- “A shallow magnitude 4.7 earthquake was reported Monday morning five miles from Westwood, California, according to the U.S. Geological Survey. The tremblor occurred at 6:25 A.M. Pacific Time at a depth of 5.0 miles.”
This was written by the Quakebot computer algorithm for the Los Angeles Times_. Pretty good for a computer—maybe your journalism job isn’t as safe as you thought._
- “When are they going to give you a raise?”
This was written by your dad, who, as a suburban family doctor, never had a regular job with a company and doesn’t really understand how nobody is getting a raise this year.
- “When I in dreams behold thy fairest shade
Whose shade in dreams doth wake the sleeping morn
The daytime shadow of my love betray’d
Lends hideous night to dreaming’s faded form.”
This was written by a poetry app. Your dad let his literary dreams die in 1974, when he decided on medical school rather than pursuing a career in journalism. Have you thought about taking a post-bac course or two? Just to see if you like it?
- “Please call your grandmother more.”
This feels like it was written by a computer, because your dad texts it to you every day at five P.M.
- “How do I find what you wrote on the app? Can you e-mail it to me?”
This was written by your dad, who has a new iPhone and, regrettably, has discovered emojis, despite being only marginally in touch with his actual emotions.
- “Benner had a good game at the plate for the Hamilton A’s-Forcini. Benner went 2 for 3, drove in one, and scored one run. He singled in the third inning and doubled in the fifth inning.”
This was written by a computer algorithm from Narrative Science, a company your dad thinks you might want to work for, which is why he sends you every article about how innovative the A.I.-powered language-generation platform is, even though it is literally the opposite of what you do and against everything you believe.
- “When are they going to make you C.E.O.?”
Your dad doesn’t understand how your company—or maybe any company?—works.
- “Kitty couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. Her nerves were strained as two tight strings, and even the glass of hot wine that Vronsky made her drink did not help her. Lying in bed, she kept going over and over that monstrous scene at the meadow.”
This was written by a Russian-novel-writing algorithm, and if a computer can write a whole book in seventy-two hours, why can’t you?
- “When are they going to make you C.E.O.?”
Dad, you just asked me that question.
- “Tuesday was a great day for W. Roberts, as the junior pitcher threw a perfect game to carry Virginia to a 2-0 victory over George Washington, at Davenport Field.”
Another one from Narrative Science. Are they planning on leaving any jobs for actual, human writers? Maybe you should consider working there.
- "When are you coming to visit again?"
Dad, I’ve told you at least a hundred times, June 27th. And, no, I can’t just take the whole week off.
Result: Your dad is a computer. This may come as a shock, but, in time, you’ll see that it explains a lot.
