The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Conch Blocked

The Real Housewives of New York City is like the Crossfit of the Housewives franchise: These women practice quick-circuit drama, not meant to rid you of your dead weight relationships, simply to improve your strength and agility for future fighting. And they can recover from calling each other manic [elegantly omit f-bomb here] asshole know-it-alls in five minutes flat! Maybe that’s how these keep those bodies in peak-macrame shape—we certainly know it’s not from Sonja Morgan’s patented cork wedges workou, which made its debut last episode.

I’m filling in this week for your resident Sonja-whisperer, Tim Stack, as we navigate the waters of whether it’s lovelier to casually say the f-word or to scream it in a public restaurant while proclaiming how inelegant it is. Jury is still out—“TO BE CONTINUED”—but I do know this much: This episode started with an argument, there was a post-lunch argument, argument-prep at dinner, the resulting argument at the next day’s lunch, and ended with one final dinner blowout to grow on. As always, I stand in awe of the sheer stamina.

But everyone swears they had a grand ol’ time in Turks and Caicos. It certainly looked beautiful, they got to wear all their most confounding bikinis, there was that one brief moment where they weren’t fighting, just pulling each other’s swimsuits down like what would happen if you put a “Bravo” Instagram filter on the Coppertone girl—that looked like fun. And I guess anything can seem fun if you make the martinis dirrrrrrty enough.

We pick up where we left off with Ramona tottering around saying they should go to Bug-a-boos for lunch; if that is a Destiny’s Child themed restaurant, I side with Ramona, but Bethenny has spent all this time making them a salad in a child’s-size canoe for lunch so she gets pretty annoyed and tells Ramona she’s acting manic, to which Ramona manically nods her head in agreement. They yell at each other (across that pool that’s probably experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by now) that they’re both going to do exactly the opposite of what they’d prefer to do so that everyone will be equally miserable while eating their lettuce, and eventually make up by thinking back fondly on a different dumb fight they had at the beginning of the season. Memories!

At lunch, while everyone layers the water-based vegetables in their stomachs with a nice, hearty layer of day drinks, Ramona gives this stirring toast: “I find girlfriends are the most important thing because you can confide in them… and they can help you with your business ideas.” Ah, yes, the joys of female friendship. So Ramona confides in them that she’s going to write a book and wants help with the name and Bethenny confides in Ramona that her idea is shit and her book will be shit because her life is shit right now. Ramona seems cool with this because she gets a potential book title out of the deal (the very terrible “Work in Progress”) but Heather has about had it with Bethenny being a total know-it-all.

And since Bethenny has supersonic hearing—in addition to probably knowing every fact about supersonic hearing and working on a book, a line of headphones, and a marketing campaign for supersonic hearing—she overhears Heather talking smack from the kitchen and heads right across the Pool of Doom to “light this thing up.” Mostly that means Bethenny telling Heather she can say any problems she has with her straight to her face, Heather telling Bethenny she thinks she is a know-it-all, and Bethenny confirming her suspicions: “Maybe I know it all. So, if you would like to know any of it all, come to me and I’ll tell you.” They continue to light it up down on the beach for a while because that’s where all the best arguments and egg-based breakfasts take place, but then they just decide to get over it and pull each other’s pants down. Not a euphemism.

NEXT: Ramona learns the dangers of flirting chest-first…

For dinner, the whole crew heads to a fun outdoor bar where they continue to wear the silk dresses and tutus that make absolutely no sense no matter what part of the island they go to. And this is where everyone actually does have a good time—they dance, they pet stray dogs, they yell at each other for petting stray dogs, and Ramona orders Fireball shots for everyone which prompts this exchange:

Sonja: “What is that, cinnamon stuff?”

Ramona: “It’s tequila!”

Well, that cinnamon tequila must really get Ramona in “the zone” (zone parameters are still unclear) because when she hears that there’s a handsome man in the area—or according to Heather, a man with “a nice chest and arms”—Ramona immediately evacuates the premises to sniff him out. When she finds this meaty set of chest and arms, he’s talking to Carole and Bethenny who he has mutual friends with; but their general presence doesn’t deter Ramona, who uses her own set of chest and arms to turn his back to the other women and ignore them completely. The rest of the ladies still have fun, but make no mistake, this will be addressed. Everything that happens ever must be addressed.

The next day, Bethenny has to leave while the other ladies head to a resort for the day where among the seven of them I think they’re wearing 18 monokinis. Ramona and Sonja head over early so they can get in lots of quality time spraying each other in the butt with sunscreen and making the hotel staff uncomfortable. But mostly because Ramona probably knows the others are annoyed with her and are going to be “buzzkills.” Indeed, when lunchtime rolls around Ramona is met with some iciness because, per Carole, “She has no man game and no girlfriend code.” Ramona keeps insisting that she was “in the zone,” which might account for her ignoring everyone but doesn’t account for her telling Carole, “I’m sorry if you were offended. You know, you’re f—ing some 28-year-old!” Carole deftly tells Ramona to keep her relationship out of her mouth and not to characterize her 28-year-old boyfriend by his ability to f— her. Remember this word… it will come up again.

Actually, you know what, let’s do this now. There’s some nice paddle boarding montages and a lovely conversation between Carole and Dorinda about their late husbands, but everyone knows when you’re on a beautiful island with your friends and not a single thing to worry about, the fun just can’t last forever. The women head to a fancy dinner where everyone gets tanked on martinis, which leads Ramona to censoring an f-bomb she was about to drop; which leads Heather to ask her when she stopped saying the f-word; which leads to Ramona saying she picked up saying it in the first place because Heather curses like a sailor; which leads to a casually sexist conversation about what mothers should and shouldn’t teach their daughters…

Which somehow leads Dorinda to screaming at Heather with a piece of rice on her lip that has more staying power than the entire Real Housewives franchise combined about how her mother raised her to “be the most gracious and the most beautiful woman,” which means not saying the f-word in certain settings, all while screaming the f-word in a very public setting with a look in her eye like she’s actually about to start f—ing shit up. It is very confusing. Mostly it is very drunken. Maybe just extra-dirty and hold the martini altogetherfor Dorinda next time.

Listen, this episode was 45-minutes of straight arguing on vacation, but it was still hilarious. And this entire season has just been a countdown to next week when the Countess/The Dude herself utters what is sure to be the line of all 2015 television: “Be cool. Don’t be all… uncool.” What have you thought about the trip to Turks and Caicos so far? Sound off in the comments and use as many elegant f-bombs as you’d like!