t dated anyone else. ‘Not at all,’ she says. ‘I like the freedom. I’m doing work that I love and have friendships I value.

'How would I fit anyone else in?’ I can’t think of giving that kind of dedication to another person in the way I used to. But also, I had my sense of self taken away during my marriage. Now that she’s back, I want to keep that person – she’s good fun!’

*Name has been changed