What To Know About Oldest Child Syndrome and Birth Order

Your oldest is a take-charge kind of kid, while the baby of the family is expressing a streak of rebellion, giving major "youngest child syndrome" vibes. Meanwhile, your middle is the face of diplomacy and compromise. If these personality quirks sound familiar, it could have to do with the order in which your children were born.

Birth order only explains a small part of who we are, but personality variations definitely exist between siblings, says Frank Sulloway, PhD, author of Born to Rebel. "It's the roles siblings adopt that lead to differences in behavior," he says. And parents tend to reinforce these roles, whether they realize it or not. Keep reading to learn about how birth order might influence personality differences between your only, oldest, youngest, or middle child, and what you can do to support each of your kids.

Oldest Child Characteristics

Since firstborns follow their parents' lead, they often like taking charge and may have oodles of confidence, says Kevin Leman, PhD, author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are. That's because they don't have older siblings to tease them when they learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike.

In addition, adults take them seriously, and that boosts their confidence. So, when parents gush over the oldest sibling's "firsts," it motivates them to achieve. Anecdotal evidence of this: Dr. Leman recounts a corporate seminar he conducted for CEOs in which 19 of the 20 attendees were firstborns.

It's easy for ambitious firstborns to become perfectionists; after all, they see adults coloring inside the lines and pouring milk without spilling. Your firstborn wants everything just so, Dr. Leman says, and they want to get things right the first time. To this end, they may resist pouring their own milk or coloring on their own because they don't want to make mistakes. Unfortunately, these perfectionist oldest child traits also mean firstborns may have trouble admitting when they're wrong.

It's not difficult to see how firstborns can become so tightly wound: New to their parenting roles, first-time parents can be overprotective and tentative while being strict and demanding, says Dr. Leman. Research supports this observation. This parenting style can lead to "oldest child syndrome" and the conscientious desire to overachieve.

Tips for parenting your oldest child

Since one of the biggest themes that come up with oldest child characteristics revolves around roles of leadership and responsibility, parents can make a positive impact on their firstborn by helping them avoid the trap of perfectionism and adding balance in three key ways:

• Lower expectations. Parents tend to view firstborns as role models for younger siblings, which can be a lot of pressure. "Watch for the effects of stress," cautions pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton, MD, co-author of Touchpoints 3 to 6: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development. Also, avoid using "should" language—as in, "you should've known better."
• Offer privileges. While you're doling out extra responsibilities to your oldest, grant some privileges, too, like a later bedtime.
• Ease up on responsibility. "It's easy to put too much responsibility on the firstborn," says Dr. Brazelton. For example, while your oldest might volunteer to bring the baby a toy when they're fussy or hand you a diaper, don't expect their help all the time.

Middle Child Characteristics

Middle-born children are often entirely different from their older siblings. "Once a role is filled by the firstborn, the secondborn will seek out a role that's completely the opposite," Dr. Leman says. "Middle child traits are the hardest to categorize, but whatever traits they develop play off the first born," he says.

That's because middle-child personalities emerge in response to how they perceive the next-oldest sibling in the family. So, for example, if the older sibling is a parent-pleaser, the middle child might rebel to get attention.

In the eyes of the middle child, the oldest siblings reap all the privileges, and the babies get away with everything, so middles learn to negotiate to get what they want. "Middle-borns are the most willing to wheel and deal," Dr. Sulloway says.

They are agreeable, diplomatic, and compromising, and handle disappointment well. They have realistic expectations, are the least likely to be spoiled, and tend to be the most independent. Because they often feel left out, they tend to gravitate toward friends outside the family.

Tips for parenting your middle child

If one word could capture the spirit of being a middle child, it might be "compromise." Parents can help their middle child feel more special by showing them they don't always have to feel caught in the middle. Sometimes, they can shine bright on their own. Here are three suggestions to help your middle kiddo feel appreciated:

• Offer gratitude. Thank them when they step in to mediate a sibling squabble.
• Prioritize friends. Respect their need for peers, and create opportunities to meet new friends at the park or on playdates.
• Have one-on-one time. Firstborns have their parents all to themselves initially, and lastborns often do once their other siblings grow up and leave home. But the middle kids almost always have to share parental attention. So, set aside extra time for your middle child to make them feel special, recommends Dr. Brazelton: "Do it for every child, individually, but especially for that middle child."

