Preparing For Marriage? Remember These Four Things

If you're engaged and preparing for the day you get married, no doubt you are receiving advice from many different people; parents, soon-to-be-in-laws, friends and co-workers. I, too, would like to offer you some advice, but not mine, directly. I would like to share some advice with you from a notable canon lawyer, Jacqueline Rapp, who is also involved with her husband in mentoring couples preparing for marriage. Since Jacqueline also reviews divorce cases as a canon lawyer, her perspective is unique because she sees it from both sides of the spectrum. She sees what helps marriages work and what doesn't.

I recently asked Jacqui, in light of her experience, what were some of the most important things to remember when preparing for marriage. Here are her answers:

What are the most important things an engaged couple should focus on as they prepare to get married?

I think it’s most important to focus on what marriage will be and the communication you will have as a married couple. Being able to learn how to talk and listen from the heart is of the greatest importance. If it’s all about one person talking and no one listening, then you get nowhere. You absolutely have to share deeply and know what the other person is thinking and feeling. You really have to share what your views of marriage are. You have to discuss permanence, fidelity, openness to children, and how your marriage will build each of you up. You need to focus on the fact that this is how you each will grow in holiness – how you are called to be Christ to each other in this relationship.

How can the bride and groom-to-be support each other in their preparation for married life?

I think they can support each other, first and foremost, by praying for each other. It sounds corny, but it’s true. You really want to know that God is directing each of you towards this ultimate goal of supporting each other and being that gift that helps the other person get to heaven. Another way to support each other is, once again, to really listen. Sometimes the wedding planning can get overwhelming. It’s important to share that stress and be there for each other as the day approaches when you will start your married life together. Also, get around other couples whose marriage you respect. Talk to them. Find out what makes their relationship work. Support each other by getting the support of loving couples.

What advice would you give to an engaged couple ?

Remember these four things:

1. Deal with the issues you have before you get married. If you are a mixed faith couple, deal with how you are going to raise children BEFORE you get married. Have a plan. If one of you comes from a financially irresponsible family, deal with those issues BEFORE you get married and have a plan on how you will deal with money. If one of you, or both of you, come from a dysfunctional family of origin, get therapy, alone and together, with a marriage and family therapist BEFORE you get married. Give yourself the gift of addressing all of your potential issues before you get married. Face them head on before you jump into a lifetime commitment. If you know what you are facing, even the difficulties, then you will be able to honestly deal with them when they come up in your married life.

2. Remember that you marry the family of your intended and not just your intended. Our marriage and family counselor told us, before we got married, that it’s best that her family deals with issues with her family, and his family deals with issues with his family. Her family will always love and forgive her, but they could hold a grudge against him forever, and vice versa. This is good to start during the wedding planning which can get heated sometimes. Let her deal with issues with her family and let him deal with issues from his family. It’s served us well over the 15 years we’ve been married.

3. Remember that you are a united front. Whether it’s with families, friends or children that come into your marriage. You two need to be on the same page and presenting one united relationship. It’s not easy, and sometimes it takes compromise, but try to be one unified couple.

4. Remember that you are a visible sign of God’s love in the world. It is through your marriage that people will see what God’s love is in the world. When they see your marriage, do they see Christ in you? Marriage is a partnership of life and love and that partnership is a visible sign of God’s love in the world. This is how I describe marriage as a sacrament. Let your marriage be that one that everyone desires. Let God use you as individuals and as a couple. Let God’s love shine through you.

You can find out more about Jacqui and her work at kycanonist.com. Have a specific question? Send me an email at [email protected].