The Struggle of Making the Journey Alone After a Divorce

Pope Francis recently announced a jubilee Year of Mercy. This Holy Year will begin on December 8, 2015 on the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception and will end on November 20, 2016, the feast of Jesus Christ, King of the Universe.

As we prepare for this upcoming year of mercy, I reflect on what Divine Mercy really is.

I have been challenged by a major life event to put more trust in the Lord and to believe that he does in fact know what is best for my family.

As a single mother, I have struggled long and hard to keep my family as close to debt free as possible. Now that we are looking at college prospects, I am having an allergic reaction to the idea of student loans!

I know full well that my youngest daughter needs to get her college education and I know equally well that I cannot fully finance that endeavor on my own. I am humbled by the thought that she has done her research well enough to know what is a reasonable cost of attendance at a private and/or Catholic institution and has narrowed her choices to three which were all about the same amount.

The reality of shouldering the responsibility for this decision has been reflected in an increase of anxiety and a few sleepless nights for the both of us. In addition, the whole process has really brought along a number of emotions about the divorce that I thought I had long ago worked through and I am struggling with my feelings in that regard.

Mostly, I am just angry. I am angry that I have to travel this journey alone, not having the companionship of a loving spouse with whom to discuss these difficult decisions. I am angry that my daughter has to take on much of this stress because she is as concerned about me as I am about her.

As I am writing this post, I also have to admit to grieving the loss of security at the feeling that I have a spouse as invested in the well-being of the family as I am. It’s hard to go it alone.

I am angry too that this financial responsibility rests only at our feet. A number of well-meaning individuals have suggested that I try to fight for some additional support from my former spouse and while that is good practical advice, the reality is that any money my daughter may get would just be siphoned away in lawyer fees. And the idea of returning to court puts a hollow feeling in my being that reminds me of the insanity of my first visit there—a reality I would never wish to repeat for all the money in the world.

I am sad because the voice inside my head won’t stop scolding me for spending money on a pilgrimage to Poland when I could have used it to pay the college bill instead. This pilgrimage is a family celebration for our two graduations this spring and I worked long and hard to make it happen. I am tired of feeling badly for trying so hard to do something wonderful and spiritual for my daughters which I believe will bring us closer as a family before another really big transition.

And I guess I am also sad because I am just lacking in the real trust that Jesus encourages us to in his Divine Mercy message. I feel that must be a negative reflection on my spiritual life—if only I prayed more or better I would somehow be at peace and able to trust much easier that God will work out these major life decisions like he always does.

It’s difficult to be reminded of all of those feelings that I worked so hard to overcome and thought were long behind me. When I told my oldest daughter how I was praying so desperately that Jesus would come to me, she just smiled and said: “Perhaps you should go and spend some time in Adoration instead?”

All the money in the world can’t replace that kind of wisdom.  So if you are facing similar decisions like I am, I would encourage you, as my daughter is reminding me, to go spend some time with Jesus. He knows what we need to provide for our families and if we are honest and hardworking, I am sure he will help us to provide it.

Jesus, I trust in You!