Youngest Child Characteristics

Since they are no longer first-time parents, parents tend to let things slide once the last child comes along. As a result, lastborns usually get away with more than their older siblings do, says Dr. Leman. They shoulder less responsibility, so the youngest child tends to be carefree, easygoing, fun-loving, affectionate, and sociable, and they like to make people laugh. In one poll, parents overwhelmingly named their youngest child as the funniest.

But being the youngest isn't all roses. Because lastborns view their older siblings as bigger, faster, and smarter, they may attempt to differentiate themselves by being more rebellious, says Dr. Sulloway. Dr. Leman, himself the baby of the family, agrees with this piece of youngest child syndrome: "Lastborns have an 'I'll show them' attitude." And if older siblings baby the baby, lastborns might be spoiled and crafty.

Tips for parenting your youngest child

Youngest child syndrome can show up in wild ways; one minute, your youngest is carefree and loveable, and then the next, they're rebelling in order to compete with their older siblings. Here are three key ways to help your youngest feel acknowledged, respected, and loved:

• Let them decide. Lastborns often feel they aren't taken seriously. So, periodically let them make some family decisions—like where to go out for dinner or which video to watch together.
• Acknowledge their "firsts." When they learn to tie their shoes or pee in the potty, call the relatives as you did with the firstborn. And be sure to make a big deal of their artistic accomplishments, displaying their drawings on the fridge, as you did for their older siblings.
• Give them some responsibilities. Lastborns can end up with few family duties because they've learned to duck out of work or other family members have dubbed them too "little" to be able to handle things, says Dr. Leman. But responsibilities help kids feel important, so offer them age-appropriate tasks so they can pitch in, too.

Only Child Characteristics

Because only children spend so much time alone, they're self-entertainers and often tend to be the most creative of all birth orders. In fact, Dr. Leman calls only children "Super Firstborns." Like oldest siblings, they are confident, well-spoken, pay enormous attention to detail, and tend to do well in school. Plus, spending so much time around grown-ups often makes onlies act like "little adults."

Only children have never have to compete for their parents' attention or share toys with siblings, so they risk developing a self-centered streak. Dr. Leman says they're also used to feeling important and may have a hard time when things don't go their way. Because their role models are competent adults, onlies are even more susceptible to perfectionism than firstborns.

Tips for parenting your only child

Since only children have the advantage of soaking up all of their parents' or caregivers' attention, it can be easy for them to become more like "little adults" and less like carefree kids. One helpful trick to parenting onlies is to resist the urge to sweat the small stuff. Here are three excellent ways to help add balance to your parenting style for your only child:

• Schedule play dates. Since they aren't used to sharing with other kids at home, only children can benefit from playgroups.
• Make mistakes no big deal. Many onlies lean toward perfectionism, so model acceptance of your own mistakes. Remind them that you couldn't cut out a perfect circle at their age, either.
• Let it slide. Don't seize every opportunity to teach them a better way to do something. For example, if they make the bed with a few wrinkles, don't remake it. You don't want to send the message that they are not measuring up.

What About Twins?

"Twins don't usually follow typical birth order roles," says Nancy Segal, PhD, twins expert and author of Indivisible by Two: Lives of Extraordinary Twins. "Most parents tend to be very fair and not emphasize order of birth, at least in Western nations," says Dr. Segal. However, when twins are born vaginally, the firstborn is usually bigger, and the secondborn has a greater risk for health problems. In these cases, parents may unconsciously treat the first twin more like a firstborn.

Factors That Affect Birth Order Personalities

"Many things contribute to human behavior," says Dr. Sulloway. "Birth order only explains a small chunk." Some other factors that alter traditional birth order roles include:

• Sex: Being born first doesn't necessarily guarantee "firstborn" status. For example, in some cultures, a boy may be treated like a firstborn even when he has four older sisters because he's the firstborn male.
• Age differences: Birth order effects are strongest when siblings are two to four years apart in age. With significant age gaps, siblings might act more like only children or firstborns. On the other hand, siblings separated by fewer than two years are almost like twins. "When sibs are close in age, there's a physical equality," says Dr. Sulloway. It's hard to grab that truck from your younger brother when he's not all that little.
• Siblings with disabilities: Younger siblings may take on the firstborn role when one of their siblings has a disability.