At least two weeks ago, a friend posted a very disturbing image online: a six pack of beer, each bottle emblazoned with the word PUMPKIN, orange font of course, above a buxom orange gourd.
This was barely the cusp of August—still prime time for beach-going, burger grilling, Hawaiian shirt wearing. I was sweating all the time. My air conditioner was going full blast and my apartment was still hovering at 80 degrees. The idea of consuming anything explicitly flavored to remind me of pies and sweaters felt, at the very least, quite rude. Imagine eating a pumpkin pie in July! Disgusting.
While it's often overly spiced and unpleasantly sweet, pumpkin beer is, in my opinion, value neutral. Sometimes it tastes quite pleasant, and seasonal beverages make us feel comfortable with—even excited about!—the passing of time. (After all, who can deny the pleasure of cracking open a cold one with the boys on a hot summer day?) But speeding time up by foisting a decidedly fall-appropriate beverage on us is one of the worst offenses that Big Beer can commit. (Aside from, you know, supporting Trump.)
Like Valentine's Day cards popping up mid-January, the encroachment of pumpkin spice into late summer is a very good reason to get mad. But unlike those early Valentine's Day cards, whose existence is annoying on a mostly emotional level, the appearance of cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg in July rips summer right from our frosty-beer-holding hands. Now is the time for frozen cocktails and barbecue; we have to make the most of all the hot weather things before they're gone. If I see a single pumpkin doughnut at Dunkin' before Memorial Day, I'm gonna freak.
I'm sure that precisely zero beer executives (what are they even called? Chief Brewski Officer?) are reading this, but if they are, I'd beg them to give us another month before the pumpkin onslaught begins. I'd say the same to all the pastry people, too, and the latte people, and even the people making memes about pumpkin spice lattes! Let us have our summer until it's gone. We'll eat your damn pumpkin when we're good and ready to bring back the David S. Pumpkins memes of yore.
