Mistresses recap: Into the Woods

We open with Joss and Harry in bed. I guess I’m supposed to be feeling the afterglow and how cute they are being (and they are), but I’m incredibly distracted by how good these two look. Like, who wakes up looking like this? But whatever, the idea here is that they’re grinningly giddy about taking a trip to intimate-town. Joss asks the classic what-are-we question, and Harry answers “Happy,” which I think is a great answer but Joss doesn’t seem to think so. She rolls over and looks downright worried. Or maybe she’s just thinking about whether she has morning breath?

Calista’s cheating, jerky husband is berating some department store guy on the phone. He sure seems swell. Calista doesn’t waste any time: she confronts him about the model who claimed she slept with him. Luca is all smooth talking and saying the right dismissive things about that chick and all the others. Seems like someone has all the answers, wouldn’t you say? Calista, however, is visibly softening. When he tells her he wants to celebrate their 10-year anniversary because the date still means something to him, you can actually see how badly she wants to believe him. Ruh-roh.

April is waiting to meet Lucy’s headmaster. In he walks and heeeeellllo handsome! April gets all flustered till she hears why she’s been summoned. Lucy’s GPA has dropped, which puts her scholarship at risk. Lucy is also forging signatures too—these are all bad signs. April explains about the whole dead dad not dead then dead again thing, and Headmaster Handsome agrees to cut her some slack. He also encourages her to think about sending Lucy to some outdoor retreat, cause hey it worked for his kid. The thought bubble above April’s head reads clearly: Drat, married! Of course!

Marc is charming Harry at the Wunderbar with his stories of working in Sydney and partying with some dude name Spike. Harry asks him to make him a drink and Marc complies to both Harry and Niko’s (ugh) satisfaction. He gets the gig but doesn’t tell Harry he’s in recovery when Harry tells him to make himself one. Hmm.

Vivian comes to Karen’s apartment to talk. She’s worried that Alec is having an affair: what other possible explanation could there be for him being out of the office all day and not returning her calls? Karen informs Vivian that in fact Alec was with her all day. Why wouldn’t Alec tell his wife about this? Vivian, understandably, is shook and leaves. We, like Karen, are left to wonder why ourselves.

When she talks it over with April, Karen says she feels guilty and she doesn’t know why. April, bless her, is like: well why didn’t he tell Vivian? Karen is concerned and is dying to get herself totally all up in these people’s marriage, you can tell. Just then though, thank goodness, Joss comes in with a falsely cheery, “I slept with Harry!” She’s freaking out, it seems, because Harry didn’t jump to define what they were besides saying he was happy. The other women gently point out that Joss, historically, hasn’t been all that great on the commitment front. Joss decides maybe Harry needs more reassurance.

Calista fesses up to Joss—who clearly isn’t buying a word of new leaf Luca—that she still has feelings for Luca and he has feelings for her. She talks a lot about how long their marriage is and how they built it together and blah blah blah. Joss’s face says that she thinks her new friend and boss is nuts but is down to help regardless.

Karen has a weird hallway chat with Dr. Alec, which mainly involves him pulling lint off her neck. Oh boy.

NEXT: Joss tries to take her new relationship to the express lane

Joss goes to the bar to see Harry. She deals better than I would with the shade thrown her way by Niko and is sweet as pie to Marc. Before you know it, she and Harry are making out and cutely intimating they want to get a house together. Slow down you two!

No way says Joss, who promptly calls in a favor and strong-arms Harry into leaving work even though his schedule is packed to look at what she says is the perfect house.

Karen goes to Vivian’s house and learns that Vivian is basically worked up because she and Alec haven’t had sex for more than a year. She doesn’t know how to fan the flames. A lightbulb appears above Karen’s head. Noooo, Karen! You traditionally have terrible ideas!

Headmaster Handsome is leading the outdoor education. Lucy won’t even take her headphones off and is sassing April like a champ. She disappears to gather firewood and when April goes to look for her she comes upon HH splitting some wood with no shirt on, like something out of a fairy tale. She takes a tumble and he runs to assist. Swoon.

He feels her ankle up (with a tank top on) and listens to April about her Lucy problems. He tells April being a single parent isn’t easy and she’s all, but aren’t you married? Turns out his wife passed away years earlier. April’s eyes fill with empathy and lust.

Luca and Calista have dinner and are having a great time strolling down memory lane. It’s all seemingly great till he presents her with a gift, which she may-or-may-not-correctly suss out is really all a ruse to present her with his side business, some unattractive jewelry line. He gets a drink in the face and she storms out.

Over at Karen’s house, Vivian tries on one of Karen’s dresses. She looks stunning! But she tells Karen that she’s feeling awfully unsure of herself and her attractiveness. Karen goes into warmth overdrive, telling her how vital and amazing she is and how they’ll bring that side of her back out.

Joss and Harry come out of the realtor appointment and are decidedly not on the same page. He’s not thrilled with the house and she’s not thrilled that he’s not thrilled. He, reasonably, is like pump the breaks: We just started looking. She—like the former real estate agent she is—explains how important timing is for this sort of thing. Harry is all, let’s wait it’s not meant to be. She takes that WAY too much to heart.

And, Calista. Ohhh Calista. She starts strong and tries to kick Luca out of the house and instead goes to bed with him. Afterward, he tells her he’s sorry and that he wants to start over. You guys, this guy is totally bad news, right??? I also worry about this 10-year anniversary marker—isn’t that when all the celebrities break up?

Lucy goes missing at camp and Headmaster Hottie helps April find her. She turns up, thanks to a park ranger, and was caught smoking cigarettes and could have caused a wildfire. Lucy tries to keep up her sass front, but April isn’t having it.

Ugh, Joss and Harry. She shows up at the restaurant and pulls Harry away from a busy shift to show him a house online. He’s like, girl, cool it—I’m working. She freaks out and has a full on meltdown that he’s having second thoughts. And doesn’t this kind of bad behavior seem totally realistic? Harry stays pretty calm till she pulls the I-lost-my-sister-I-can’t-casually-date-you card and then he gets mad. He’s like oh so this is all about Savi? Great.

But afterward, when he’s talking to Marc, he seems to think he’s been a jerk. His instinct is to go see Joss (correct) but gets called away for an important meat order (hate when this happens) and only has time to send her the horrific text message “We Should Talk.” She, of course, thinks it’s bad (but he was just in a rush! Texting is so hard sometimes!) and she writes him that she’s sorry and asks to come over. Harry, unfortunately, has left his phone on the bar and that evil monster hot bartender Niko casually erases Joss’ message. Ugh, I hate her almost as much as I hate farce!

But the real twist comes at the end of the episode. Karen and Vivian are smoking weed and having a great time. Karen even tells Vivian about Tom and some other married dude she once was in love with. Vivian intuits correctly that Karen is being so nice because she’s trying not to act on her feelings of attraction toward Alec. Then Vivian admits this all turns her on. This leads to Alec coming home and what looks to be the start of a threesome!! EEGADS, Karen!